LATEST STORIES FROM INTRODUCING LISTON
This Is A Really Shitty Template. Why Would Anyone Use It?
March 17, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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This is a really shitty template. Why would anyone use it?Here's a picture of a Puerto Rican man doing something: Goodbye. Subscribe in a reader
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
March 09, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'...
Ugh.
March 07, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Quotation marks are the most powerful of all the punctuation marks. Look:Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?Me: Just sit around and relax.Not me: Cool.vs.Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?Me: Just sit around and "relax".Not me: GrossIt...
Hungry Eyes
March 07, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Upon her return from the neighborhood grocery store, Mrs. Von Culbertson drops this doozy as she walked through the door:"Why do Mexicans always look like they're gonna rape you? They got hungry eyes."Turns out, she's right. Mexican's do have very rape-foreshadowing...
An airtight case FOR Michael Vick
February 03, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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The way that Michael Vick is getting killed in the media you might have thought he had some crazy track record of doing terrible things. I mean, it's not like he knowingly gave a woman an std or skipped out of an appearance to help raise money for after school programs or even...
Basura
February 01, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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The trash. (Basura for my Mexican readers) Subscribe in a reader
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
February 01, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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And your score is is... a Dag.In case you couldn't figure it out, and judging by your score, you can't, a Dag is like a super hybrid of a douche and a fag. So you've got that going for you. Kudos, sir. Subscribe in a reader
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
January 29, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'...
Douchemaster 2000: The Tally
January 27, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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And your score is ... Total homo.Are you really that surprised? Really? Were you even paying attention to your answers? You're pretty much like, a walking stereotype of a gay man. This might explain your love of the play Guys and Dolls and your love of the porno Guys and more Guys...
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
January 27, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
| Comments
You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'...
Douchemaster 2000 Question #8
January 27, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Come on, man. What is this, 1999? Ninjas and pirates and shit are no longer funny nor clever. Do me a favor: go to google, search for "ninjas and pirates" in the images section, then punch yourself in the nose. Stop letting people pressure you into thinking something is cool...
Douchemaster 2000 #9
January 26, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Frappucino? More like, faggucino. You've experienced a rise in your level of douche for ordering such a homo drink. If you want to be a real bad ass then walk into Starbucks and, when they ask you what you'd like to order, say, "I'd like to order a nice..." and...
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
January 26, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Yeah right, fag. It took you three months before you worked up the nerve to anonymously email the hot chick in your office. If this really happens you'd probably blush real bad and then accidentally fart. You lied so your douche level rises yet again.10. The special-ed kid in your...
Douchemaster 2000 Question #9
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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What a homo. The only thing you need to go "easy on" is being such a queer. Only selfish sissy-pricks use the phrase "Easy on...". Your douche level rises again. Next question:9. You're at the mall and your girlfriend's hotter, younger, more fellatious sister...
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Yep, that's about right. Your douche level lowers on account of you telling the truth, but it simultaneously rises on account of how lame you are. Such is life. Next question:10. The special-ed kid in your gym class just started running around all bat-shit crazy and is trying to...
Douchemaster 2000: The Tally
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Hardcore douche.Yep, you're that guy. You're probably sitting there taking this measurement on a Mac while drinking a non-foam latte, making some repurposed cracks about how bad ass Chuck Norris is, and touching up your faux-hawk. Thanks for participating, Douchey McDoucherson...
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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So gay. This is why nobody calls you on Friday night to hang out- cause you're a toad. You've probably never even stolen office supplies or gotten herpes from a stripper. You gotta grab life by the horns and live. And in the case, life is an immature co-ed who is about to make...
Douchemaster 2000: The Measurement Scale
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Welcome to the Douchemaster 2000, a revolutionary computer system that calculates the level of douche-osity you exhibit. It's simple, click your honest answer to each question and, depending on your response, you will be given a score and taken to the next appropriate question...
Douchemaster 2000 Question#8
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Seriously? Like, seriously? I don't even... I just... wow. You are perilously close to getting booted out of here on account your massive doucheness. Think about how fast light travels. That's the speed equivalent to how gay that last answer was.8. At Starbucks I order:a soy...
Douchemaster 2000 #9
January 16, 2008 by
Introducing Liston
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Don't front, you know Starbucks is delicious. Your douche levels rise because you tried to be all cutesy and clever and whatnot. Do not lie, the Douchemaster 2000 is smarter than you. Moving on:9. You're at the mall and your girlfriend's hotter, younger, sister makes a...
The Seeds Of Manliness
December 16, 2007 by
Introducing Liston
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I went to the urologist last week ( note** it was a hot female urologist. If you're dumb, and based on the emails I've received you probably are, a urologist is basically a balls and cock doctor. I call her the "cock-tor" for short.). I went partly because I was due...
Submitted Applications
December 14, 2007 by
Introducing Liston
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The applications have been pouring in. I'll post the best ones here. Check out these dudes who are so gangster:This one comes from Bagoda:I like your style, B Money.This one came from the always classy BasketbawfulI'm really looking forward to some gang macaroni and cheese...
Be Cool And Judge Things Prematurely
December 14, 2007 by
Introducing Liston
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You know how they say you never judge a book by it's cover? That's lame. I can judge the shit out of something. I judge stuff all day long and I'm only wrong, maybe 58% of the time. Probably less than that, I'm not 100% sure because I judged that calculators are shitty...
Cobra-Gators, Ice Skating, Kids Ballet, and Color Guard
December 08, 2007 by
Introducing Liston
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I've been away for awhile. I was wrestling deadly cobra-gators in the Everglades or whatever and sleeping with some hot models in a kick ass dungeon. Here's an actual picture as proof:See, it's true. That's me fighting a cobra-gator. That sorry ass cobra-gator never...
Alcoholism Is A Disease. Except It's Not.
December 08, 2007 by
Introducing Liston
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Here's what happened. In my fame-whore attempt to become an internet superstar I somehow found myself subscribed to an email list for Alcoholics Anonymous. In the last couple of weeks I have learned several things about alcoholics: Drunks love the internet. They send about 60-70...
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