LATEST STORIES FROM INTRODUCING LISTON
This Is A Really Shitty Template. Why Would Anyone Use It?
This is a really shitty template. Why would anyone use it?Here's a picture of a Puerto Rican man doing something: Goodbye. Subscribe in a reader
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March 17, 2008
Discuss
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'm not waiting 30 seconds. I w...
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March 09, 2008
Ugh.
Quotation marks are the most powerful of all the punctuation marks. Look:Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?Me: Just sit around and relax.Not me: Cool.vs.Not me: What do you like to do when you're alone?Me: Just sit around and "relax".Not me: GrossIt works the same in real-world applica...
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March 07, 2008
Hungry Eyes
Upon her return from the neighborhood grocery store, Mrs. Von Culbertson drops this doozy as she walked through the door:"Why do Mexicans always look like they're gonna rape you? They got hungry eyes."Turns out, she's right. Mexican's do have very rape-foreshadowing eyes. Here's a picture from a scie...
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March 07, 2008
An airtight case FOR Michael Vick
The way that Michael Vick is getting killed in the media you might have thought he had some crazy track record of doing terrible things. I mean, it's not like he knowingly gave a woman an std or skipped out of an appearance to help raise money for after school programs or even gave some fans the doub...
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February 03, 2008
Basura
The trash. (Basura for my Mexican readers) Subscribe in a reader
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February 01, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
And your score is is... a Dag.In case you couldn't figure it out, and judging by your score, you can't, a Dag is like a super hybrid of a douche and a fag. So you've got that going for you. Kudos, sir. Subscribe in a reader
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February 01, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'm not waiting 30 seconds. I w...
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January 29, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Tally
And your score is ... Total homo.Are you really that surprised? Really? Were you even paying attention to your answers? You're pretty much like, a walking stereotype of a gay man. This might explain your love of the play Guys and Dolls and your love of the porno Guys and more Guys. Just a thought. T...
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January 27, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Calculation
You have completed the Douchemaster 2000 measurement scale. Your score is currently being calculated. Please wait 30 seconds. Thank you.I've waited 30 seconds and would like to receive my score.Ironically, I'm as impatient as the children I yell at for being impatient. I'm not waiting 30 seconds. I w...
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January 27, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question #8
Come on, man. What is this, 1999? Ninjas and pirates and shit are no longer funny nor clever. Do me a favor: go to google, search for "ninjas and pirates" in the images section, then punch yourself in the nose. Stop letting people pressure you into thinking something is cool, toadstool.8. At Starbuck...
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January 27, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 #9
Frappucino? More like, faggucino. You've experienced a rise in your level of douche for ordering such a homo drink. If you want to be a real bad ass then walk into Starbucks and, when they ask you what you'd like to order, say, "I'd like to order a nice..." and then punch the shit out of the barista....
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January 26, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
Yeah right, fag. It took you three months before you worked up the nerve to anonymously email the hot chick in your office. If this really happens you'd probably blush real bad and then accidentally fart. You lied so your douche level rises yet again.10. The special-ed kid in your gym class just star...
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January 26, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question #9
What a homo. The only thing you need to go "easy on" is being such a queer. Only selfish sissy-pricks use the phrase "Easy on...". Your douche level rises again. Next question:9. You're at the mall and your girlfriend's hotter, younger, more fellatious sister makes a move on you. You:Awkwardly stumbl...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
Yep, that's about right. Your douche level lowers on account of you telling the truth, but it simultaneously rises on account of how lame you are. Such is life. Next question:10. The special-ed kid in your gym class just started running around all bat-shit crazy and is trying to touch everone's cock ...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Tally
Hardcore douche.Yep, you're that guy. You're probably sitting there taking this measurement on a Mac while drinking a non-foam latte, making some repurposed cracks about how bad ass Chuck Norris is, and touching up your faux-hawk. Thanks for participating, Douchey McDoucherson. Subscribe in a r...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question #10
So gay. This is why nobody calls you on Friday night to hang out- cause you're a toad. You've probably never even stolen office supplies or gotten herpes from a stripper. You gotta grab life by the horns and live. And in the case, life is an immature co-ed who is about to make a terrible decision and...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000: The Measurement Scale
Welcome to the Douchemaster 2000, a revolutionary computer system that calculates the level of douche-osity you exhibit. It's simple, click your honest answer to each question and, depending on your response, you will be given a score and taken to the next appropriate question . After the last questi...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 Question#8
Seriously? Like, seriously? I don't even... I just... wow. You are perilously close to getting booted out of here on account your massive doucheness. Think about how fast light travels. That's the speed equivalent to how gay that last answer was.8. At Starbucks I order:a soy latte, easy on the foaman...
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January 16, 2008
Douchemaster 2000 #9
Don't front, you know Starbucks is delicious. Your douche levels rise because you tried to be all cutesy and clever and whatnot. Do not lie, the Douchemaster 2000 is smarter than you. Moving on:9. You're at the mall and your girlfriend's hotter, younger, sister makes a move on you. You:Tell her you a...
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January 16, 2008
The Seeds Of Manliness
I went to the urologist last week ( note** it was a hot female urologist. If you're dumb, and based on the emails I've received you probably are, a urologist is basically a balls and cock doctor. I call her the "cock-tor" for short.). I went partly because I was due for a check up but mostly because ...
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December 16, 2007
Submitted Applications
The applications have been pouring in. I'll post the best ones here. Check out these dudes who are so gangster:This one comes from Bagoda:I like your style, B Money.This one came from the always classy BasketbawfulI'm really looking forward to some gang macaroni and cheese.This one comes from Jon:Wel...
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December 14, 2007
Be Cool And Judge Things Prematurely
You know how they say you never judge a book by it's cover? That's lame. I can judge the shit out of something. I judge stuff all day long and I'm only wrong, maybe 58% of the time. Probably less than that, I'm not 100% sure because I judged that calculators are shitty and so is calculating percentag...
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December 14, 2007
Cobra-Gators, Ice Skating, Kids Ballet, and Color Guard
I've been away for awhile. I was wrestling deadly cobra-gators in the Everglades or whatever and sleeping with some hot models in a kick ass dungeon. Here's an actual picture as proof:See, it's true. That's me fighting a cobra-gator. That sorry ass cobra-gator never stood a chance.I did get your emai
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December 08, 2007
Alcoholism Is A Disease. Except It's Not.
Here's what happened. In my fame-whore attempt to become an internet superstar I somehow found myself subscribed to an email list for Alcoholics Anonymous. In the last couple of weeks I have learned several things about alcoholics: Drunks love the internet. They send about 60-70 emails a day to "chec
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December 08, 2007
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