LATEST STORIES FROM KISSING SUZY KOLBER
Your Jonny Gruden Drinking Game For This Evening
October 05, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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I was supposed to go to the game tonight in Minneapolis. I was going to eat. I was going to drink. I was to going to masturbate with barbecue sauce. It was going to be glorious. Alas, itineraries were confused and now here I am, stuck where I always am. [...]
Peter King Likes It Good, And He Likes It Deep
October 05, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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With Drew having left for the airport to see his Vikings play the Packers (and then subsequently realizing that his flight was booked EIGHT DAYS LATER), the weekly ritual of mocking the NFL’s noted sports and travel writer falls on someone else’s shoulders this week. Hopefully...
Untitled
October 05, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Good job men, you fought hard today. What do you say we call it a tie and go for ice cream? Facing a fourth down at the Cleveland’s 41 with just over a minute remaining in overtime Bengals coach Marvin Lewis “was content to play for the tie.” Before he could punt...
Today… A Drunkard Will Rise! (But Groggily… And Sometime in the Afternoon)
October 05, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Fine, fine. We’ve had a enjoyable few months using Josh McDaniels as a comedic punching bag around these parts. But the smug little bastard might actually have the slightest (ever-so-tenuous) grasp on what he’s doing. BUT I STILL WANT TO SMACK THE SMUG OFF HIS FACE AND...
Comebacks Are Betta When You Ask Somebodddddaaaayyy About It
October 04, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “...
Even Worse Than Seahawks Fans
October 04, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Ravens fans, do kindly enjoy a frosty mug of Shut the Fu*k Up on me. Do we have to go through this every single time your team loses? I’m pretty sure the Patriots got flagged once for hitting Joe Flacco in the head too. Perhaps you should be training most of your blame on stone [...]
Rex Ryan tells Jets there’s even more pink outside the Superdome.
October 04, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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“Geezus hell, son. What is the name of f-ckall is that thing your face?
You didn’t let my boy Sanchez take you down Tiajuanee way didja?”
A clash of undefeateds headline an otherwise ho-hum slate of late afternoon games. There is a glorious silver lining, but I&...
Were You Aware? Breast Cancer is a Disease the NFL Exploits for Cheap Positive PR
October 04, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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The Ratbirds and the Greatriots mark the lone interesting match-up of the early slate on this, the pinko Sunday. The Ravens lead the AFC in scoring (playing Kansas City and Cleveland at home in two of your games with help with that) yet have scored a total of six points in their two...
The Friday Five, Starring Drew Magary and Gangsta Cat
October 02, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Gross! Drew’s kissing a cat!
Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginitively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend. Today’s sponsor is the recently discovered Gangsta Cat, aka Sebastian...
Always Be Covering: Unless You Love Cancer And Hate Breasts
October 02, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and once again the NFL is working alongside the American Cancer Society to raise awareness about the disease. That means over the course of the next month you’re going to get an eyeful of more pink than Matt Leinart on spring...
The Rape-Off: Crazy Cowboy Lady vs. Frenzied Sex Gnomette. WHO YA GOT?
October 02, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole &...
Well, at Least You’re Less Perverted than Roman Polanski: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag
October 01, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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(image via FilmDrunk)
For those of you who may be wondering, we didn’t request your sex/fantasy football questions yesterday because we now get enough emails to power the mailbag without having to remind anyone. Oh my God! The mailbag — it’s self-sustaining!
Before...
Billboard For FOX NFL Sunday Promotes Game That Doesn’t Air On Fox Or On Sunday
October 01, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the unusually large amounts of Favre. Passersby were amazed at the...
Your KSK Meast and Least of the Week – Week 3
October 01, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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This weekend, the Patriots are playing the only team in the NFL that could possibly make me root for them, the Purplish Carrion Crows of Deepest Rottencrotch (Officially: Lord Baltimore’s seaside queef depot).
P-Drizzle, so jovial
So it would be the ideal time for me to admit...
Andy Rooney Reviews Week 3 Of The NFL Season
October 01, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick…
There’s been a lot of grumbling over the years for a national amendment to the Constitution to legalize gay marriage. There are a lot of rights that married couples have that the pillow-biters don’t have. But what about...
The Difference Between Jay Cutler and Tom Brady? One Sulks, the Other is a Budding Fashion Icon
September 30, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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In what may be the most hilarious serious question of the young season, a headline in today’s Chicago Tribune asked, Is Jay Cutler the second coming of Tom Brady? Please enjoy:
The surprising thing has been Cutler’s ability to make the delicate pass. No one told us a cannon...
This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls
September 30, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls.
You may have heard by now that ESPN intends to set a “world record” for the most mentions of Brett Favre’s name during a televisions program. This is the worst idea...
Coach Haley Is Not Pleased With Your Execution
September 30, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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(Chiefs practice bubble)
Matt Cassel: Oh man oh man. 0-3. Oof. I never thought we’d go 0-3.
Larry Johnson: No kidding. This isn’t gonna be a fun week, man.
(takes two steps, falls down)
Matt Cassel: Time for me to step up and lead this team, LJ. A lot of people thought the Pats [...]
AW GAWD, STONE BEN! STONE BEN! STONE BEN!
September 29, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE
PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE
SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH
Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben
Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN...
Back By Popular Demand…
September 29, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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As Otto Man noted in the comments earlier, Julius Peppers’s freakishly huge grin is reminiscent of Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun” video. Oh ho ho, but there’s something creepier than the “Black Hole Sun” video…
That’s right,...
Only Delhomme Lived Up to His End of the Turnover Bargain
September 28, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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And that’s too bad, because it would have been tremendous to watch Jerry see the first two games in his Colossatorium blow up in his leathery face. Not that Romo didn’t give the Panthers a host of chances at interceptions with a raft of ill-advised throws. So we were limited...
First Quarterback to Three Pick-Sixes Gets to Die With Their Coach
September 28, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Pickerceptionkkake
Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but...
Mitch Albom and the Lubricated Fists
September 28, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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Last night, for reasons I can’t quite explain, I felt compelled to visit the Detroit Free Press online to see what the local reaction was to the Lions first victory since 2007. As you might expect, it was mostly effusive stuff. Bundled with the reaction to that joyous moment...
Peter King Drinks Heineken Light, Mashes Keyboard
September 28, 2009 by
Kissing Suzy Kolber
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When we last left North American Man-Boy-Coffee Lover Peter King, he was putting chips (mmmm… kettle chips) on people’s shoulders, praising the clutch harpiness of Kathy Holmgren, and marveling at all the young people who play professional football.
What’s in store for us this...
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