LATEST STORIES FROM KISSING SUZY KOLBER
Welcome Back, Doomsayers
stink sink gators, my Arizona players
When the Gay Mafia embarked on its vacation from nothing 10 days ago, a CBA settlement that would allow for a full NFL season was presumed by most to be, if not entirely a done deal, at least safely in the offing. Turns out, one comprehensive Mike Silver report later and we’re back to cutting our wrists in stitch lines. Remember, laces...
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July 05, 2011
Discuss
Site News: We’re Going on Vacation. SEXY Vacation.
Longtime readers of the site likely recall that we take one week of vacation every summer. That week is next week. No Peter King, no mailbag, no podcast, no anything. Which of course should assure that the lockout will end, Ben Roethlisberger will rape someone on his motorcycle, and Roger Goodell will be mauled to death a gang of chimpanzees. Fingers crossed!
Now, I already know...
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June 24, 2011
Everything’s Bigger In Texas
We have a little bit of football on this football podcast today.
Brad Jackson from the free-market podcast “Coffee & Markets” drops in; the UT alum gives his takes on Vince Young and Colt “45″ McCoy. Brad became a Titans fan when Vince Young was drafted by Tennessee, which sounds a little crazy to me but what do I know; I root (read:loathe) the Bengals...
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June 24, 2011
Commenter Draft: Animal DNA to Combine with the Human Genome
Today’s draft supposes this: scientists have selected YOU to be the subject of their horrific, God-angering plan to combine animal DNA with the human genome. You will gain the awesome traits of one animal, but not in a sexy way like Spider-Man, who gets to crawl on walls and have super-strength while still looking human.
No, you will be rendered a horrific hybrid freak. Children...
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June 24, 2011
Tony Dungy Picture Demands Captions
HATED IT!
Flubby: “It’s a smedium, *******.”
Punte: “I call it the Tampa 2, as in Two Snaps Up!”
Your turn, commenters. Make them count, because a picture this fabulous doesn’t come around very often.
Image via Shutdown Corner, h/t to reader Shane.
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June 23, 2011
FREE WHITEY!
I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect...
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June 23, 2011
Tim Tebow For Tim Tebow Statues
When you think of me, Tim Tebow, I want you to think of one thing: hustle and determination. I want you to think of my love for the game of football and my prediliction for Filipino foreskin. I want you to think of leadership. And now, all of those qualities and more can be delivered right to your door with the new Tim Tebow statue, featuring me. Tim Tebow.
That’s me with...
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June 22, 2011
This Week In F-ck I Love You: Dairy Queen
We’re now in the dreaded post-draft stretch of the NFL offseason. There’s no football on, and there still won’t be for months, if not longer. You’re hurt oddly serene. You’re angry somewhat optimistic a new labor deal will be done on time, resulting in an incredibly unpredictable free agency period and full season. You’re hateful full of hugs! We understand. At...
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June 22, 2011
A Letter To Roger Goodell From Timmy, Age 9
Dear Mr. Goodell,
My name is Timmy and I want to help you fix the NLF lockout. It is not good when peeple disagree on things and money and I want to help.
I think you should yell at the owners and the players. Yelling is not nice but like my daddy says sometimes peeple have **** in their eers and need a little pepp in their steps. When my brother Joey doesn’t clean his room...
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June 21, 2011
Dastardly hackers perfect their Kenny Britt impression. The Titans receiver stopped driving like a dickhead long enough to post a retirement message on his Facebook account. Shortly thereafter Britt returned to Facebook to announce a “change of heart,” before declaring that he “will accept any penalty like a man.” He then issued a third post blaming the first...
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June 21, 2011
Emo Tiki Speaks Out
Hey, guys. Tiki here. I know you’ve all been wondering what I’m up to these days. Well, I’m getting ready for this lockout to end so I can get my career back on track. For real. I’m coming back! Everybody is excited, which is pretty cool. In the meantime I’ve been chatting with the guys at HBO, and trying to get in touch with my personal brand.
I’...
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June 20, 2011
Peter King Is Really Looking Forward To His Vacation
When we last left Roger Goodell’s personal arm beaver Peter King, he was at Yankee Stadium enjoying braised cauliflower and monster carrots, the ziti and salmon in a light lemon cream sauce, two California rolls and four raviolis with the short-rib filling. With a glass of Argentinian Malbec. SUMPTUOUS. You, dear reader, simply must try the spread sometime. Oh, do you not have...
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June 20, 2011
KSK Kommenter Draft: Eliminating One Menu Item From Existence
You’ve brought down the overall deliciousness of your last tray of food, you crinkle cut bastards.
I love food. It’s a simple fact that a quick search through the mock draft and kommenter draft archives will confirm. I love to cook, smell, eat, look at, and read about all sorts of different foods. But even somebody like me has a few foodstuffs they wish had never been...
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June 17, 2011
A Father’s Day Fit For A F–king Badass
I wrote a Father’s Day post at my old blog FKS that I enjoy reposting every Father’s Day as an annual tradition. So here it is. Enjoy.
Guess what day Sunday is? You see that calendar? You see what it says? That’s right, sluts. ************* Father’s Day. This day used to be for all the other douchebags that had kids. Well, now it’s my turn. And I’m not settling...
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June 17, 2011
You Decide: Is This the Most Infuriating Person in KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag History?
A strange thing happened this week: one of the people who wrote in to the mailbag and rescinded their question out of deference to friendships and feelings and blah blah blah. So, it is on a completely unrelated note that I recommend AGAINST falling in love with a married woman, particularly if her husband is a soldier in Afghanistan. As if adultery wasn’t already a terrible...
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June 16, 2011
THE CURSE IS OVAH!!!!
FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those ****** fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT MY CAWK!
(dips)
Oh, how we’ve suffahed through the year-ahs waiting fahhh this title! THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HAWKEY TOWN! Except when the B’s ahhh losing, then...
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June 16, 2011
SHHHH! You’ll Jinx It!
Superstitions are powerful. There’s an apocryphal story about a tank company in World War II that set up camp in an apricot orchard and was obliterated by an attack the next morning. I’ve never seen any proof of the story, but Marine tankers nonetheless refuse to eat apricots or allow the fruit on their tanks. The ban even extends to Hawaiian Punch, which has traces of...
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June 15, 2011
Remind Me To Go To More Weddings In Texas
That’s a photo from Tony Romo’s wedding, and his bride had 15 bridesmaids, all of whom will be accepting your money at PT’s Men’s Club later on this evening. As Maj noted, Dez Bryant ain’t holding your bouquet for you, ladies.
[HT: NBC]
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June 15, 2011
Meanwhile, In Washington (Part II)
Have we learned nothing from Notre Dame?
The Redskins are holding another round of player-only minicamps, and now MacGruber John Beck is taking things really seriously. As you can see above (courtesy of @Rich_Campbell), Beck has taken things a step further. The man who is certain to take over as the team’s starting quarterback by sheer force of positive will has enlisted the...
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June 15, 2011
This Week In F—k You: Footnotes
3. Screw you.
We’re now in the dreaded post-draft stretch of the NFL offseason. There’s no football on, and there still won’t be for months, if not longer. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the offseason series, This Week In F–k You. This week: Footnotes.
Billy from Greenwich...
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June 14, 2011
Spotted: The NFL’s Hottest New Couple
Five days after their much discussed dinner meeting, NFL commish Roger Goodell and Player’s Union head honcho DeMaurice Smith were spotted dining out on the town. If last week’s rendezvous was all-business, last night’s get-together was a far more intimate affair. Our spies report that the two were canoodling over plates of crispy rice with spicy tuna and enough...
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June 14, 2011
I Am Vonald Tour
Hey, bros.
Anyone out there stumbled on a good strong-side linebacker app for Android? I tried the free one. It kinda sucks. Damn. All right. I’ll ask around.
Yeah, I’m Von. No, no, just Von is fine. Yeahh, I do that linebacking thing for the Denver Broncos. Or I would be. They have this lockout thing going on. Have you heard about it? Oh yeah? Cool, cool. I try not to...
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June 13, 2011
Peter King Gave A Grad Speech Full Of Tasty Nuggets
When we last left Stieg Larsson fanboy Peter King, he was professing to know nothing about the sex slave business (it’s all pleasure to him), enjoying the incredibly rare drink known as Pyramid Hefeweizen, and lamenting that America doesn’t read anymore because HE doesn’t read anymore. Shame on you, Americans who are all presumably just like Peter King. What does it say to...
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June 13, 2011
KSK Kommenter Draft: Picking a Portratist
Jared Fogle’s Ndamukong Suh, 2010 mixed meatia sculpture.
I have returned from vacation ripe with inspiration. After spending countless hours strolling through museums I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to commission a portrait of myself. Back in the Renaissance everyone had them. Well, everyone who was a Medici, at least. And those guys were probably assholes. Surely...
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June 10, 2011
‘Pirates’ Was a Porn Movie. I Did Not Know That. (The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag)
Roads may be slippery
Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. If this one feels a little bit longer than usual, that’s because it is. I hope the extra emails were worth the wait. Some of the topics you’ll find below: drafting players you hate, clingy girlfriends, erectile dysfunction, inexperienced 32-year-old women, Calvin Johnson, friends with benefits, pirates...
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June 09, 2011
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