LATEST STORIES FROM SERIOUS SPORTS NEWS NETWORK
Crowd wondering who that white dude next to Michael Jordan is
September 11, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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SPRINGFIELD, MA—Attendees at the 2009 Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony on Friday, to a person, had no idea who the white guy holding up a jersey with the name “Stockton” is. Further confusion was summarily generated by the fact that none of the Hall’s...
“Experts” unable to clarify exactly what Vick would do with Pats
August 09, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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FOXBORO, MA—As questions swirl about the future of disgraced quarterback Mike Vick, numerous so-called experts and analysts have speculated that Vick will sign with the Patriots, despite the team having an offense that relies heavily on its passing game and already having all-pro...
Ozzie Guillen throws perfect temper tantrum
July 23, 2009 by
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CHICAGO, IL—Players and clubhouse reporters could hardly have known Thursday afternoon when they filed into the White Sox locker room that they were about to witness baseball history. When asked by a reporter his opinion about division rival Minnesota Twins, White Sox manager Ozzie...
Kobe Bryant using ‘Send this story to a friend’ feature to inform Shaq of Lakers off-season moves
July 21, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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LOS ANGELES, CA—It wasn’t so long ago that saying good-bye to a friend moving to the other side of the country meant saying good-bye forever. Thanks to the internet, however, keeping in touch couldn’t be easier—and one L.A. Laker in particular is reaping its benefits.
“...
Tim Lincecum skips post-game interviews to see “Harry Potter”
July 14, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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ST. LOUIS, MO—Immediately following his removal after the 2nd inning during a rather disappointing performance in last night’s All-Star Game, Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum prematurely left Busch Stadium to watch a midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
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Sosa: “See, that corked bat thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”
June 17, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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CHICAGO, IL—Amid revelations that he tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, Sammy Sosa took the opportunity yesterday to address different allegations, specifically those that arose after he was discovered using a corked bat during a game in 2003.
“My reputation...
Crosby complains that Stanley Cup is too heavy
June 16, 2009 by
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PITTSBURGH, PA — Given that his Pittsburgh Penguins have won the NHL championship and reclaimed the Stanley Cup, one would think that Sidney Crosby would be pretty happy these days. One would be wrong.
“I feel pretty good about winning the Stanley Cup,” Crosby said...
Sidney Crosby removes wax beard
June 16, 2009 by
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DETROIT, MI—Flushed with excitement after his team’s 2-1 victory over the Red Wings Friday night, Sidney Crosby joyously removed the small wax beard and mustache that he had been wearing for the past two months. Speaking to reporters in the Penguins’ locker room, Crosby expressed...
Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup
June 12, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed that the city of Detroit would finally have something to cheer about when the Red Wings took a 2-0 over...
Local 12-year-olds disappointed by lack of Kobe-LeBron Final
June 03, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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KINGSBURY, NY—Local 12-year-olds Howard Harrison and Damien Shingwel announced today their disappointment that this year’s much-anticipated, much-hyped potential NBA Finals matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers would not...
Favre: no plans to retire from being mental pain in the ass every spring
May 08, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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HATTIESBURG, MS — After a disappointing run with the New York Jets in 2008, retired quarterback Brett Favre is flirting with the Minnesota Vikings in an attempt to resurrect his once great career of screwing around with the minds of NFL fans.
In an exclusive off-camera interview...
Manny Ramirez busted for juicing
May 07, 2009 by
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LOS ANGELES — Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league’s substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he’s been injecting himself with various fruit juices over the last several months.
According to reports, Ramirez heard about the...
Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina
May 05, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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WASHINGTON, DC — Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, and all of a sudden, Sidney Crosby’s vagina started to hurt so bad.
“All of a sudden,...
Matthew Stafford flees to Canada to avoid playing for Detroit Lions
May 01, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, where he plans to join up with a CFL team in the hopes of avoiding his commitment to the Lions...
Mel Kiper, Jr. goes into hibernation for the summer
April 30, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. retreated to his cave in upstate New York where he has gone into a deep hibernation that will last through the summer months until the beginning...
Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed
April 15, 2009 by
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WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of a fourth Pirate, namely pitcher Zach Duke, after an ill-timed complete game by the pitcher hurt Obama...
After Obama selects North Carolina to win national championship, team goes to Senate for confirmation
April 08, 2009 by
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WASHINGTON, DC — The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an 89-72 win in the NCAA tournament final Monday night against the
Hal Steinbrenner thinks Derek Jeter may get a lot of chicks
April 06, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK — Fresh off his revelation last week that Yankees ticket prices are too high, Hal Steinbrenner dropped another bombshell this week, indicating that he has also surmised that Derek Jeter probably has picked up a lot of women in his lifetime.
“I imagine Derek gets...
Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers
March 30, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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DETROIT, MI–President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety of last season in Single-A.
“Rick has shown me a lot this spring,...
Curt Schilling’s blog inducted into baseball Hall of Fame
March 25, 2009 by
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COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a move not seen since Roberto Clemente’s posthumous induction in 1973, the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York waived its customary five-year waiting period earlier today and elected Curt Schillings’ blog 38pitches into its hallowed...
Collective Yawn Goes Unheard
March 22, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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Miami, FL — Government agencies along the East Coast of the United States have reported a previously uncharted seismic occurrence. Newly developed technology designed to measure the effect of substandard television programs on American audiences picked up a massive collective...
Cutler, McDaniels to Schedule Slapfight
March 19, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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ENGLEWOOD, CO — Two days after Denver quarterback Jay Cutler put his four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, one-waterfall, custom-built Denver area home on the market, the Broncos announced a final shocking twist in a saga that has increasingly resembled a Mexican soap opera. What began...
Cornell fan devises diabolical plan to get Big Red past Mizzou in NCAAs
March 17, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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ARLINGTON, VA — Local patent attorney Mark Westeschtein is known for three things among his friends: his searingly intellectual prowess (normally viewed in application of the American patent process), his adoring fondness for his fiance, Jemmy, and his undying love of the Cornell...
Albert Pujols tearfully admits cheating
March 14, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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ST LOUIS, MO–In the wake of Alex Rodriguez
Milton Bradley speaking solely in Internet meme
March 12, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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CHICAGO, IL—Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley has gotten off to a rocky start with his new club, already earning himself many enemies in the locker room and front office, due to his constant and excessive use of internet meme as a form of real-world communication.
“I just...
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