LATEST STORIES FROM SERIOUS SPORTS NEWS NETWORK
Sports reporter would rather be covering economy instead of a basketball game
March 12, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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PORTLAND, OR—Portland Tribune reporter James Answel found himself completely unable to focus during the Trailblazers 111-94 rout of the Lakers Tuesday night, his journalistic mind preoccupied with matters outside the sporting world. Answel, who over the past several months has...
Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing
March 03, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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KANSAS CITY, MO — The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at a tremendous discount due to his friendship with Scott Pioli, the Chiefs’ GM. However, SSNN...
Manny Ramirez emphasizes to Dodgers he plans to sell his private jet and begin investing in alternative energy
March 01, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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LOS ANGELES, CA
Furious Elin Nordegren divorces Tiger Woods following loss to Tim Clarke
February 27, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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JUPITER, FL — Less than a month after giving birth to the family’s second child, Charlie Axel Woods, a furious Elin Nordegren has announced she’s filing for divorce from her husband, Tiger Woods, following the golfer’s 4 and 2 loss to Tim Clarke in the Accenture...
Reporter develops new ?on steroids? game for A-Rod, kind of like ?in bed? with fortune cookies
February 27, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA — In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN’s Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game.
“It’s just like the fortune cookie thing, you know, where you say ‘between the...
Jose Rijo denies allegations; says he’s very careful about ages of minors
February 27, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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WASHINGTON, DC — Jose Rijo vehemently denied any involvement with an age scandal that is rocking Major League Baseball and the Washington Nationals.
“I am not at all guilty of what they have accused me of doing,” Rijo said of the allegations that he helped a prospect...
Las Vegas declared ice hockey capital of North America
February 25, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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LAS VEGAS, NV ? Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the wind.
No stranger to controversy when it comes to expanding their league, in recent years the NHL has added...
Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors
February 25, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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TORONTO, CA ? Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety of this part of game, the NHL has now adopted a more controversial, but less dangerous method of allowing enforcers to compete...
Hoffman to participate in sausage race instead of pitch
February 19, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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MILWAUKEE, WI — The Milwaukee Brewers proudly announced that they have found a role for Trevor Hoffman on their club.
“Yeah, that was a biggie, finding a way to get Trevor involved,” said manager Ken Macha. “We knew we weren’t gonna have him close games...
Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher
February 18, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK — Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming “Where the hell is Ashton?!” over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed that the entire NFL playoffs were rigged by Ashton Kutcher as an episode for...
American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids
February 12, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his tenure with the Texas Rangers has revealed that over 76 percent of American sports fans are...
Brett Favre preemptively retires from remaining 30 NFL teams
February 11, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK, NY - Following an announcement earlier that Brett Favre has officially retired from the New York Jets, he released a statement citing that he is also retiring from the other 30 NFL teams he has yet to play for.
“I’ve given everything that I can to these teams...
Man furious with co-workers for skipping his Pro Bowl party
February 09, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Things are awkward at DataTech Systems this morning, as Charlie Zimmer is seething mad at all of his co-workers.
“What can I say,” Zimmer said. “I work with a bunch of assholes. Not a single one of them showed up for my Pro Bowl party yesterday...
Tiger Woods son granted tour card
February 09, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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SAN DIEGO, CA — Tiger Woods’ two-day old son Charlie Axel Woods was granted a PGA tour card for the 2009 season after the newborn shot a 67 at Torrey Pines Golf Course to complete qualifying school.
“We’re pretty proud of Charlie Axel,” said Tiger Woods...
Dominican baseballer A-Rod responds to charges — “No hablo Ingles.â€
February 09, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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NEW YORK — Controversy exploded this weekend when Dominican-American baseballer Alex Rodriguez was accused of using steroids.
Rodriguez, widely considered the greatest player in the game, went into seclusion virtually immediately. However, SSNN was able to reach the player by...
In preseason douche poll, Lane Kiffin wins biggest douche in the SEC award, stunning the field
February 09, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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KNOXVILLE, TN — The Lane Kiffin era in Tennessee is off to a better start than ever hoped, with the results of the conference’s annual Preseason Douchebag Coach Poll being released.
In an unexpected harbinger of great things to come, the 33-year-old Kiffin was a near unanimous...
Michael Crabtree looking forward to being selected by Lions
February 07, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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LUBBOCK, TX—NFL prospect Michael Crabtree is 100 percent certain that with the Detroit Lions holding the number one pick in the 2009 NFL draft, he, as the number one receiver in the aforementioned draft, will naturally be chosen to be the next wide receiver in a long line of poor...
Phelps robs bank, kills man; USOC accepts apology
February 06, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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CHARLESTON, SC — Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also killing an unarmed elderly man when he recognized Phelps.
“Things got a little...
Rodgers-Cromartie to coaches: ?We should have quadruple-covered Holmes at the end there.?
February 05, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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GLENDALE, AZ?As the 2008 Arizona Cardinals began to pack it up on a season in which they fell just short of winning the Super Bowl, one player, rookie cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, expressed particular regret on one of the game?s closing plays, namely Santonio Holmes? spectacular...
Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant
February 04, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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PHOENIX, AZ -? Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback returned to Phoenix, he found himself hungry, so he pulled into a Burger King drive-thru, ordered...
Manny Ramirez can’t stop talking about “difficult economic times”
February 04, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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LOS ANGELES, CA
Kordell Stewart still waiting for people to show up at Super Bowl party
February 04, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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TAMPA BAY, FL — Even though it’s been three days since the Super Bowl, and the victorious Pittsburgh Steelers have already returned to the upper Midwest and celebrated with a parade, Kordell Stewart is holding out hope that some of the invited guests will finally show up...
Phil Mickelson dealing with some serious post-Groundhog Day gloomies
February 03, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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PHIL MICKELSON’S BEDROOM, N.C. — Phil Mickelson is unable to rouse himself from bed today, according to reports from worried family members, who have stated that the golfer is “totally despondent with a case of the post-Groundhog Day gloomies.”
“Phil...
Phelps declares he’s going to win 15 gold medals in London to make up for recent misstep
February 03, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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BALTIMORE, MD — An apologetic Michael Phelps has announced that he’s going to win 15 gold medals at the London
American viewers becoming disturbed with growing trend of exciting Super Bowls
February 03, 2009 by
Serious Sports News Network
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TAMPA BAY, FL?Last night?s exciting Super Bowl finish, involving two lead changes in the last three minutes, is part of a growing trend that some in America are calling worrisome: Super Bowls that are actually exciting to watch.
?I?m concerned,? admitted local woman Trish Hamsted...
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