LATEST STORIES FROM THE ONION
Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Super Bowl
Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.
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17 days ago
Discuss
Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me
STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting ...
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18 days ago
Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker
Offensive Lineman Uses Expressive Poetry To Deeply Move Linebacker
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19 days ago
Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches
NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signat...
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19 days ago
Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot
ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday he's beginning to notice how many complimentary meals he's getting from int...
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20 days ago
Inconsistent Indiana Ranked 2nd And 24th In New AP Poll
Inconsistent Indiana Ranked 2nd And 24th In New AP Poll
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20 days ago
Tebow Goes Back To Being Named 'Jimmer Fredette' For NFL Offseason
Tebow Goes Back To Being Named 'Jimmer Fredette' For NFL Offseason
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21 days ago
Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow
Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow
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21 days ago
NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’
NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie...
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21 days ago
Fan On The Street: On The Giants Upsetting The Packers
On The Giants Upsetting The Packers
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22 days ago
Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter
Packers Fans Relieved To Have More Time To Explore All That Green Bay Has To Offer This Winter
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22 days ago
Strongside/Weakside: Eli Manning
He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good?
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22 days ago
College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet
INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it...
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22 days ago
Sportsgraphic: New Super Stats
Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport.
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23 days ago
Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You
Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You
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23 days ago
Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees
SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a...
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23 days ago
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins
BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly.
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24 days ago
Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God
Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout.
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24 days ago
Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency
NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he or any man can ever say his agency is truly free.
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26 days ago
NHL Accidentally Makes All Three Of Its African-American Players Work On MLK Day
NHL Accidentally Makes All Three Of Its African-American Players Work On MLK Day
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27 days ago
Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be
TAMPA BAY, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer, former NFL coach and current head of UFL's Virginia Destroyers, to discuss how utterly terrible he wou...
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27 days ago
Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer
Extra Point Probably Would Have Been Good From 65 Yards, Claims Announcer
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27 days ago
Fan On The Street: On Barry Larkin Being The Only Player Elected To Baseball Hall Of Fame
On Barry Larkin Being The Only Player Elected To Baseball Hall Of Fame
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28 days ago
Report: New Orleans Saints Have Run Same Offensive Play Over And Over Since Week 6
Report: New Orleans Saints Have Run Same Offensive Play Over And Over Since Week 6
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29 days ago
Ndamukong Suh Fined $75,000, Just To Wrap Things Up
NEW YORK—In what it is calling "the only fitting way" to end a season marked by continual unsportsmanlike conduct and accompanying disciplinary action, the NFL announced Friday it had fined Ndamukong Suh an additional $75,000 just to finis...
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29 days ago
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