LATEST STORIES FROM THE ONION
Sports: Area Dad Talking About Pete Maravich Again
INDIANAPOLIS—While watching a recent Pacers-Cavaliers game with his 31-year-old son Daniel, Paul Steitzer, 64, began talking about former Jazz and Hawks legend "Pistol" Pete Maravich, marking the sixth time this season that Steitzer has brought up the Hall of Fame point...
Sports: Everyone In Huddle Afraid To Tell Aaron Rodgers About Turf Stuck In Teeth
GREEN BAY, WI—Members of the Packers offense opted not to tell quarterback Aaron Rodgers about the large clump of turf wedged between his front teeth...
Sports: Thanksgiving Football Highlights
Though watching the Cowboys and the Lions has become a big part of the holiday, the NFL's Thanksgiving Classic hasn't been all bad. We look back at a century of tradition.
Sports: Pittsburgh School District Leads Nation In Ability To Spell 'Roethlisberger'
PITTSBURGH—Just four years ago, then-eighth-grader Heather Lawler had no idea how to spell Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's last name. She would often eliminate the "e" after the "o," or place an extra vowel before the "l."
Sports: Nets Announce Team Is In Re-Demolition Mode
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In a continuing effort to destroy their roster and ultimately cause their team's collapse, Nets officials announced Monday that the franchise was entrenched in a long-term re-demolition process.
Sports: Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good
BRISTOL, CT—By wearing their brightly colored orange-and-black tiger-print uniforms during a victory over the Steelers, the division-leading 7-2 Cincinnati Bengals made their team gear appear far less stupid Sunday.
Sports: Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot
NEW YORK—A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot.
Sports: LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan
WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan.
Sports: Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive
SAN DIEGO—The Eagles were forced to settle for a field goal against the Chargers Sunday after sustaining a 260-yard, 64-play drive that featured six separate red-zone appearances and took 52 minutes off the game clock.
Sports: Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime
INDIANAPOLIS—The New England Patriots, playing on the road against a very good Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead.
Sports: Hubris In Sports
Bill Belichick's recent display of arrogance is only the latest example of sporting pride leading to a fall.
Sports: Mickey Mouse Noticeably Avoids A-Rod During Trip To Disney World
ORLANDO, FL—Members of the Yankees couldn't help but notice that the resort's iconic mascot Mickey Mouse made a special effort to avoid Alex...
Sports: Kansas City Fails To Pick Up Option On Royals
KANSAS CITY, MO—In an expected move Wednesday, the City of Kansas City declined to pick up their 2010 option on the Royals baseball club,...
Sports: Memphis Grizzlies Continue To Insist They Have 5 Players Better Than Allen Iverson
MEMPHIS, TN—Though Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave of absence and even threatened to retire because of his current bench role,...
Sports: Saints Completely Satisfied With 8-0 Start
NEW ORLEANS—Sources within the Saints organization confirmed Wednesday that players, coaches, and executives alike are all "perfectly...
Sports: Report: Yankees Trademarked 'Yankees Suck' Chant In 1996
TAMPA, FL—New York Yankees team ownership revealed Tuesday that the phrase "Yankees suck," one of the most popular chants in sports, was trademarked by the 27-time World Series champions...
Sports: 2009 Midseason NFL Highlights
At the midpoint of the regular season, we take a look back at the NFL's highlights and notable moments.
Sports: Ahmad Bradshaw Still Had Pretty Good Weekend Despite Loss To Chargers
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Though the the Chargers dealt the Giants a crushing fourth consecutive loss Sunday, running back Ahmad Bradshaw admitted...
Sports: Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call
SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan took officiating into his own hands Saturday when he made a citizen's foul call on Kings guard Kevin...
Sports: Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense
OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing...
Sports: Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland
CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland.
Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series
NEW YORK—Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.
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