Human alcohol depository, John Daly, was taken into custody (not arrested) by Winston-Salem police on Sunday night for what cops call a "24 Hour Sober Up." 24 hours to sober up? What the hell is that fool drinking? Now the FlyMaster has imbibed everything from Absynthe to liquid LSD to Cow urine, but never ever has he required a 24 hour sober up. If my liver doesn't deceive me, they don't even sell hard liquor at Hooters so Daly must have consumed a completely gratuitous amount of Miller Lite or something in that family. It goes to show, nothing good ever goes down at Hooters. Plus, those panty hose are just ridiculous.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

Go get me a drink Daly!

Madonna is divorcing Guy Ritchie and the A-Rod rumors are circulating once again. Damn you A-Rod!

A-Rod makes $25 mil a year. He's arguably the greatest baseball player of our generation. He'll retire as the home run king. Yet, despite all these positives, A-Rod decides that dating Madonna is something to add to his lore. Look Alex, dating Madonna is cool if it was 1987, but it's 2008 homie. Stop living in your childhood man. Grow up and look at her. Here's some food for thought.

She's 50! That ain't the new 20.

Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Countless Ectasy Dealers, and 1/4 of Hollywood have dipped their putzos in that crevace. Be careful what lurks inside.

Ask yourself, "Would Jeter do her?" Answer is no f**king way.

Is your self-esteem that low? Hookers are a better remedy that dusty pop stars rapidly on their way toward becoming the next Cher.

She looks like an unhealthy Tom Petty after a two-week heroin binge.

Dude, you're A-Rod. On the pantheon of MLB heroes stand you, Barry Lamar, Willie Mays, George Herman, and Hammerin' Hank. Would any of them be caught with Lady Skeletor?

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

Stacy Elizabeth Beshear was arrested in Manhattan Beach for stalking Lakers forward, Luke Walton. Beshear was arrested Sept. 18 after she pulled up to his car and pretended to fire gunshots at him with her hand. Hilarious. Now, having restraining orders filed against himself has always been a cornerstone of the FlyMaster's modus operandi, but I've always had high standards for those I choose to harass and stalk. Here's some advice to adhere to when choosing a potential stalking target.

1. Always choose a figure that other people know is a celebrity. Luke Walton, not so much.

2. Never use weapons or simulate weapons, unless you're using nunchucks.

3. Dressing in pajama bottoms is always a plus.

4. Do not masturbate in your car. That is a definite no no.

5. When arrested, flash that quintessential bipolar smile. This helps when going to trial.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

ps....I like what you're wearing today.

How does a failed running back with a bevy of kids generate money? Get involved with multikilogram cocaine deals of course. Travis "Baby Daddy" Henry was arrested in Denver after allegedly being involved with a monkey dust bust. In other news, Bam Morris and Nate Newton sent Henry emails saying he's a fool. FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

Oregon State deserves the utmost kudos for their textbook dismantling of USC last night in Corvallis. The Beavers played solid and cohesive on both sides of the ball while uniting as a disciplined and thoroughly focused team. USC, on the other hand, was exposed for what they've rapidly become. USC is now too Hollywood for college football. The talent is there. The system is in place. However, the USC Trojans have now taken to reading their press, believing the hype, putting up the facade of respecting opponents, stargazing at their home games, and basking in their supposed glory, which transformed them into a lackadaisical bully that inspires hate and vitriol in their opponents. When those opponents channel their disdain for USC into a focused three hour assault, as Oregon State did, USC is toppled. Ask the 2007 Stanford Cardinal, the 2006 Beavers, and the 2006 Bruins.

The root cause is the "Hollywoodification" of the USC Trojans. With no pro football team in town and the Lakers and Dodgers in the doldrums from 2003-2007, USC rapidly became the toast of the town. Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush and company were the biggest stars in town outside of Kobe Bryant. Hollywood latched on to USC. Leinart dated Paris Hilton. Bush courted Kim Kardashian. Celebrities began flocking to USC sidelines in droves and this falsely perceived sense of self-importance became a nefarious part of USC culture. Alongside real USC Trojans, Ronnie Lott and Marcus Allen, stood Hollywood players like Will Ferrell, Nick Lachey, and all sorts of hangers on. All of the sudden, the L.A. Colisseum became a "scene." As home games became more of a hot-spot the attention shifted from the field to the sideline. Players assumed they'd win like it was scripted. Too bad opponents don't read the same scripts.

The 2008 Oregon State Beavers refused to read USC's script, and instead they came out to punch the Trojans in the mouth. While the sissified Trojans looked at their bloody noses in the mirror to see if they still looked good the Beavers continued to pummel them in their bruised egos. Note to all underdogs: the best way to beat a bully is to attack them first and attack them often.

The Trojans will probably win the Pac-10 still and the hope of a BCS birth is not completely deflated. However, if USC wants to get back to the true dominance they showed in Carson Palmer's last year and Matt Leinart's first year at the helm they will have to do some serious culture rebuilding. It's a lot easier to rebuild talent than it is to rebuild a culture.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

Clippers point guard Baron Davis is the latest celebrity to join the Jenny Craig meal deal club. Davis joins Kirstie Alley and Queen Latifah as promoters of the Jenny 20. C'mon Baron. Jenny Craig? Is that what's hot in the streets? NBA players have personal chefs, friends who deal good cocaine, and access to the best colon therapy in the land, but Baron Davis turns to Jenny Craig? It's official. Being a Clipper can wilt even the strongest of spirits.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

West Virginia native Jose Cruz was arrested on DUI suspicion and while being booked he turned the other cheek on the cops. No, he didn't give a civil protest. Instead, Cruz lifted his leg and farted on the cops. Evidently farting on cops is grounds for an assault charge as Cruz was booked. Note to all criminals, don't eat gaseous foods when running afoul with the law.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

After watching the Broncos dismantle, disrespect, and destroy the Raiders in Oakland the writing on the wall is clear. The Raiders don't even play football in this galaxy any longer. Personal fouls in the red zone, a porous offensive line that couldn't protect Strawberry Shortcake from diabetes, a talented yet completely undisciplined squad, an owner that is a depressing Skeletor-looking shell of his former greatness, and loss of intestinal fortitude and self-respect that should be shown as the paragon of ineptitude for the youth of the world to learn from are the Oakland Raiders. Sad. Put Marcus Allen in the game.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

An Atlanta based rapper named MaryJane (very creative), aka Alexis Miller, filed a restraining order against the Big "Tell Me How My Ass Tastes." Allegedly, Shaq and Ms. Weed had an ongoing tryst that went sour and ended up with Shaq sending some less than Superman-like emails to her. Bring on the restraining order.

According to court docs Shaq wrote her one email that reads, "I dnt no who the *** u think u dealin wit u will neva be heard from one phone call is all I gotta make no try me. Sho me."

The docs also allege Shaq sent her "an unsolicited vulgar and offensive illustration of a man physically restraining a woman while forcing her to engage in sexual intercourse with him."

O'Neal is scheduled to appear before a judge on Sept. 4.

http://www.tmz.com/2008/08/22/woman-calls-shaq-a-heavy-and-a-heavy-breather/

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

For martial arts film fans around the world, today is a sad day. Julius Carey III, the actor who brilliantly portrayed Shonuff "The Shogun of Harlem" in the 1985 classic "The Last Dragon", passed away in Texas yesterday. Who can forget the Shogun of Harlem proudly boasting, "Am I the baddest mofo low down around this town?" The answer, "SHONUFF." That's right, "SHONUFF." Well, now we'll all have to kiss his converse in the afterlife. RIP Julius Carey III. "SHONUFF"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4hKh6ZQGOE&feature=related

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

After spending the week trying to find some sports to watch on TV I've officially lost my mind. My travels across the litany of ESPN channel, Fox Sports Guatemala, and Spike TV have provided the following thoughts.

After watching Euro 2008 last month, watching the MLS game of the week is like watching my daughter's 10 and under league. The uniforms look nice, but the game is horrid.

The coolest part of the MLB All-Star game is the introductions. Can't remember much after that.

This Brett Favre stuff has gone too far. Either way, the Packers aren't winning the Super Bowl.

WNBA commercials are inspirational. They inspire me to vomit. "I'm a superwoman...damnit."

Players in the NBA Summer League put 75% effort into the games. Especially in Vegas. Just look at the shots of the huddle and look at the amount of alcohol jaundiced eyes.

Give Barry Bonds a job.

Just for the heck of it, I really hope the Cubs don't win the World Series for another 100 years. At that point a losing streak becomes a twisted winning streak.

The ESPYs don't need red carpet coverage. Most athletes aren't too smooth and seeing them in full prom regalia is just stupid. ESPN even had the Schwab doing coverage. Ridiculous. And for all of you who scream Danica Patrick is hot, look how uncomfortable she looked in her dress. ESPYs are the minor leagues of award shows.

Rampage Jackson lost his mind, but I think I'm going to get my face airbrushed on my car this weekend.

Stop giving Josh Hamilton the key to every city. The guy battled demons and is winning, that's great. 28 homers in first round, super. In my book, beating drug addiction doesn't compare to beating cancer or something the world throws at you.



SKIP BAYLESS IS THE ANTICHRIST AND I WILL GET HIM IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!

What if football season returns and it doesn't make up for this boring summer? That would be devastating.

Greg Norman is still alive? Does and old shark still continuously grow new teeth. Apparently so.

Enjoy your weekend everybody. I doubt I will.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

www.sportsfly.com

The Yankees "Mustache Night" promotion was initially designed to garner support for Jason Giambi's All-Star bid, but it had a much larger effect. Seeing 20,000 fully formed, bushy and bristled mustaches in the stands hearkened the FlyMaster back to the glory days of athletes and sports. The mustache was a symbol of the powerful, independent, virile, aggressive, free-wheeling nature of sports in the 1960s and 1970s. From Rollie Fingers and Al Hrabosky, to Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain, the mustache was the athlete's calling card. The mustache said "I'm a grown man and I play a game still and love every minute of it....oh yeah and I get paid a nice amount." We listened, adored, and revered. The mustache said, "you can't do this in your office, so let me grow this man shrub on my lip for the both of us." We knew this in our souls. The mustache added that "wild man" aspect to athletes. It added to the mythical nature of sports and reinforced the characters in the game.

The Yankees "Mustache Night" dipped our collective toe in the forgotten dank water of the 1960s and 1970s, but it's impact could have been much more penetrating effect if only a couple of the mustache's compatriots were invited to the festivities. Who are the mustache's compatriots, you ask? None other than the $1 beer and the obligatory post-game (or in the dugout) cigarette would be the answer. Sure, the mustache said "I'm a pro athlete and I do as I please," but the in-game cigarette said "health is for chumps...I do what I have to do to get ready to do what you can't ever do!" The $1 beer in the stadium was the bridge between the mustachioed, cigarette toking athelete and the everyday fan. After a spending $5 on beer every fan thought he was Thurman Munson, Dr. J, and Reggie Jackson all rolled into one. After spending $10 on beer half the fans had gotten their fill of being a pro and could return to their life with head held high, while the other half were fully engulfed in the lifestyle and would return to their life with a hangover and the runs.

The cigarette and beer were also crucial accutrements in the post-game interview. Oh the joy of listening to Billy Martin muse about Reggie Jackson's performance while he gripped a lung dart in one hand and a beer in the other. It said, "the game is done and you want to talk to me...ok I'm gonna just chill with my 'rette and my brew." I can't see lollipop licking D-Wade or ulta-sleek Kobe or even Mr. America, Tom Brady, sipping on a brew in a press conference without thinking that the look like utter fools. They'd be villified, but they should be applauded and put on an exemplary pedestal instead. In the culture of rehab, public apologies, wimpification, and microscopic scrutiny there is no longer room for the mustache, cigarette, and beer combination. From this point on my sole goal is to resurrect the glory and power of the Holy Trinity of athletic expression. Who's with me?

FlyMaster Needs A Cigarette...For Now!

www.sportsfly.com

Pound for Pound boxing king, Floyd Mayweather Jr., announced his retirement today. This time it's for real...supposedly. Floyd who has been ducking Miguel Cotto and Antonio Margarito, the two fighters in his division that could take him out, for years says it was a tough decision, but he's at piece. Now the debate begins. Where does the Pretty Boy rank on the all-time boxing list? Sure he retires undefeated but when looking at his career, Floyd has benefitted from good scheduling and catching the right opponent at the right time. Jose Luis Castillo was his best competitor and should have been given a victory in their first fight. Mayweather destroyed Diego Corrales, a guy who was easier to hit than a statue. Beating De la Hoya was great for the sport, but had Oscar used his jab the outcome may have been different. Then he beat on a much smaller Ricky Hatton. That doesn't count.

The fact of the matter is Mayweather has ducked Cotto and Margarito, two guys who are skilled, in their prime, and aggressive. This tarnishes his legacy. Many compare Floyd Mayweather Jr. to Sugar Ray Leonard, but Sugar Ray never ducked anyone. Tommy Hearns, Marvin Hagler, Roberto Duran, Wilfred Benitez, and Terry Norris; Sugar Ray took them all on. That's what makes a legendary fighter. Not ducking to keep a perfect record. Even in this generation, one must give De la Hoya respect for fighting everyone around. Mayweather is blessed with one of the greatest skillsets in boxing history, but there is no way he can go down anywhere near the top of the all-time list. See you later Pretty Boy. Please don't unretire.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

www.sportsfly.com

The Detroit Pistons are reportedly flipping their script by moving on without coach Flip Saunders. Flip took Detroit to three Eastern Conference Finals, but no championship. Joe Dumars pulled the trigger on the move and look for other transitions in the Pistons near future. Nobody is safe, so look for Rasheed Wallace to appear on the chopping block in the attempt to lure another star. Maybe Shawn Marion? Detroit remains a threat each year despite only winning on championship in the current run of Eastern dominance.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

www.sportsfly.com

It's that time of year again. Call it "Revenge of the Nerds" or "The Geekpire Strikes Back," but definitely call it exciting, impressive, exhilarating, intoxicating, and roborant. That's right, the National Spelling Bee returns and now it's time to see what America's finest home-schooled, ADHD, highly functioning autistic kids have locked in the dank crevices of their rickets-riddled craniums.

Each year, America's finest spellers get together in NYC and battle on the fields of consonant vowel relationships, odd word origins, and grammar usage. Antidisestablishmentarianism isn't even a challenge to these phonetic wizards. Let's get down to Russian origins, old English derivatives, and flummoxing French pastoral idylls. Last year competitive spelling's Lebron James, Samir Patel, failed in his last attempt to capture the crown. Avid fans fondly recall 2003 the year that 9 year old Samir burst on the spelling scene and finished third. "The firmament is the delimitation," is what the pundits said, but sadly Samir never lived up to his advance billing. The 2008 field is wide open and the contestants should be warming their vocal chords for the mental joust that lies ahead. The excitement is palpable. The language is superfluous. The kids have highwater pants and oddly patterned sweaters befitting of an aged Bill Cosby. The National Spelling Bee is here and now it's time to crown a champion.

FlyMaster Signing Off...For Now!

www.sportsfly.com