Philadelphia - All too phrequently over the years, the Philadelphia Phillies have phlubed their phights and phound themselves watching the Phall Classic on TV, leaving their phevered, phaithful, phervid, phans to contemplate yet another phearsome phailure.

But in 2008 the Phillies phinally phind a phantastic way to phinish the phall phight .

Sports Shorts: The World Serious from eTrueSports Television

Atlanta - Holiday Inn Express announced that the hotel chain will no longer rent rooms to Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones or vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "The recent actions of both Mr. Jones and Ms. Palin conflict with our advertising message," explained a company spokesman.

Cleveland - Kellen Winslow who was suspended Tuesday by the Cleveland Browns for telling the truth about his second staph infection, has apologized. "I now realize personal health issues should always come second," said Winslow. "You won't catch me telling the truth again."



The Browns suspended Winslow for one game after the Pro Bowl tight end said the team had treated him like a "piece of meat" after his most recent hospitalization.



"I actually am a piece of meat," explained Winslow, "a big, angry, staph-infected piece of meat. And I like it."

In an exhaustive, no-spandex-left-untouched investigation, eTrueSports has established that Sarah Palin spent two seasons as a Knick City Dancer in the late 1990s. When reached on the campaign trail, Palin admitted she had danced at Madison Square Garden, but denied rumors linking her romantically with then Knick power forward Charles Oakley.

After Cubs owner Sam Zell cancelled their airline tickets, the players who lost to the Dodgers in Game 3 of the NLDS on Saturday night have been forced to walk back to Chicago. As of Tuesday morning, 7.27 a.m. PST, the team, save Carlos Zambrano, was located on Interstate 80, 15 miles east of Wamsutter, Wyoming.

Contacted at a Motel 6 outside of Rock Springs, WY, Zambrano said, "My days as a Cub are over."

Chicago Cubs (noun) 1. a former baseball team. 2. (informal) loveable losers. 3. a group of men destined not to succeed.

Oakland, CA - Oakland Raiders President Al Davis will take a leave of absence from the team to play the patriarch in FX's new Hell's Angels-esque drama, "Sons of Anarchy."



"I didn't want to get in the way of our team's wonderful progress," said the unassuming, low-key Davis. "Besides, this is a groovy role, it's gonna be a gas."

eTrueSports anchor Todd Covert has a BFA from Ohio State and a MFA from USC. Decisions, decisions!

11. Never, ever use the words "New Jersey"



10. No, Eric Mangini's father is not in the Mafia



9. The Meadowlands is not a swamp, it's a wetlands ecosystem



8. No Jimmy Hoffa jokes



7. Ditto, Belichick



6. Andy Rooney is a Giant fan, 'nuf said



5. Spitting and farting are crimes in Manhattan



4. Do not order Hudson River Whitefish in restaurants



3. You might want to cut down on the crying a€¦



2. Last year it hardly snowed at all!



1. Boroughs have nothing to do with varmints

Top Eleven Tim Donaghy Mercy Pleas to the Judge

11. Double or nothing?

10. Hey, what about State Lotteries? That's gambling!

9. 15 months! I'm already a winner, I bet the under at 16

11. This is Brad, call me back on a pay phone



10. You kidding? Minneapolis is much warmer



9. Go west on I-94 to Cedar, take a left and a quarter mile down there's a diner a€¦



8. Jesse Ventura is not the governor anymore and, no, you won't have to shake his hand

11. Polish A-Rod's helmet

10. Work on double play with Gwyneth

9. Jet to Paris to have cordial, can't-we-be-friends dinner with Lenny and Cyn



1. Hot oil their gloves

"Team Testosterone" - Cycling's Future

"We're All Juiced Up About Winning"

T-Squared Squad Sets Sight on Tour de France



Sheboygan, Wisconsin - Promising a new era of transparency in international cycling, BioOrGanicUS, a leading supplement manufacturer, is about to roll out an elite racing organization it will call Team Testosterone. The team - nicknamed T-Squared - will bike to a slogan of, "We're All Juiced Up About Winning."

Former Slugger Apologizes For U.S. Mortgage Crisis



Los Angeles – "Fannie is obsessed with me," said ex-MLB All-Star Jose Canesco about Fannie Mae, the mortgage executive at the heart of the U.S. real estate banking crisis. "I've cut it off," explained Canseco, "and told her to get back to running her organization, which is kinda like a bank. I think.