Yes...since I am male and live in the United States, March Madness is upon us, and I'm pumped. The NCAA tournament will be revealed in two hours.* I am definitely excited to see how the seeds fall this year...it's going to be a very interesting and crazy tournament. But then the logic side of my brain kicked in and told me..."hey, there are a few things that are REALLY WRONG with this time of year that everyone can understand."

Why do we let people who give horrible or borderline analysis of games not only watch the games live but describe them to other people? I'm talking, of course, about play-by-play and color commentators (which I will call "guys" from here on out - not to be sexist). I have a suggestions to make passable announcers.

Play-by-play guys should:

1) Call the game as if a blind person were watching. This is one of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES when it comes to play-by-play guys. I think blindness is a handicap that great athletes could possibly overcome (Kirby Puckett went blind, and he's in the Baseball HOF...anyhow), which leads to some sad irony. Why? Well, if you listened to these announcers, you would honestly have no idea what the hell was going on. They rely way way way too much on the visual image in front of them. Just because I can see the game doesn't mean everyone can. I shouldn't have to turn on the radio for decent play-by-play.

2) Get the names right. If you can't be bothered to look up names of the guys on the team and how they're pronounced...shame on you. They're standing right in front of you, ya doof!

3) Don't talk for the sake of talking - have material ready in case you blank. I don't care what it is; any poem, limerick, or racial slur will suffice in case of emergency (note: racial slur will probably lead to working for a different network - only do this when you hate your current job).

Play-by-play guys get off relatively easy (easy side joke: ask the ladies at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch about Marv Albert's stamina for proof!).

Color announcers? Here we go...

1) I don't care about your first hand experience watching either team. You saw Duke play N.C. Central in November...so what? So what. The reason I say this is because half the time, this type commentary makes blatantly erroneous assumptions, and the other half of the time, it's so vague it could apply to anything. Shut up Homer (referring to Simpson rather than the Greek playwright), leave your jersey at the door.

2) I definitely don't give a shit about your playing days anymore. Never tell me any story about what you did with what team and what it reminds you of. What's your job? Call the game, and that's IT.

3) Criticize the referees evenly, but only when really well deserved. Look, everyone will be screaming their lungs out at home about crooked refs. Only criticize a call in a case where there is a legitimate reason...WITHOUT the benefit of different angles, slow-mo, instant replay - except where appropriate. There is a reason why we single out and ridicule shady refs...to get them the fuck out of the sport! And yet, 99% of referees are fair. They might make a mistake, and we might laugh at it, or get angry at it, but it's a fucking mistake. Don't lay the whole season on their shoulders.

4) There is a very good chance that your brackets...your predictions...will explode in your face. Don't cry about it. Don't even really mention it! I don't care that you did or didn't see a Cinderella team coming down the line. Don't tell us, "I'm so smart I'm so smart I'm so smart", tell us what abilities of that team helped them get to the tournament.

5) Don't make your own anything. I'm speaking of, "if I made the NCAA tourney here's what it would look like." No one cares! I like watching the tournament for what it is, not Billy Packer's dream. I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT WHO YOUR TOP FOUR SEEDS IN THE COUNTRY ARE because your word doesn't carry much weight in respect to the Selection Committee.

And finally...

6) If you want to brood about bubble teams or seeding, do it elsewhere. I don't care what seed you thought (insert college here) should have got. Your opinion in that case means jack and/or shit. There are over 300 teams in NCAA D1, and it's a crazy time of year. In general, I don't give a shit about the way you view the NCAA season compared to others. Unless you actually come up with a rational explanation for why I should. In that case...Myles Brand will be giving you a call any day now, save your rants for him and tell him why you'd be a suitable member of the selection committee. I'm sure he...wouldn't listen to a fucking word you say!

So...with that all said and a half hour until the brackets are laid out...have fun everyone! Remember...there is a mute button and a way to turn off the sound if you need it.

* - this was originally written at 4 PM Sun, EST, and finished at 5:30 PM. I didn't post it anywhere at the time - I saved it and got ready to scream at the Selection Show.I thought it would be a fine intro post for this little experiment. Finally, sorry about the vulgarity near the end. I'm going to try to keep it to a minimum, but let's face it - swear words are often concise and always fucking fun.