Rafael Betancourt. Terrible closer? Check. Joe Borowski. Deserving of coffee? Nope. If this were a life and death situation, I'd suggest calling in the Wolf. As is, Alec Baldwin of Glengarry Glen Ross fame should be enough to fire up the tribe. Wouldn't it be great if professional sports teams called in ballbusters like this to get the team's attention?

Jason Giambi has resorted to wearing thongs in an attempt to break out of his slump. I wear thongs when I....well, I never wear thongs. Then again, I'm a lifetime .313 hitter. Giambi must be a confident dude to let this story out of the bag 1) at all and 2) when his average is still hovering around .200.

I challenge all yardbarkers and sports blogosphere officianados to find a better Brad Ausmus gaining 2nd Base eligibility in fantasy leagues movie montage anywhere! Gross. Who greenlights these things?

In honor of the New York Jets potentially bungling yet another draft, the Ken O'Brien fans over at Tiricosuave put together this What If video. Evidently, O'Brien isn't any better at saving the world than he was a quarterback.

Broncos WR Brandon Marshall fell through a TV entertainment center on Saturday after slipping on an empty McDonald's wrapper. He needed numerous stitches and will be in a cast for the next two weeks.

At least Marshall had a sense of humor about his near Final Destination type injury.

Evidently, it's not just Michael Jordan that Cuba Gooding Jr. has been harassing with his nonsensical underwear tirades. He all but ended Jeff George's comeback with this stunt.

I think John Smoltz injuring himself while ironing a shirt he was wearing is less embarrassing than Kaz Matsui having to report this. Hemorrhoids! For once, I'm with Bill Belichick. Let's just list everyone on the injury report as "Probable" and move on.

Like the rest of the 18-35 year old male population, I have never seen the movie Failure to Launch. The mere thought of Terry Bradshaw and Kathy Bates swapping spit on the silver screen is enough to make me gag, but this new preview of the film has potential. Wait, what? Well, at least it eliminated the Kathy Bates problem.

It's been ten days since Dwyane Wade's legendarily poor showing at the NBA Skills Competition and I still can't make sense of what happened on that fateful night in New Orleans. Good thing the boys over at TiricoSuave asked legendary Western U coach Pete Bell to take a closer look at the tapes.

If you're Colt Brennan and the last thing scouts remember was your god awful performance in a BCS Bowl game, make sure the first thing NFL execs notice isn't the fact that you're a complete "jackass."

I was reading the Baseball America 2001 Prospect Handbook the other night and discovered this sweet little gem on Detroit's newly acquired 3B, Miguel Cabrera.

"A false rumor that he contracted elephantiasis was spread in Venezuela by a jilted scout, though the truth is slowly making its way through the country."

Anyone who's taken a heterosexual glance at Miggy's nether region, in the name of scouting or fantasy excellence, understand that there's nothing to this. But Damn! Jilted is the understatement of the century. In case you're wondering, Elephentiasis is a disease that turns a man's meatballs into Alyssa Milano sized melons. Unlike the latter, it's not something drooled over and coveted by major league ballplayers.

Thank you Brittani Tribett, disgruntled mother of three month old Lance Jr. #261, for that fantastic headline. Personally, I prefer condoms to good intentions when trying to not get college girls pregnant, but that's one of many reasons why I'm not a linebacker in the NFL. There are plenty of quotable gems from this case. Here's another.

"Mirabelli said despite Briggs' $7.5 million annual salary, he's provided an average of about $250 a week over the last six months, or "maybe the cost of a tire on his Lamborghini."

I could do without the Benny Hill soundtrack, but the impersonations aren't bad. Walken would have been a solid addition to the cast. No doubt about it.

I wish this photo of me hadn't pooped up on the internet, but what can you do. Accidents crappen.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are close to signing the former Angels closer to a multi-year deal and rumor has it that he could take over 9th inning duties for his new squad. I know he pitched last year and pitched well, but for the last half decade or so he's been the guy that gets called out at auction fantasy drafts only to have someone say "isn't he hurt?" and then get thrown back into the draft pool because an outdated magazine says he retired due to arm problems. Just my experience.

What do I know. Then again, I'm good fantasy sports and Devil Rays organization sucks at baseball.