From: http://walterfootball.com/draft2008emmitt.php
Emmitt Smith is upset. ESPN has made a ridiculous decision to leave the best football analyst to ever grace our television sets off draft duty. To compensate, Emmitt has compiled his own 2008 NFL Mock Draft.
As a reminder, Emmitt is the best, and I seriously would never watch Sunday NFL Countdown if they booted him off the show. I'm just having some fun at his expense here; his inability to speak English while simultaneously maintaining a job where that's the only requirement is an awesome achievement that hasn't gone unnoticed.
At any rate, this is what a 2008 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. If you haven't read the Emmitt Smith Anthology, do so now, so you can understand how much of a comedic genius Emmitt really is.
"I make my own mock draft. Please read these doggone pick!"
Miami Dolphins:
Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College University
In the 2007 regular season, the Miami Dolphin became the first winless team to ever win a game in a regular season. Why did this happen, you ask? No talent in and around the locker room. You have Clyde Lemon at quarterback. You have
Ronnie Brown at running back. He had been banged up. And you have
Chris Chambers at receiver. He was sent sailin to San Francisco, or the Windy City, so to speak. But Miami have a new sheriff in town. Parcells, or as some people like to call him, "The Big Dolphin." If you look at Parcells' history, he likes to grab quarterback with the first overall pick. He draft
Drew Bledsoe in New England. He draft
Vinny Testaverde with the New York. And now he will draft
Matt Ryan from Boston College University.
St. Louis Rams: Jake Long, OT, Michigan
The Rams have not played confident football in three weeks... or three years, to be more precise. But the Rams are very close to winning the NFC W... South. All they need to do is find themselves a big ol' offensive tackle who make big open holes for their running back
Steven Johnson. Los Angeles... they give up, or they had given up 48 sacks on the year each week. That is why
Marc Bulger is spendin too much time gettin roughed up in the behind.
Atlanta Falcons: Darren McDaniels, RB, Arkansas
The Falcons has no runnin' game. Period. That is why the team need to draft the runnin' back from Arkansas, Darren McDaniels. I have no need nor reason to explain these.
Warrick Dunn used to be good but now he is over the hill, or the mountain, so to speak. Atlanta have Jarrett Norwood as a backup but he didn't score many points on my fantasy squad. So he is a bust. A strong runner like McDaniels who can run up the middle of the big ol' offensive line is exactly what Portland need to make their team as stronger as possible.
Oakland Raiders:
DeSean Jackson, WR, California
Oakland just do not have anyone who can catch the doggone football. Al David just have to face the reality -
Jerry Porter just do not draw the double team. JaMarcus Russells need a big-time receiver so he can win some games and put Oakland back on the globe.
Kansas City Chiefs:
Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
I had to get some help for this No. 6 overall draft pick so I look through the wide world web for answers. It turns out that not one mock draft from 2008 have
Tim Tebow, the great quarterback from Florida, going. Have not many people heard of this?
Tim Tebow is a great player: He can run. And he can throw.
This pick make a lot of sense because
Trent Green is startin' to get a little gray in his moustache, while Larry Johnson is gettin' really big in the tooth, so to speak. Tom Tebow can take both of their places in the starting lineup.
New York Jets: Ryan Clandy, OT, Boise State
The New York Jet need help really bad. And that is a big misunderstatement. After all, the Jets can only be disrespected by every team in their league and in the AFC East. In their conference, they have the
New England Patriots, who are good. They have the
Buffalo Bills, who obviously gone 11-5 in 2007 last year. They have the
Indianapolis Colts who won the World Series in 2005. And they have the Miami Dolphin, who just hired Parcells to be their coach. So the
New York Jets have their back against the fence.
New England Patriots: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
The Patriots... they are an all-around good ball club. Their running back... Laurence M... M... Malone have been banged-up ever since he became a running back for the
New England Patriots. New England have to draft a running back to run up the middle of that big ol' offensive line to score even more points so they can win Super Bowl XLIII this year and next year.
Baltimore Ravens:
Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College University
Now that Brian Billick have finally gone into retirement, the
Baltimore Ravens can finally start getting bettered on offense. Last year, they averaged 17.2 points per game every week on the season. An offense can only get more debacled from that point on. Now, if you look at the Baltimore roster you can see that they only have Kyle Billick and
Troy Walters as their quarterback. If they keep them, San Diego can not improve on their 17.2 average, which was good for 24th in their division last year.
Atlanta Falcons: Brian Bomb, QB, Louisville
Cincinnati have to trade this pick for a first-rounder in the year 2017.
Carson Palmer, Rudi Jackson, Chad J... J... Gordon and T.J. Houshmandzadeh are all very young ball players. They will not get old for a very long time. So, they give this pick to the
Atlanta Falcons who need a quarterback who can throw the balls. Brian Bomb is a quarterback from Louisiana who can throw the balls very good. So why doesn't... don't Atlanta draft him with the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft? It just make too many sense. Only then can the Bengals start gettin everybody's numbers back to where it belong in the first place.
New Orleans Saints:
Branden Albert, G, Virginia
Reggie Bush obviously need more help. Right now, he has... have... ha... have to carry the entire team on his neck... or his arms, so to speak. The Saints has to add a big ol' offensive lineman who can help Reggie run up the middle of that big ol' offensive line hard. With a strong runnin' game, the Saints will have a tough chance to make the playoff for the first times since the town got hit by that tornado a couple year back.
Buffalo Bills:
Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma
The
Buffalo Bills obviously finish the 2007 season with a 5-11 record on the year for a number of reason. They did not have help at the wide receiver position... and... a lot of other things. Now, you look at this draft, and the Bill can draft a big ol' wide receiver who can come across the middle of the football field and catch passes from the quarterback
John Edwards. Believe me, I beat the Bill three times in the Super Bowl during my illuvrious career, so I know what they need. Jim Kelly have no help and Ivan Lee just do not draw the double team.
Denver Broncos: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon
It is no secret that Mike Shannons have a big knock of finding runnin' backs late in the draft every single draft. But the tide is movin. It has become emmittent for the long
Denver Broncos head coach to find himself a solid runnin' back who can punish the defense with his will and his hunger and his strong. I will admit that I do not know much about Jon Stewart but I believe he will be a great player in the National Football Conference for a very long times.
Carolina Panthers: Chris Leak, QB, Florida
Carolina have no talent at the quarterback position and that is why they keep gettin' blowed out! Not at all. When you look at the team, you look at
David Carr, who obviously have become the late bust after being picked first in the 2005 Draft a few years ago. You also look at
Mark Moore, who obviously have no skills. And you also look at
Vinny Testaverde who may retire this summer. So, Carolina have to draft Chris Leak from my alma matter. If Leak go in this choice, Florida will be the first school to ever have two quarterback drafted in the first 15 picks for uhh... a couple of months.
Chicago Bears:
Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh
When you look at the Bears defense, the Bears has lots of good players on that defense. The reason why the Bears did not go to the Super Bowl for the third time in the past two years is because the Bears offense... the Bears offense do not has any good players on that offense. The Bears offense need to get good players on that offense to be a high-scoring offense so that the offense can score more points and get back to the Doggone Playoff. What need to be fixed? Well, you come to the right place. Rick Grossman is the main reason the Bears were... devastationed... in the Super Bowl when they went last season.
Kyle Orton is not the answer in the long haul either.
Chad Henne is better than both of them combined right now. Henne have an ugly mug too, so he will not date hot broads like Jessica Sampson or Kelly Underwear.
Detroit Lions: Chancellor Washington, RB, USC
Matt Miller have done a terrible job with the Detroit Lion. It is stupid to draft so many wide receivers with you first pick. If they make me the general managing of the Detroit Lion, I promise to draft a big ol' runnin' back with speed ever year. Why? Every team that has won, or that have won the Super Bowl in the last 20 years have good runnin' backs. The
Indianapolis Colts have
Edgerrin James. The
Denver Broncos they have Terrell David. And... uhh... others too.
Arizona Cardinals:
Jamaal Charles, RB, Texas
Edgerrin James or as some people like to call him, the Ed, have been playing in the National Football Conference for a very long times. He become a rookie in 1989, which is about eight or nine years ago. Arizona need a great running back for the first time since they sign your truly a couple of months ago, or a couple of seasons ago, to be more precise. Now, the question have to be asked, is the Ed a Hall of Fame runnin' back? My opinions on this matter have to do with championships. If you win a championships, or two championship, or three championship or even five championship, you deserve to be in the Doggone Halls. If not, you need to unretire and try again. It is the only option.
Minnesota Vikings:
Chilo Rachal, G, USC
I have no doubt in my minds that Adrian Peterson is the second coming of one Emmitt Smith. He have speed - once he get onto the open field, nobody can caught him. He have agility - agility is the same thing as speed but different spellings. And most important, he have strong - no one in the conference right now can match his will and his determining. The difference between Peters and I is he do not have the same offensive line I has when I played across the Texas line. I had
Larry Allen. Peters do not has anybody.
Houston Texans: Dustin Keller, TE, Purdue
The Houston Texas has been an expansive team for far way too long. It is time to get the balls rollin', as they say. Ever since the Texas joined the NFL, or as some people like to call it, the National Football League Conference, they has never been able to beat the mighty
Indianapolis Colts ever since joinin the league two or three years ago. Plus, you have the
Jacksonville Jaguars who are good. And the Tennessee have
Vince Young, who is good... and young. The Texas have to grab that quarterback who can throw the ball good and win the football games.
Philadelphia Eagles: James Hardy, WR, Indiana
The reason
Donovan McNabb have great arm strength is the fact that his arm is so strong. But it might as well not even matters because his receivers cannot catch a fly with their Chinese toothpick.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Emmitt Smith IV, RB, Florida
Jon Grudens love to take the sons of former NFL players. He should draft my son, Emmitt IV. Emmitt IV is only five or six years old, and he already can carry the football in both hands - his right hand and his... uhh... other hand. Emmitt IV is a little young in the tooth, but he can be a great runnin' back in the year 2017.
Washington Redskins:
William Franklin, WR, Missouri
Now we begin to talk about the Washington Redskin, or as I like to call them, the arc nemesis of the
Dallas Cowboys. But because we are speaking about the national's capital, I must voice my opinions on the upcoming elections.
Everyone say Barrett O'Bama seem like a cool cat, but he Irish, our long and sworn enemies who start the War of 1812, a battle we are still fighting today. I would hate to see Irishland be the country we lossed a war against. And then you have Hillary Clinton, who cannot be counted on to get the jobs done. If she cannot please her man, how could she possibly please the good people of the United States of Americans? My vote for the next president is John McCann. I never hear him speak, but I sawed he have a hot daughter. The Redskin, they are from Washington so they should take a receiver who is related to a president.
William Franklin have seen rumors that he is the son of Benjamin Franklins, the great president on the $100 bill.
Dallas Cowboys: Felix Gordon, RB, Arkansas State College
I did not realize there are so many pick in the first round so I will use what I wrote for the April Fool Mock Draft for this analyst:
I have great respectations for Felix James.
Jerry Jones always talk all the times about how he could not decide between both running back in Arkansas State College. So, I look at the draft board and saw that this guy Felix J... J... Gordon was available. I have to grab him for
Jerry Jones sakes.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
What Pittsburgh need to do is very obviously. The team must obsign a big ol' linemen who can keep the guys on the other side of the ball from knocking Big Bob Roethlisberger's head off. Big Bob head have been through a lot lately. He have been in a bicycle accident a couple of months ago. Then his stomach blow up. Then he have a concussion or two. A part of a man's body can only be explosioned so many times.
Tennessee Titans:
Devin Thomas, WR, Michigan State
Vince Young - he is not old. He is not middle ages either. He is uh... the other one. But he have no receivers - no whatsoever! These are an injustice. Jeff Fishman need to draft a quick receiver who can run down the football field, catch the doggone football and fast - very fast.
Vince Young's receivers from last month - they did what I like to call "Grand Theft Drop." They drop too many passes and those are the reasons the Tennessee fall out of the postseasons in 2006.
Seattle Seahawks: Roy Rice, RB, Rutgers
The reasons Seattle lossed in the doggone playoff last year was because they could not stop Green Bay's running game, and uhh... other reasons. As the wise man one says, if you cannot beat them, whoop that @$$! The next time Seattle cross Green Bay in the postseasons, they will be able to unleash the flurry that is Roy Rice. He a mean runner who can run the ball strong and hard. If Roy Rice play the entire season, he can run for 3,000 yards every single week. With Roy Rice in the backfield, the Seahawk can right the score and get rid of Shaun Alexanders, who fall down before he get hits.
Jacksonville Jaguars:
Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
I am tire! Why are there so many doggone pick in the first round!? There should only be 10 pick in the first round!
We must give David Gordon a lot of credit - he play quarterback great after coming back from his Chrome Disease injury. Not only is he now the best quarterback in the conference, he is also the best quarterback in the state of Jacksonville. Nonfortunately, he do not have a dynamite receiver to work with. Coach Jack Delaware need to find that big target for these brave quarterback.
San Diego Chargers: Rashard Anderson, RB, Illinois
I have one more analysis from the April Fool Mock Draft. Like Mr. T always say, "I pity the April Fool."
San Diego have lossed Michael Turner to the
Atlanta Falcons in the free agency. To win in the National Football Conference, you need two or three strong running back who can run the ball and also carry the doggone football. Rashad Anderson have really impressed me at the University of Illinois, which is in the city of Chicago. He have the ability to rush for 2,000 yards in a season when
LaDainian Tomlinson decide to hang up the socks, so to speak.
Dallas Cowboys:
Mike Hart, RB, Michigan
When you draft one running back, you are taking a small risk. When you draft two running back, you are even taking a bigger risk. The Cowboys had not had a great running back for a very long times. His name was spelled: E-M-I-T-T S-M-I-J-T. Do you give up who that is? It is me, the last good running back who run for Portland. Jerry James will draft three running back in the first round, I will bet my entire house on these.
San Francisco 49ers: John David Boogy, QB, USC
I talk to my good friend Tory Aikman about these pick. I must apologize; I have... had... have had not been following the 49ers since Steve Youngs retired two weeks ago, or two years ago, to be more precise. Tory Aikman, who also happen to be my favorite analysis on NBC, say the 49ers need a new quarterback. Alex Smith have tiny hands which cause him to eat the ball up.
Green Bay Packers:
Erik Ainge, QB, Tennessee
You may not have heard the news, but
Brett Favre announce his retirement yesterday. I almost fall off my coach when I hear the news. Green Bay need a new quarterback to lead them into the 21st millennium.
Erik Ainge is the grandson of formal basketball player
Erik Ainge, who play for the
Chicago Bulls and the Portland T... T... Lions.
Erik Ainge is athleticism and will win a few games in Detroit.
New England Patriots: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois
My sources telling me that NFL commissioner David Stern are trying to take these pick away from
New England Patriots. I could not agree with those more. Roger Stern should also come up to Bill Billick's door and slap him upside down the heads. No one cheat in the Super Bowl and get away with it!
New England need to grab Rashard Mendenhall again in case they could not get him the first time around.
New York Giants:
Colt Brennan, QB, Hawaii
Like my good friend Michael Irving always say, "defense do not wins championships, points wins championships." That is why the Giants need to take a quarterback just in case Alan Manning cannot win the big one.
I call Michael Irving the other day and he offer me his special white powders. I said "nah." I don't do those stuff so I can keep my mind as clear as a stapler for my work on ESPM.
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