Not to be completely 100% cruel, but I just have to have at least a slight chuckle at all of these Cub fans who are obviously in agony over the complete choke job that was their team this playoffs. 97 regular season wins. Zero postseason wins. Ouch.








Well at least Vince Vaughn still looks Ok.

"Every Sports Fan Pray For Nebraska"
Because they suck a fat one.

Male Cheerleader or Rabid/Non-Hetero Fan
You Make the Call.

Do The Commodore Dance
Choo Choo... Choo Choo

We Dominated Nebraska and Won A Bell
How'd They Get This Big M on This Here Bell?

Hey Anybody Know If We Won Today?
I Was Upstairs and Can't See that Far

A Fast Black Quarterback Running Past the Michigan Defense
A Recurring Michigan Theme

The De-Helmeter
Saban Teaches the Stiff Arm

BYU Samoan Mormons Play Without Helmets
Crazy Dudes with 5 Wives

No Catch
Three Men, 1 Ball, 1 Ground to Fall

One Sad Bull
Why Can't Grothe Pick Up Blitzes?

Why Ain't We #1?
My Contract is Only So Long, I need a New Job.

Ok this happens every year now apparently. Last year it was London this year Prague, but why the hell does Hockey start the first week of October? Anyway here are the wonderful predictions from someone who maky watch 5 regular season hockey games this year. Now with new and improved records so I can evaluate to the point how wrong I was.

NHL West Standings



W L OTL PTS 1 Detroit 49 23 10 108 2 San Jose 49 23 10 108 3 Calgary 44 28 10 98 4 Dallas 46 28 8 100 5 Minnesota 44 28 10 98 6 Anaheim 45 29 8 98 7 Colorado 44 30 8 96 8 Chicago 41 32 9 91
Nashville 40 33 9 89
Edmonton 41 35 6 88
Vancouver 39 33 10 88
Phoenix 38 35 9 85
Columbus 32 38 12 76
St. Louis 32 40 10 74
Los Angeles 32 43 7 71
West Conference Finals

San Jose Sharks over the Detroit Red Wings - Because enough with Detroit's dominance of all things Hockey.

NHL East Standings



W L OTL PTS 1 NY Rangers 47 24 11 105 2 Montreal 47 25 10 104 3 Washington 44 30 8 96 4 Pittsburgh 47 26 9 103 5 Philadelphia 44 28 10 98 6 Boston 43 27 12 98 7 Buffalo 44 29 9 97 8 New Jersey 44 30 8 96
Ottawa 44 30 8 96
Carolina 41 32 9 91
Tampa Bay 37 36 9 83
Florida 34 37 11 79
NY Islanders 33 39 10 76
Atlanta 33 40 9 75
Toronto 32 41 9 73

East Conference Finals

New York Rangers over the Pittsburgh Penguins - We're going NYC overly Pittsburgh because the Giants won the Superbowl.

Stanley Cup Finals

New York Rangers over San Jose Sharks - Jagr will bring the Ewing theory to hockey because without him the Rangers win the cup.

NHL Awards

There's way too many awards in the NHL, so obviously I'm not going to do them all...

Adams - Gordon Bombay, is their any doubt he's going to be the best coach in the league, give me an f'n break. (Perennial Pick)

Calder - Candace Parker

Hart - Who's got Hart? The one female in the NHL of course. Sydney Crosby. (Perennial Pick)

Norris - Named after Chuck for being bad ass. Sean Avery because dude gets the ladies and is annoying as hell.

Pearson - Alexander Ovechkin, he scores a lot.

Lady Byng - Someone I will lose respect for. Awarded for Sportsmanship? It's Hockey there should be none of that. I'd imagine this goes to someone on a loser team. So we'll go with someone on the Maple Leafs. Mats Sundin sounds good.

Vezina - Henrik Lundquist es un swedish pimp from Club Vandersexxx. (Perennial Pick until he wins)

Hey UVA is allowing signs again at their field. Here's an idea for one.

Both teams find themselves down 0-2 needing to win three straight to advance to the next round, so of the two which team has a better chance of getting to a game 5 and pulling off the upset?

Location: Edge Brewers
Do you trust a team to bounce back on their home field with the fans cheering for their squad in the postseason for the first time in nearly 30 years or do you trust a team flying out to the West Coast to play on the road? Answer is simple.

Pitching: Edge Cubs
The Brewers have no Sheets and are going with Dave Bush (whom was platooning earlier this year) and Jeff Suppan. Which of those two guys inspires confidence? Meanwhile the Cubs are throwing out 5 innings of dominance aka Rich Harden and Ted Lilly. I think its clear that if either team is going to bank on solid pitching this weekend its the Cubs.

Opposition Pitching: Edge Push
The Phillies are bringing old man Jamie Moyer to the hill on saturday while the Dodgers are throwing Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda. I would not be surprised if either gets bombed. Meanwhile neither the Phillies or the Dodgers have declared their 4th starter. Do they bring back aces Lowe or Hamels on short rest? Or do they roll the dice with their 4th starters (Blanton for the Phils and either Maddux or Kershaw for the Dodgers). Either way both teams up 2-0 don't have the best pitchers for the weekend.

Bats: Edge Push
Both teams have essentially done nothing with the sticks so far. Neither has been able to put together hits. Both teams however are no longer facing staff aces so I expect both to start putting up numbers.

Overall More Likely to Get to a Game 5: Cubs
I don't think either team will force a game 5 but you have to at least be grateful if you're a cubs fan for throwing out two solid pitchers in the next two games. Harden if he's on could easily go 6 without giving a run and same with Ted. Meanwhile if you're a Brewers fan you have to be praying that the bats wake up big time this weekend against shat pitching and you can give CC his redemption time back in Philly. The Brewers are obviously the choice if the question is if both make game 5 who's in better shape. CC or Dempster is an easy answer. But I just don't see the Brew crew winning both home games despite the modest edge in pitching while I could easily see the Cubs sending it back to the Windy City.

I sucked less last week. Woo.

5. Detroit Lions (+3 1/2) vs. Chicago Bears
I'm smoking some serious stuff right now but I think the Lions actually come off the bye scoring points and hanging tough with the Bears. Maybe I've been hit in the head one too many times recently.

4. Denver Broncos (-3 1/2) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Yes the Broncos couldn't stop the run at all last week. But LJ was a rested beast. At home this week they will put up a ton of points and win by a touchdown.

3. Washington Redskins (+5 1/2) at Philadelphia Eagles
Perhaps it was the fact that the Eagles put up a boatload of points in Dallas on primetime that got everyone so high on them. But the Redskins beat the Cowboys in Dallas. This is a tough divisional game that could go either way. I'll take 5.5 on a game that's 50/50 any day.

2. Indianapolis Colts(-3 1/2) at Houston Texans
The Texans for some reason were overrated by everybody this season for some reason. The Colts need this victory and will go into Houston and spoil the home opener.

1. New Englad Patriots (-3 1/2) at San Francisco 49ers
Bill BEEEELLLICCCHHIIICCKKK off a bye week and facing up against a shitty team only giving 3 1/2? Sign me up.

Survivor League Pick: SCREW Seattle

Ugh, go with Dallas.

Non-Spread Picks

Things I should Be Doing This Weekend: Leaving Work at 3 and driving 2 hours to the alma mater. Heading out to O'Connor's for delicious beer and lamb kebobs. Playing 5 games of Beer Die and heading out to the bar until 2 am. Waking up hungover at 10, and stumbling up to the quad and drinking at homecoming. Taking a mid-afternoon and recycling the friday night festivities minus O'Connor's.

Things I will Be Doing This Weekend: Heading out of work at 4 and going to the gym. Having dinner at home and watching the baseball games and going to bed by midnight. Wake up at 6:15 get ready and catch the 7:23 train to Manhattan. Sit in class from 9-4 and catch the 4:37 train back to lower Connecticut. Why? Becuase I had the bright idea to take Saturday classes this F'n semester for my MBA. I'm an idiot.

Do Not sign Jerry when their is a mystery candidate lurking in the dugout with a mustachio and a pair of shades. Yes Jerry is funny and 'Gangsta' but he is no Bobby V.

A new weekly tradition where I try to think of some clever sign someone could parade with on Saturdays at ESPN's CollegeGameday.

Mike Francessa is still searching for a partner after Chris Russo bolted for the big bucks, so over the course of the next few days he's aligned some of the other WFAN personalities to work an afternoon shift with him. He's bring on Ed Coleman for a few days, Chris Carlin for a few days, Joe Beningo for a few days, etc.

Chris Carton, WFAN Co-Host of the morning drive shift with Boomer Esiason, decided that it was a good time to poke fun at this rotational shift. Carton joked around about who would be next with Carlin and played the sound bite of essentially every single WFAN personality. He then said something along the lines of anyone with a pulse is co-hosting with Mike.

This of course lead to Big Mike getting pissed off at Carton, because he has no funny bone. Francessa went on to play the clip while making comments over the tape. Here's just a few of the humorous quotes Francessa threw out there:

"If He Wants a War Bring it On, It Won't Be a Long One"
"I could get rid of him in 5 minutes."
"He walks around here and he can't kiss up to me enough."

He says other things about how low Carton's salary is, how his afternoon drive show has been number 1 forever (we know you say it daily), how he's been accused of not cross promoting, how Carton likes to insult other people, etc. Essentially Francessa was obviously pissed, obviously does not like Carton nor anyone insulting his program (cause it's the greatest of all-time) and insinuated that he has so much power at WFAN that he can get anybody fired with a wave of his fat fingers.

And of course Francessa returned from the break saying it's all in fun. A little cross promotion. And that they'll get it together and they'll get funny soon. And then he said "I really love those guys." Ha, ya that's completely believable.

Having heard the news of Travis Henry's impending arrest with inspiration from Chad Ocho Cinco's recent outburst about more Bengal's breaking the law the Bengals and the Brown family have signed Travis Henry to a 3 year deal. The terms of the deal are not fully known but it is believed that the contract will include payment if his 40 illegitimate child support payments as well as access to the finest drug runners in the Ohio Valleys.

Travis Henry was reached for comment following his signing and said "Yo dawgs, this drug bust was all a plot from me and my agent. I need to play football and knew the only team out their to entice was the Bengals. They luv them some cons. So I broke the law and within minutes I was blowin up."

Travis Henry is expected to join the Bengals on the practice field tomorrow and will compete with fellow con Cedric Benson for the starting role. It is believed Henry has the edge thanks to his crimes being more extreme.

So we've done this once already, but of course not all the teams you predict to make the playoffs before the season starts actually make the playoffs. Like say 5 of the 8 teams I predicted to make the playoffs. Whoops. And since I picked the Mets to win the World Series and they collapsed we shall revamp everything.

DSes

Brewers vs. Phillies: The Brewers are scrambling to put together a rotation, their bullpen is also in shambles and I picked the Phillies to beat the Brew Crew in a 1 game playoff prior to the season. So Phillies it is in 4.

Cubs vs. Dodgers: This should be an interesting series given Manny and Torre, Furcal coming back, the Cubs trying to break the curse, Zambrano's miserable finish, Sweet Lou's entertaining dugout antics, etc. In the end I think the Cubs just have a bit more depth in the starting pitching and I expect Big Z to pitch well on ample rest. Cubs in 5.

Rays vs. White Sox: The White Sox have already taxed their rotation and the Rays are getting back Crawford to bring their lineup back to full strength. Rays in 4.

Red Sox vs. Angels: Two teams I can't stand going against each other. The Red Sox have a few injury question marks still as do the Angels with Chone. I think the Red Sox take it down in 5 after they are able to touch off on Lackey in the closer.

CSes

Phillies vs. Cubs: The Fightin Phillies got pummeled in last years postseason by the Rockies because they were worn out after their massive comeback over the Mets. This time it wasn't so massive and this time Hamels is fully rested and Myers is pitching well in the rotation. They have 3 solid starters this year and the same feisty lineup. Phils in 6.

Rays vs. Red Sox: The Rays for whatever reason this year have played extraordinarily tough against the Red Sox. They went 10-8 against them and dominated them at the Trop. It's tough to go with the inexperienced Rays but there's just something behind their youthful fire that I like this postseason. And I love David Price throwing lefty fireballs in the pen. Rays in 7.

World Series

Phillies vs. Rays: The magical run for the Rays is going to end in Philadelphia. Ryan Howard is going to hit 3 homers in the series and take home the MVP. Cole Hamels is going to baffle the Rays hitters for 2 strong Ws and Brett Myers is going to get over his rage and lead the Phils to the clincher in game 6.


I fully expect these to be 100% wrong. Thank you.

I'm back from Hotlanta and the one thing I took away from the trip is that approximately 1/3 of the people in Atlanta wear some sort of ACC apparel on Saturdays. I went to the zoo and whether it be UGA, Auburn, Bama, Florida, LSU, etc. everyone was wearing something. Thankfully despite UGA's ass whoopin at the hands of Nick Saban I did not see anybody leaping from the bridge located a few steps away from my hotel.

Wow You Guys Suck: Scott Linehan, You're fired and deservedly so. You have pro bowlers at QB, RB, and WR and yet your offense sucks. You make the wise decision to play captain concussion at QB instead of Marc Bulger. Nothing you did worked, enjoy your free time. Runners Up: The Texans slipped to 0-3 because they aren't good, the Bungles can't beat anybody.

This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Cincinnati Front Office, Not only are the Bengals 0-4 with arguably the worst lines in all of football, they also decided they did not have enough criminals on their squad so they signed Cedric Benson. Nice. Runners Up: Andy Reid for stubbornly rushing up the gut continually at the goal line, People that thought the Vikings were going to be really good this year.

Cough Cough Cough: Oakland Raiders, You have a 15-3 lead heading into the 4th quarter with your coaches job obviously on the line and you lay a massive egg and give up 25 in the final frame. Runners Up: The Rams decided they also wanted to lay an egg in the 4th and get their coach fired, despite the dumb decision to run the ball 4 straight times the Eagle O-Line needs to get it done there.

The Shocker: The HERMINATORS, So you prancing around in your survivor league after 3 weeks with the lock of the century in your face. The Chiefs suck, the Broncos are undefeated, it's common sense bank on the Cutler crew. And then you cry tears of infinite sadness. Runners Up: The Redskins pulled off a surpriser in Dallas to remove the Cowgirls from the unbeatens, the Bears might actually be a true NFC contender.

The Pimp: Larry Johnson, The HERMINATORS decided to go back to their roots this weekend and just hand the ball to LJ and watch him dominate for almost 200 yards. Runners Up: Santana Moss could not be covered by the meager Cowboys secondary, Mr. Coles decided that he wanted to catch balls from Brett Favre now.

You Got Jakked Up: Anquan Boldin, He can walk so I guess we can marvel at just how hard the dude got smoked.

My Fantasy Anti-MVP: Me Again, Hey Coles is questionable? Oh fuck bench him I don't want to get a zero spot from one of my wideouts. Who needs 3 first half touchdowns. Great job jackass... Somehow I won anyway so I guess it doesn't matter, just another example of me always benching the wrong players.

New York Jets Anti-MVP: Brett Favre, I was gonna go with the D for forcing 8 billion turnovers but they also gave up 9 billion yards so we're going with the 6 td thrower.

My Picks

My Picks: 9-4
Preseason Picks: 11-2
Picks Vs. Spread: 8-5

Not bad all around. Somehow someway my preseason Picks currently sit at #297 overall and in the 99.9% of all ESPN Pigskin Pick'Em entries. My normal picks is slightly behind at 99.1% and my Spread Picks are well not in the same ballpark.

Mandatory Sexual Harrassment training in the office today from 1-2:30. I'm sure they're just going to show this video.