Poor Fernando. Three seasons pouring your heart and soul and effort into one of the worst teams in NFL history. It's a wonder the whole team doesn't retire and eat antidepressants for breakfast.

All may not be lost for the Washington Wizards. Star guard Gilbert Arenas could return in time for the NBA Fi-

Please, let me finish.

The NBA Fina-

Stop laughing. Please.

Like we were saying, Arenas could return to play in the NBA Fi-

Forget it.

No one really expected David Carr to accomplish much with the Houston Texans, but few might have guessed that after five years he would be relegated to holding Chris Weinke's old clipboard. It's a shame, really - Carr never had much to work with and played behind an offensive line which had more holes in it than a Cincinnati Bengals shooting victim.

Tony La Russa may have been arrested for drunk driving, but we can't help but think if Jackie Chiles could take this case La Russa would walk.

The cops didn't catch La Russa driving - they caught him passed out at a stop light. Drunk…parking.

Hey, when the season is almost over and you've only put in time in 17 games, you have to do something to get attention. Mohawks just don't cut it anymore. So Scot Pollard - who should be notorious for being the only "Dennis Rodman wannabe" in the history of the universe - figured telling kids to do drugs would accomplish just that. It worked...

Most people, when they decide to retire, move to Florida.

Jake Plummer has it backward. He wants to retire instead of moving to Florida...He obviously has some kind of backward thinking disorder. Of course he couldn't lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl - he thought he could make it by losing in the playoffs.

The Steelers cutting Joey Porter is almost like Mount Rushmore cutting Abe Lincoln, but apparently the new-look Steelers want a new attitude as well to go with new coach Mike Tomlin - an attitude of passive wussiness...

One season, eight losses, eight interceptions to three touchdown passes…in Detroit, it's enough to earn a three year-contract extension. In Oakland, where the standards are ever-so-slightly higher, it's enough to cost Aaron Brooks his job.

To be fair, Brooks didn't have a whole lot to work with; his offensive line helped him eat turf 26 times and his top two targets, Randy Moss and Jerry Porter, are spoiled prima donnas who spent a significant portion of the season on the sidelines getting their nails done. We think...

Keep this in mind when shopping for Mr. Hardaway next Christmas. Ixnay on the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy DVDs...

...What would make Troy Smith beg to play in Cleveland? The amazing pool of talent that would surround him? The strong offensive line that would protect him? Could it be that he's just a fan of the warm colors which stylishly make up the Browns uniforms? Maybe it's the undeniable appeal of being known as "the next Trent Dilfer."

With Troy Smith hoping to bring the Browns to glory, and LeBron James already doing wonders for the Cavaliers, Cleveland fans will be asking excitedly - are we moving toward a sports renaissance in Cleveland? Will Cleveland become one of the premiere sports towns in the country? The answer, sadly, is no. We're more likely to see a perfume renaissance in New Jersey...

...The elbow shot to Ginobili's nose happened with 2.7 seconds left in the game. A cheap shot? Of course. Can we fault Kobe for doing it? No. This was a long time coming.

Of course, considering how much Ginobili flops, we're not even sure that's real blood. It's probably ketchup. That's pathetic - to be such a flopper that you'd smuggle ketchup packets onto the court to fake a bloody nose...

Latrell Sprewell's former longtime girlfriend has filed a $200 million lawsuit against the former human noose...er...NBA star for dumping her, apparently objecting to his calling their relationship "fake" and breaking a promise made in college to share his "life and fortune." Now, we've all told women in college things that we probably regretted - but promising to share millions of dollars is a little different than promising get them backstage to meet Ted Leo & the Pharmacists.

Having traded their top two receivers to get him, one has to wonder who exactly Vick would be throwing to. Then again, it's not like throwing to receivers has ever really been something he's good at.

Joseph was pulled out of a car cops saw weaving around, driven by an unidentified woman with a suspended license. Officers searched the car, and Joseph informed them he had marijuana and produced a black pouch with the Super Bowl logo on it.

We don't know what's more amusing - that the Bengals have had nine players arrested in thirteen months, or that, at this rate, this is the only way we'll ever see "Bengals" and "Super Bowl" in the same article.

One thing is for sure - this ingenius application of MacGyver-esque proportions sure beats the old-fashioned balloon-up-the-tailpipe method.