The Capital One Bowl announced today that it lacked the funds necessary to continue operating, yet the latest casualty to the flailing U.S. economy. But the government stepped in to issue a statement saying that is was bailing out the Bowl, and any others, so that these important games can go on uninterrupted. The United States Tangerine Bowl, as it will now be called, will go on as scheduled on New Year's Day, as a beacon to resilience of the American economy. It could be proceeded by the United States Peach Bowl and followed by The United States Aloha Bowl, depending on how their finances shake out.

President Bush made a statement about the bailout to the American public on television. "My fellow Americans, today we saw one of the staples of democracy nearly fall. The Capital One Bowl is one of the 36 exciting bowl games that are all integral to this country's well-being. Our founding fathers created this country with the idea that you could sit down on the first day of the new year and be able to watch the 3rd place team from C-USA take on the 5th place team from the WAC. That is our right as free people, and that right will not be abridged on my watch. The game will still take at the same field, although it is now called U.S. Government Stadium, as we had to bail them out too. We want everyone to feel safe to book tickets to USA Orlando, as you normally would for this game, just remember that you need to look for the USA in front of the city, as we also had to buy that. As you can see, football and freedom can not be stopped."

The economic woes have hit all businesses hard, but perhaps none as hard as the magazine industry. Already struggling due to drops in readership, they have had to makes changes to their very concepts. American staples, such as Time magazine, have had to cut back on how often they publish. Once known for it's weekly takes on American politics and pop culture, Time is now called "SomeTime: When We Can Afford It".

But today another famous magazine is making a title change, and that's Sports Illustrated. Famous for stunning sports photography, Sports Illustrated is being retooled as a picture-less version of itself to save on printing costs. Now called Sports Described In Text, the magazine will tell you about some of the best sports photographs from the week's action. The cover to the right is from their debut issue, and as you can see it is not as eye-catching as it was before. Reader response to the retooled magazine has not been good, with many saying that they "miss the pretty pictures". Advertisers too are not liking the new format, saying they are having a hard time getting their message across to readers. A full page ad for Bud Light read "(Picture of young white, black, Asian, and Indian friends enjoying Bud Light on a beach while tossing a football. They are having so much fun. If you could see them, you would say, wow, I wish I could have that much fun. And you can, with Bud Light.)"

Sports Illustrated tried to save their prized issue, the swimsuit edition, from having to undergo the format change, but it appears even that will have to be converted. Next year's much hyped issue was set to feature Gizelle Bunchen, whose photoshoot was taken in Bali. We here at TSC received a sample of the new described pictures, with the best one being "(Really hot picture of Gizelle in a bikini bottom and no top, covering herself with her bare hands. The water is rushing over her. This is quite possibly the hottest picture in the history of the world. If you could see it right now you would be extremely aroused.)"

Gossip magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one Yankees spokesman.

Indeed it has been bad times lately for one of Hollywood's oldest rivalries. At times this year, it seemed as if both teams just didn't have the same spark they used to have for each other, with the Yankees especially seeming disinterested in both the Red Sox, and winning. It's no wonder the Red Sox are now out on the town with the hot young Rays, who had been flirting with Boston all season. Fights, close games, and home sweeps, all left fans in the audience wondering just when these two teams would just get a room already.

Apparently they have, with the Red Sox PR director saying, "Look, we have had a great rivalry with the Yankees. We still love each other, but we've just grown apart over the last few months. We've continued to keep ourselves in great shape, while they have started to look like the Baltimore Orioles. It's disgusting, and we needed some time apart. We're not saying our rivalry is over forever, we're just gonna give this Tampa Bay thing a shot, see where it goes. We have a lot in common, and we just need to see for ourselves if maybe they would make a better rivalry. If we were meant to be, we will be again. Goodbye New York. Goodbye."

An angry Hank Steinbrenner said "Those young Tampa Bay sluts think they can break up our rivalry just because they had a couple years of sound salary management and smart pitching trades! We have worked for a century to build this rivalry up, and they can't just come in here and tear it down in a season! We'll be back together before you know it!"

The Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up to expectations."

Many around the country consider this an anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to 1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."

\"Jon, you have been with this team a few years now,\" said Ford. \"You have had quite a season so far, throwing 5 interceptions in only 4 games, and getting us to a 17-0 deficit in only 1 half of football today. But, today we have made the decision to honor one of the great former Lions players, a punter who wore the number 8 back in 1972. I don\'t remember his name, but he was with us for almost half that season, and punted a pretty good ball. Not great, but nothing too horrible either. In the name of, whatever his name was, we are retiring the Lions number 8 jersey today!\"

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

Miami might be able to win a few games, if only they used some innovative formations from time t time. Sadly, they are just too vanilla to beat a team like the Chargers.

The Happening: Now on DVD in a director\'s cut edition much less shitty than the one you saw in theatres!

Well, I know it\'s a bit early, but I\'ve been so impressed with the undefeated Buffalo Bills that I\'ve already booked nonrefundable airfare and hotel in Tampa to watch my team in the Super Bowl! Wahoo! 16-0!

Thank you Dominos, now Mike and Mike can annoy me on the television as well as the radio.

Travis Henry was arrested today on suspicion of cocaine dealing in a suburb outside of Denver. It is believed he was involved in a multikilogram cocaine transaction outside of a nightclub, but was caught by an undercover officer in the middle of the night. The arrest has surprised many in the area, mainly because more than half the children in Colorado are Travis Henry's. But also because they did not know he was peddling coke. "Well, I'm very disappointed," said longtime Broncos fan Greg Kirkman. "I've been purchasing my cocaine from a shady character downtown for years! I had no idea I could get it from one of my own Broncos! I don't care about the price! I wouldn't trust Henry to watch my kids or be alone with my wife, but I do trust him to know the very best in cocaine..."

But the news is not sitting as pretty with The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse, Denver's largest superstore for illegal drugs, and also chairs. La-Z-Boy, stardust, Ashley Furniture, blow, Kane's, rock, they have all the best brands. "We want to remind everyone that The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse has been your trusted source for all your sitting and smoking needs since 1971," they released in a statement. "Don't be fooled by all the free advertising Travis Henry is trying to stir up by being arrested. When you smoke our coke, you know you are smoking the finest Columbian imports. And it's all backed by the CNCW 100% guarantee. If you aren't 100% high after smoking our cocaine, feel free to try and figure out how a phone works when blitzed out of your skull and call us for a refund. Offer only good while high as balls."

Al Davis finally fired Lane Kiffin this morning, after weeks of speculation by the press that the move was forthcoming. He held a press conference to address the issue, as it had spun a bit out of control in the media in recent weeks. Davis drove his Rascal personal old person scooter up to the podium, saying he had just gotten back from a trip to the grand canyon. He came in wearing a giant Raiders jacket, because they always make it so cold in here. During the trip, he said he had a lot of time to think about the team's situation, and decided it best to let Lane go now, so that he would still have the opportunity to fire a couple more head coaches before the season ends.

Davis then pulled out a stack of mail, which apparently included a letter he sent to Lane Kiffin telling him about his decision, but it had been misplaced. Davis proceeded to begin reading each piece of mail in order to find it. After a couple hours of listening to him read bills, hate mail from Oakland fans, and special offers from Life Alert, he finally found the letter. After all that reading he was quite parched, so he called over his personal waitress that follows him around everywhere and serves him drinks like in a 60's jazz club. He got a mix of Ensure, vodka, and gin, a drink he called a "Salty Reagan".

He read the letter aloud, talking about his dislike for the loud music Lane Kiffin would play from his headphones. "An iPod volume setting over 25 will not be tolerated here," he said in stern words. "I can almost hear the music myself, and I don't share his tastes for hippy rock 'n roll. He also destroyed my lawn with his game against the Chargers last week! I spend a lot of time on that lawn, and he goes and tears it up with all those blacks he is always hanging out with on Sundays. I couldn't tolerate this behavior any longer, it was time for a change."

Al Davis then made a strange awkward face, and his personal nurse came over to see what was the matter. He whispered something into her ear, and she proceeded to lift him up onto the podium and begin to change his adult diaper. Most of those in attendance then began to vomit profusely.

TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

* Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the gayest looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.

* Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.

* Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.

* Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.

With the losses by four top ten teams this week, hope is still alive for all college football teams to make it into the BCS championship game. The fact that only two teams make it into the championship every year has led some to believe that a team must stay perfect to have a shot at a national title. But not this year, as nearly every team that looked unbeatable early on has taken a stumble so far in the young season.

Even lowly North Texas, somehow already 0-12 on the season, is still in the running for a BCS berth. "Well, we lost last week to something called Rice, 77-20," said head coach Todd Dodge. "The NCAA thought it was so pathetic of a showing they gave us a couple extra losses as punishment. But they were quick to reassure us that despite being 0-12, we were still in the top 20 in the BCS rankings."

"Sure, all these teams have some losses," said college football analyst Lee Corso. "But you have to look a the quality of their opponents. North Texas has 8 losses to Rice. Now, I don't know about you, but I ate some of that with some really spicy curry last week, and it was a hell of a battle at the toilet the next day. I think they're still in this thing."