Until Al Davis offered me a job on this submarine, I was stranded under a falling sky at "The Great Depression Theme Park & Casino."

I had put my money in Wachovia and on the Bengals. That didn't work out so well.

Combine my reading habits with the fact that I have been immunized against witches and ya can see, America, that I am super qualified to make these predictions.

I want to appeal specifically to Joe Sixpack. Yes, I encourage ya to have another beer. Did ya know it's almost closing time and ya need to pick somebody.

Now I am going to wink and grin.

GEORGE BUSH: My fellow Americans, our entire economy is in danger but if you give me $700 billion to bet, I have a hunch the Cleveland Browns are going to win this week.

The federal government has bailed out the New York Yankees, loaning the team 15 MLB-wins.

"The Yankees are going to the playoffs," said President George W. Bush. "Mission accomplished."

JETS AT CHARGERS - With the Chargers up by 5, Brett Favre cries and retires when the Jets get the ball on their own 1-yard line with 30 seconds to go. While the Chargers are celebrating and the refs are rolling up their sleeping bags, Favre un-retires with 4 seconds to go and throws a 99-yard touchdown pass. Jets 26, Chargers 24

EAGLES AT COWBOYS a€" I admit that I am ready for some football. Please quit singing that song! Meanwhile, look for a T.O. drop or a Pacman personal foul to decide this game because I think I speak for many when I say I want to revel in the implosion of Jerry Jones' team of knuckleheads. Eagles 27, Cowboys 23

When the Republican Party changed its official motto to "We Love Teen Pregnancy," organizations across the great land of Freecheezeburgerz began looking for similarly audacious ways to capitalize on difficult news.

And with the NFL season starting, the summer Sunday wannabe juggernaut that is NASCAR (it really was almost a juggernaut once, and still could be) has decided to merge with the NFL because, according to a source who knows the name of NASCAR president Brian France, it simply can't find the proper rival for Kyle Busch.

Next week, in Minnesota, John McCain doesn't even plan to venture into a football stadium and yet he wants you to believe that he is more prepared for the job. How is he going to change the team without even going to the stadium?

BEIJING - Cough.

Hi, I'm Mao O'Reilly of Fox News here with Zhouey Bradshaw of Fox Sports reporting today on the historic Olympic American Presidential 2008 NFL Predictions Debate between John McCain and Barack Obama.

But already Bulgarian and French Olympic judges, in what international legal experts are calling "a Cahoots Agreement" with the Korean judge, have declared an unknown Venezuelan as the Gold Medal Winner.

Those judges, it turns out, are still in Bulgaria, France and Korea, and the unknown Venezuelan actually picked Florida State to win the Super Bowl, or maybe it was the World Series.

"Hey, I'm just Manny being Manny," he said as an explanation for how he planned to enter men's cycling and women's rhythmic gymnastics.

These two events, more than a mile apart at the exact same time, require him to acquire new skills and in one case a new gender, and also a time machine or perhaps just a gender opposite clone.

"I've given my all to his house, to this living room a€" to this organization. So I say to Brett - go ahead, keep your new sofa. I'll just go support some other ass."

My golf pro, one of thousands of American golf pros with secret NFL videotapes, made me quit golf and apologize to the duck. That's why these are the best 2008 NFL predictions on the Internet.

Let's listen in on radio transmissions between the driver John Q. Public and his crew chief George W. Bush. Public is driving the number "2008" FreeCheezeburgerz Chevrolet.



Public: "I'm running out of gas, my car is way too loose, I'm starving, and there's a nervous banker in my backseat telling me he's going to foreclose on my lug nuts."

Bush: "I wish I had a magic wand."

Reggie Bush has been a big disappointment. Now Reggie Clinton, Reggie McCain and Reggie Obama are in the NFL draft/Freecheezeburgerz-sponsored Green Room hoping to be a high draft pick and not this year's Brady Quinn.



Hi I'm Charles Gibson of ABC News here with Mel Kiper Jr. to cover this year's NFL draft. Mel, you're not wearing a flag pin. Why do you hate America so much?

It's time to get rid of another curse in baseball. Here's why this is finally "Next Year" for the Cleveland Indians..... from the author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR"

Really.