The Cubs are second in the NL Central so far this year behind the surprising Cardinals. Why aren't they in first? Check their new logo for a hint.

What do you think the Cubs can do to fix this problem?

Bench Alfonso Soriano? Not so easy now that he's starting to hit.

Draw on Soriano's pinstripes with pine tar? The ball has to at least hit him for that to work.

Make Derrek Lee do 100 pushups every time he makes an error? Maybe that'll get his power numbers up.

What are some other things?

IF Soriano hits home runs AND steals bases again - can we look the other way while errors in left field soar like cholesterol at a Brewers game?

Feilx Pie has been beating Sam Fuld for the starting centerfield job in Chicago all Spring. Meanwhile, some unlucky trainer has been beating the odds and keeping Pie in the lineup with a twisted testicle, beating the affliction by "manually reducing" the problem according to reports.

The beatings could only go on for so long and Pie will have the "personal problem" - according to Lou Piniella - fixed surgically by sewing his testicle to his scrotum wall.

Speaking of balls to the wall, that is how Pie has been playing all Spring - locking up the Cubs starting CF role by batting .321 with 2HRs and a number of great plays in the OF.

Beat that Sam Fuld!

Just as Cleveland's speedster started off their improbable season in the movie "Major League" with an excuse me infield single - so did the Cubs' Ryan Theriot start of 2008 with an infield one-bagger.

So if Harry Doyle's quip "You can often tell how the season will go by the first at bat" holds true - 2008 is off to a good start.

The Cubbies didn't stop there and hung 12 runs on the Giants in Scottdale this afternoon winning 12-6.

Grades on the game:

Dempster: B

Dempster pitched well in 2 innings - threw a lot of strikes and showed an upgraded sinker that got a bunch of ground ball outs - a good sign. He also grooved a fastball that got belted for a HR with 2 outs in the first but i assume his velocity isn't all the way up yet so on average he was ok. He'll need to stay away from HRs if he's gonna get that 5th spot.

Fukudome: A+

Fukudome got on base all 3 times up. DLEE and Ramirez are smiling. Incidentally his first major league pitch hit him on the right arm. He also drew a walk later. Good stuff.

DLEE: A-

1-1 with 2 RBI and a walk. I like that he took a walk... let's see some HRs

Theriot: A+

3-3 with 3 runs scored - Lou's looked bright so far batting him #2 in the tentative lineup. Oh - and he stole a base.

Fontenot: B+

hit well (2-4) with a HR and a triple and had 3 RBI...

Pie: A+

This guy jumped out to a lead over Fuld in the CF race going 2-2 with 3 runs scored and a walk. Did i mention he hit a HR?

Fuld: C-

0-2 and looked a little off in CF

The rest of the pitchers were un-notable for the most part against a weak-hitting Giants team except Ceda who got rocked.

Ceda: D

2 H, 2R, 2BB in .2 IP - he did strike out 2 or he woulda flunked.

Go Cubs.

Goodbye tradition. Goodbye history. Goodbye all things sweet and pure. Wrigley Field is not long for this world. At least the name Wrigley Field is not.

Sam Zell - who now owns the Cubs and Wrigley Field - said he will be selling those bastions of America's pastime separately and would not hesitate to hock the naming rights to Wrigley in the process. As he points out - he didn't get a discount for not selling the naming rights when he bought it.

Go ahead Sam... scuttle one of the last hopes - not only baseball but America - has of staying afloat in this rising tide of greed. Naming public forums after people who deserved it or at least for the community it served was one of decency's best weapons against the almighty dollar. Sadly, that time is coming to an end and be sure that hell's not far behind.

Joe Robbie, RFK, Jack Murphy... please welcome Wrigley. Try to make her comfortable.

The Cubbies just started throwing pitches yesterday but this thing is as good as over.

Carlos Marmol will start in the closer role for the Northsiders. He may not stay there but I predict he will start the season and i'll give you 3 reasons.

1. Marmol's been pitching in Venezuela all winter as a closer so he's certainly ahead of Mr. Wood who can't yet be counted on to even throw consecutive days (though I have a lot of hope for him as the season progresses) and Lou's already saying how Howry's a slow starter where Marmol gets out of the gates well.

2. A chunk of the Cubs early schedule is at home and we all know what it like to pitch in Chicago in May. Cold. And Marmol seems to do better in colder weather. Lou said so himself this year and in looking at the numbers he gave up only 3 runs in his first 30 innings last year (a cold start as well) and 2 of those runs were at Atlanta so i am inclined not to count those. This guy is like Nanook of the North. Check out the candid photo below!

3. Lou has said Howry is in the lead recently but has been downplaying that recently - seemingly like he said it just to take some pressure of Marmol. But keeping the option open to go to Howry later.

So there it is. Marmol is the closer at least to start with.

144 Cubbies games were on WGN in '98. This year? 63. That's down from 78 even a year ago.

The reason? mo' money. I guess that's what we get with all this payroll and new owners.

If they start selling Pabst instead of Old Style i'm gonna be pissed!

SI is all dried up. After 44 years the well has run dry.

Their latest installment not only copies their 2000 cover bead for bead (see below) - it generally mailed it in to the point I had to question what the hell this thing was doing in my mailbox.

Even the locations reeked of odd. Russia? Isreal? what happened to the shoots in Pakistan and Iraq? And instead of actually picking good photos - let's just throw everything we have on one page for magnified viewing only. To top it off - in case anyone is disappointed, we'll paint a chick and make her really cold so her inch-long nipples can cut diamonds and do a close up. Honestly? Nipples do not belong in sports illustrated.

At what point will we realize that the SI swimsuit issue is just a clever advertising ploy by Victoria's Secret? There were no articles this year. They share all the same models. No one can actually swim in any of these suits. Heck - half of them wash off in water.

It's time for SI to stop the slide. If i want to see porn i'll read withLeather.com

Batter Up!

Watching Soriano weakly bounce a ball to third, i recall one Harry Doyle saying "Some people say you can often tell how a season's going to go by the first at bat." And then Willy Mays Hays beat out the throw from third base - predicting the Indians

success. Alphonso may be Wesley Snipes' equal as an actor - his career has gone downhill since not coming back for Major League II - but he is not nearly as fast apparently.

"They're not household names by any stretch of the imagination..." Couldn't have said it better myself.

Chris Young sends a "seeing eye" dribbler up the middle. Ok - it was a little better struck than that but Zambrano waved at like he was unimpressed. Not worried in the slightest. It's just the leadoff batter.

Now that batter is at second. The throw was not even close - Soto is not back there to scare any one.

Zing. Zambrano says "hit that." 1 Out.

After throwing three darts, Zambrano has apparently decided to get crafty with Byrnes and threw three balls, none of which are close.

I am sorry for doubting Oh Carlos - thank you for smashing Byrnes bat with a fastball to teach me not to doubt you.

A bad hop could have helped the Cubbies out there as it skipped past the runner going to 3rd.

3-0 again and Zambrano throws the side arm wiffle ball pitch. What the heck was that thing? It looked like a frisbee up there.

Great call by the Ump on that one - beautiful pitch. And then the swing and misssssss. Sit down Tony. Sit down D-bags.

-- top of 2nd --

Oops - Brandon got it up and DeRosa slaps it into right.

Great - we have a "non-traditional Questec Umpire" behind the plate. Apparently if the pitcher can hit his spot consistently, he will expand his strike zone. This shouldn't effect the Cubs as they don't like to get too far into the count.

Lou Piniella transcends the game. He knew where Soto was going to hit into a double play so he sends the runner. Genius.

Theriot continues to not grasp the concept of waiting for your pitch and swings the Cubbies out of the inning. I often have this problem in Beer-League Softball. When swinging at the first offering, i bat nearly .200 points lower than if I wait just once. Just lay off the first one Ryan...

-- bottom of the 2nd --

Where's that "Non-Qwestec Ump" on that one? Zambrano's second pitch is a beauty but gets called outside.

Zambrano is working fast. This is bad news for the D-bags...

Zambrano is doing a weird thing were he comes after every other batter. Salazar is now ahead of the count 3-1. Now he is on First. Walk. DANG IT.

Just saw Kirk Gibson on the Dbags bench. I think he looks younger than he did when he played for the Dodgers in '88. I thought that about Ryne Sandberg too until I saw him with his hat off at the 2001 All-Star Game in Seattle. He looked like Death eating a Cookie. Gotta love Ryno though.

Tinkers - Evers - Chance anyone? Great looking double play there by the Cubbies. Theriot - DeRosa - Lee - not the same ring.

-- top of the 3rd --

What did I say about first pitch swinging? Zambrano heard that and made me eat more of my shoe. Double?!? Sweet Lord. Pitcher on 2B.

Soriano finally made some contact but for an out. Oops - Soriano's got that long, stickball swing - you'd think that he coulda got SOME wood on the sloooooooow curve. But no. 1 out.

What are these guys swinging at? These curves and changeups are in the dirt?! Did we not watch our film?

I think Webb is extra effective against this free-swinging Chicago lineup.

Yet another in the dirt and yet another Cub 9-iron. So far the only hits have been on curves Webb left up in the zone.

Derrek - wait for it!!! 0-2 now. it's probably not coming. Oops - there it was but D-Lee watched it go by... 3 outs.

Gotta be frustrated leaving Zambrano on second - after the man showed them how to hit..

-- bottom 3 --

I've always liked that Outback jingle. Emo Australians... brilliant.

AND The GOAT is in attendance. Greatest Of All Time - Muhammad Ali. Nice try D-bags - bring the GOAT to the game. It's not going to work. Curses can't be effective in stadiums built since Full-House went off the air.

That was a durty pitch to strikeout Webb. A little "check that out I knocked your pitch into left-center snap inside sinker go sit down."

And then Zambrano just decides to throw the ball past everyone. NEXT!

-- top of the 4th --

Ramirez just missed putting the Cubs up 1-0. Rats. Aramis is heating up. Mark it down.

Cliff Floyd gets "non-traditionally Qwestec'd" Where the heck was that pitch ump?

Dbags SS Drew makes an easy play look hard. Vizquel would've made that look like silk. Here comes Carlos.

-- bottom of the 4th --

Stephen Drew looks like he just escaped from the cover of a Hardy Boys novel. Where's JD?

What the heck!?! HR Dbags. I will never mention the Hardy Boys again. Or the Drews. They are dead to me.

Dbags 1 - Cubs 0.

This is fine. Chicago doesn't like to lead until the 8th. Dempster sometimes doesn't like them to lead in the ninth either, but we'll get to that if we have to.

Now we have to pray that the Dbacks don't start shelling Zambrano because he is now pissed and will be throwing the ball as hard as he can right down the middle.

NICE! - Lou's not getting pissed in the games these days so those crafty bastards at Aquafina decided to make him pissed in a commercial. That oughta get us going. Thank you Aquafina. They even waited until AZ got the lead. brilliant.

-- top of the 5th ---

Reynolds just air-mailed that throw to Tony Clark. How do you overthrow Tony Clark? The dude is more stretched than Armstrong... Lead off man on Second.

WHAT?!? Zambrano refuses to take a pitch and lines out. That was close. Again - Omar Vizquel wouldn't have had to jump on that one but no matter.

I like how Lou just said - "No Carlos, don't bunt over the tying run to third. Swing away." It almost worked you crafty bastard.

Now Alphonso "sand-wedge" Soriano is up.

Holy Cats! he didn't swing at that one in the dirt... something is up... And it's not Soriano anymore. He lined out. At least he made contact.

A diving Clark smothers a hot grounder and the Cubs squander their second RISP with no outs. Normally a bad sign but we know the Cubs don't like to go anywhere NEAR homeplate until the 8th inning.

The 9 foot Clark came in handy on that one.

---- bottom of 5 ----

I don't care what you say ESPN - Zambrano IS an ACE.

Augie Ojeda is still in the league? Didn't he play with Pee Wee Reece? SIT DOWN Augie!

Ball hit off Zambrano. He actually made an effort on that one. Kind of.

All the Dbags' 3 hits have been straight up the middle. Unfortunately one of them went 432 feet up the middle. Stupid Hardy Boys. D'oh!

2 outs with the pitcher up and one on after that hit. It stinks that we won't get to pitch to Webb to lead off the 7th.

-- 6th inning ---

Ok - Let's see some runs...

Derrek Lee - the man who forgot how to hit homeruns - leads off with a single.

Now here's Ramirez ... Strike out but a wild pitch! DANG - he can't run to first because DLEE is there. He would've been on no problem.

Not getting the breaks tonight as Cliff Floyd golfs one into right but it's smack dab to the RF.

Webb is getting lucky - and tired.

Thank the Lord. DeRosa lays off the curve... for now. Webb is looking tired - he just chucked one waaay outside.

Maybe relying on the curve too much? Well - there's a fastball that DeRosa ignores.

Next two are just outside and WAY outside and now Soto is up - batting .389 in 18 games, but i'd rather see a .250 hitter with some experience up there.

Webb continues to miss the strike zone. Too bad there's 2 outs and it's the 6th.

If Soto can get a hit or walk here Webb is in trouble.... Ball 3... Ball 12 and he's walked the bases loaded.

Why are the young kids the only ones who can take a walk these days?

Meeting at the mound with Webb and you HAVE to be looking first pitch fastball. (I am such a Hypocrite).

He got the fastball but then a few more balls. I would love to see a walk RBI here.

A CHOPPING INFIELD SINGLE IS JUST AS GOOD!!!

Cubs 1 - Dbags1

Zambrano is up and he is swinging. Now down 0-2. Can i put in a bet that he Strikes out? Does Vegas do that? Suck Balls - he Ks... Add 2 more RLISP.

-- bottom of 6 --

Zambrano is pissed again. He's just throwing it up there. HARD - but wild. He recovers and gets the K!

Now that stupid little detective is up, still waiting for signs of his playoff beard ... And he gets a hit! I gotta stop making fun of him!

Hopefully he's not fast. A pop out and now Clark is up with 2 outs.

Tony Clark DOES look every minute his age. Wow. Kirk - let him borrow your anti-aging cream - unless it's got HGH in it...

C'mon Carlos. focus. It's Tony Clark. He's 35!!!

A tricky grounder and Derosa does a Peter Pan hop-throw but Clark is slower than a one-legged sausage race so he is out.

--- 7th ---

Now this is the Cubs' inning!

Webb is still in. I'd leave him in against Soriano too.

Yup - ground out to the pitcher.

I think they're going to get to him here though.

Jones is up... Rips it to Clark - again, right at the fielder.

Here's D-Lee...

Zambrano isn't pitcing the 8th. Makes sense - he's pitching in 3 days - I don't trust Hill either.

Derrek - if you're going to strike out on a wild pitch - at least run to first. Somewhere Ron Santo is yelling.

--- bottom of 7th ---

Carlos "Dempster's Little Helper" Mormol is in. Seriously - do you stay with Dempster the whole playoffs if he blows it?

A zesty first strike.

This guy reminds me of Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams a little - without the dirt stains on his pants.

And now he is acting like Williams. HR. SUCK BALLS!

Dbags 2- Cubs 1

Marmol strikes out Salazar. durty. 1 out.

Walk. Dempster breathes a sigh of relief. 1 on.

Double by Ojeda - no runs though. runners on 2nd and 3rd.

CRAP. Long fly ball. Too long - this is a run. COCK MOOSE DICK!!

Dbags 3- Cubs 1

These Dbags are sneaky hitters. That's the inning but the damage is done.

---- top of the 8th ---

Here we GOOOOOOOO

I really wish D-LEE woulda ran out that strike out and then Ramirez would have got to face Webb one more time.

Instead he hits a really far out.

How did that NOT go out of the stadium? He hit that right on the meat of the bat. At least it looked that way.

Cliff also blasts one but SURPRISE! Salazar is there in right field.

Grounder to third and a good throw gets DeRosa. End of inning.

--- bottom of the 8th ---

Baby-Faced Drew is up again...

Howry's on the mound. Nifty Strike out.

Byrnes is up and waves at a high fastball.... Swings through another right down the middle. Strike 3 - 2 down.

Does Tony Clark wear mascara? I think he does. Howry somehow throws one too high to Clark and gets a Ball called then Clark pops it up all the way to the warning track.

Is it just me - and it probably is - but the cubs have looked like they crushed a few but they didn't come close to going out. However, everything the Dbags get any wood on goes sailing...

It's probably just me...

--- top of the ninth ---

This is ok - the bottom of the lineup has been getting the RBI all year.

Smashed that one! Nope. Can-of-Corn. See?!?

Apparently the Ump has a place to go as he called one up around Theriot's eyes a strike. 0-2 now...

apparently you can get to Valverde if you make him throw strikes. Too bad the Cubs won't let him.

What was that red thing? A little Bilichiking by the Cubs? What the heck was that? A round Cubs sign that flashed red neon was being held up by a guy behind homeplate. Weird.

Just saw a typical Dbacks fan - a fat old blond lady with a straw cowboy hat and a feather on it is looking hopeful. Or maybe she's trying to remember the name of at least 2 of the Dbags players... we'll never know. Strike 3.

2 outs. Floyd up...

Slowly it's 2 balls - no strikes. Valverde is not a quick worker...

Low - Ball 3. What's this? The Cubs are being patient?!?

Soriano up next. Believe me - he is chomping for a chance to face someone besides Webb.

3-1... Don't Swing Cliff!! Don't Swing!!! YES!! Easily Outside...

Take your base Mr. Floyd. Tying run - come on up...

Yikes. That was right down the middle. Strike 1.

NOW Soriano decides to swing. At a ball. That was low. Foul. 0-2.

Fooled him! He threw a changeup and Soriano waved at it with no power - grounding easily to SS. Game Over.

Ok Ted Lilly - Come On Down!!!

See you Tomorrow...

Essentially that's what they paid to get this shot of sweet Lou tipping back the playoff soda. Not to mention the other $296 Million they committed over the next 8 years.

So Cub Fans? Was it worth it? I say every cent. Milwaukee spent nothing compared to Chicago and finished just a couple games lower but are golfing with the Royals right now ... Thanks Mr. Attanasio. No playoffs but hey, you got to see some great sausage races this year.

Check out this video of the Red Sox rookie hazings. Is it just me or do hazings kinda suck these days? No chugging jagr out of Manny's cleat, no hair-removal apparatus, nothing even involving Schilling's bloody sock. This stuff looks pretty lame to me - though Dice-K as a teletubby is hilarious.

Ryan Dempster officially dons the Target-sponsored threads after tonight's heart-stopper against the Cardinals.

After Cliff Floyd bestowed a 4-run lead on the Cubbies with his 9th-inning jack, Dempster gives up 2 quick homers and the Redbirds load the bases before Cub-closer-hopeful Bob Howry ended the game.

It only took 4 minutes of postgame show to pop the question. Is Dempster done?

8 straight saves up till Sept. 2. Since then?

6 appearances. 8 earned runs. 1 save. Yikes.

Steve Bartman - much maligned fan of the Cubbies - was at the Houston game last night and in prime position to cue another Chicago meltdown.

But Instead of snatching Luke Scott's leadoff homerun ball out of the air before it fell into Jacque Jones glove and unwittingly sparking a Houston rally against a mentally fragile Cub's bullpen, ultimately leading to a loss and toppling the Northsiders from their division lead in the process ... HE REPENTS!!!

As the ball arcs out of the field of play and into the bleachers, resisting every urge to reach out and grab for it, Bartman apparently tickles the Houston fan sitting next to him. BARTMAN TICKLES HIM. How else can you explain the Houston fan - who is poised to pull a Jeffrey Maher and steal his team a home run - pulling his arms back like a scared child and squealing like a girl in middle school?

If a home run ball - your team's home run ball - is coming at you in the bottom of the ninth - YOU DO NOT RECOIL IN HORROR AND FEAR. You go for it. That's how I know the man lurking behind the Houston fan, making sure he could not interfere with destiny - was Steve. Who else could it be? And that's how I know he has seen the light and repented in the only way he could. Check the video evidence (screengrabbed for your convenience) - you'll see it too.

Amen Steve.

They also pick up BA Baracus, the KGB, Swiss Guard, G.I. Joe, Rambo and Scotland Yard to patrol home plate. Not theirs but Chicago's.

So far it has worked as the Cubs are 2-8 in close, late-inning games while both Milwaukee and St. Louis have substantial winning records in the same situation.

This startling strategy was most apparent last night when the Cubbies left fifteen men on base over 11 innings in a 5-4 loss - not getting any runners past the stalwartly defended plate after the fifth inning.