Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin!

My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick me!



I don't know, Alex - 5 to 10 kids? I guess if it means having that lovely jacuzzi, then it's all worth it... more...

So apparently the good ole commish recommended a code of fan conduct back in April at league meetings, and the policy was just approved by the NFL today.

Yet again proving that NFL really does stand for "No Fun League", Goodell and his minions will now be banishing fans from their teams' stadiums for life if they are caught exhibiting, among others, any of the following behaviors:

Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal

Drunkenness and signs of alcohol impairment that result in irresponsible behavior

Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures

Verbal or physical harassment of fans from the opposing team

Goodell's justification for this policy is that he is "committed to improving the fan experience in every way [he] can," but I'm pretty sure he's a little confused. Rog, have you ever BEEN to a football game? These are the things that make them FUN. You eff-tard.

I have to admit that until tonight I didn't even realize how close we are to the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics, but now I'm really getting excited. Since the whole idea of the Games is for everyone in the world to put their differences aside and play nice for a little while, I figured I'd also put aside the Biotching for a minute and show just a teensy-weensy bit of respect. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Here's what I'm excited about in Beijing.

THESE CHICKS.

Number of babies I've had: 0. Number of Olympic Games I've ever had even the slightest chance of qualifying for: um...0.

Click below to read more...

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina?

Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of you. You're finally starting to realize what it will take to get sports fans to actually watch women's basketball...or at least get you almost FIVE minutes (!!!) of air time on SportsCenter. Yeehaw.



But don't let this be the end of it! We need to keep this momentum going in order to keep the public eye focused on women's basketball. My expert advice? Use the keys to success that the male athletes and ladies in other sports have been using for years to keep fans tuned in. A few ideas:

CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS

I'm thinking Diana Taurasi...Nick Lachey...in Cabo...right before playoffs (the WNBA has those, right?) Maybe a teammate crying about it during a press conference soon afterward....

Click link for more

Real? Not real? Either way, it's awesome.

Yeah, you heard me. I'll even write those evil words that will send me straight to football fan hell: I DON'T LIKE BRETT FAVRE.

No, I'm not retarded. (Thanks for asking.) I realize the man's an amazing football player, will forever be an NFL legend, and blahblahblah. But you know, for a bunch of "real men", you Favre fans sure do get awfully girly and sappy every time he retires, and that's annoying as hell.

"Oh, they took down his nameplate...waaaaaah!" Boo-f**kin-hoo. Can we please stop using up valuable ESPN airtime for your crying? (I mean, just play the D-Wade T-Mobile commercials, instead - he's funny AND nice to look at.)

But the Biotch hasn't come out of retirement (hypocritical, but whatever) just to talk about you Favre fans being a bunch of sissies. I'm back to celebrate his kinda, sorta official gone-ness by explaining to you just why my man Aaron Rodgers isn't some guy who has to try to fill his shoes. He's better...

Click the link for my list.

So what was the first thing I saw in my Facebook newsfeed tonight? The reason that I now hope Chris Long gets drafted by the Raiders as punishment for being such a jackass.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge fan of Mrs. Clinton myself, but as someone who's every move is being watched in the weeks before the Draft, how can you be stupid enough to join a Facebook group called "Hillary Clinton: Stop Running for President and Make Me a Sandwich"?

Way to show some character, Chris. Hope we don't ever cross paths...or you'll be getting a KNUCKLE sandwich from the Biotch.

Apparently, for Marshawn, sex symbol Paris Hilton just can't compare to a small orange man. I guess that's just how we do in da Bay, mayne, yaddada?

Dear Beane-face,

No more Swish? Like, seriously? Billy, you stupid piece of over-hyped crap, say it ain't so...

In honor of the Bay Area's fallen hero, the latest literary talent to emerge from the bastion of learning that is the University of California, Berkeley, here is ee cummings' poem "Buffalo Bill's / defunct"...in the style of Marshawn Lynch:

There are varying opinions on this whole Sean Taylor thing, but I think all of can agree that no matter how you look at it, it's sad. It's not something you make tasteless jokes about. With Leather and others have all put joking aside when it comes to a young father's death. But these guys haven't. I'm not saying to do it, but if anyone knows how to make this site crash and never come back again or something, I wouldn't complain if you did.

Never, EVER have I wanted to scream "grow up" at a 60-year-old man more than I do today.

I'm sure that by now everyone has had a chance to see Eugene "Mercury" Morris's recent interview, where he eloquently articulates his sophisticated, unbiased thoughts on the undefeated 2007 New England Patriots...

Now hear me biotch about it.

Apparently, Dennis Rodman is considering a gig as a WNBA coach.

I think this would make the ladies pretty uncomfortable. No, it's not because he'd be a man in a women's locker room, but because he would be more feminine than the vast majority of the players on his team.



Besides, I don't think they allow WNBA coaches to wear feather boas or wedding dresses on the sidelines...do they? more...

While the white athlete is a dying breed, there are still plenty of talented melanin-challenged players to be found in professional sports. What the male caucasoids seem to be lacking, however, is the ability to do a celebratory dance that doesn't make them look like they should be in the Special Olympics. Need evidence? Look no further... more...

Does this have anything to do with sports? Not really. Is it awesome? Yes.