Big day in the sports world yesterday, people. Forbes Magazine has released their annual list of the most valuable NFL franchises (actually they released it like two weeks ago, but Yahoo just published it so we actually read it) and once again the single most valuable team in the NFL is the Dallas Cowboys.
The Cowboys check in at a healthy $1.6 billion, confirming that Jerry Jones has put together quite the little empire.
Most people probably just assume that the Cowboys inflated value is rooted in their tradition, the legacy of success, the cheerleaders, etc. They're "America's Team" right? We're certainly not discounting those factors, but we dug a little deeper into the company's financial statements to look for some other areas that are at least partially responsible for the gap between Dallas and the other NFL franchises.
What we found was a savvy mixture of atypical revenue producers and savings generators that we can only assume are straight from the mind of Mr. Jones. If you're an NFL owner, it might be wise to print this out and start implementing asap...
Revenue Producers
$475,000 - Appearance fee for Jerry Jones' role as Supreme Chancellor Palpatine in Revenge of the Sith
$27,987 - Profit from one Tony Romo jersey sold to Jessica Simpson who was told by team officials that she was paying retail price. She didn't bat an eye.
$9,240 - Cover charges the team is requiring ESPN's Ed Werder to pay in order to gain access into Flozell Adams' legendary postgame parties.
$123,239 - Sales from official Tony Romo jerseys in Philadelphia and New York markets, solely so that the buyer can replace the "R" in Romo with an "H", tie it to a stick and abuse it during the game.
$11,212 - Fines levied against Pac Man Jones as a result of repeated requests for an advance on his per diem travel money to pay down a running tab at the Shelf Booty Gentlemen's Club.
$103,750 - Revenue generated by Terrell Owens buying his own jerseys to improve his league-wide sales stats.
Savings Generators
$267,212 - savings to date on team hair care products since Jimmy Johnson was relieved of duties as head coach in 1993.
$175,000 - Savings obtained by cutting ties with team security personnel and turning all related responsibilities to Tank Johnson, who was willing to work for free.
$12,350 - Amount dropped from the 2006 team budget that was previously allocated to official NFL-sponsored Reebok man bras for Bill Parcells
$230,000 - Legal fees saved as a result of team policy to padlock Pac Man Jones inside his hotel room during road trips.
$55,100 - Discounts from Sam's Club when the team chef orders Twinkies in bulk for coach Wade Phillips
___
That's $1.49 million right there. Sure when we're talking about a $1.6 billion franchise, it may not be much in the grand scheme of things, but you can tell just by this small sampling the type of organization we're dealing with here.
Our beloved Cardinals were *officially* eliminated from the 2008 Major League Baseball Playoffs yesterday. This marks the end. We're going to miss baseball. Baseball fans are nutty - especially around this area. Playoff baseball fans are exponentially better because of the added intensity and drop in temperature - both recipes for an increase in alcohol consumption.
This morning's ceremonial first bratwurst goes to Mr. Baseball Face Painter - who always brings the heat to any tailgate.
Yea, he's a little creepy. Okay, he's a lot creepy. But, he reminds us of summer, and a time when our weekend excitement didn't depend on the Rams. We're hoping this clown makes a stop out to a football tailgate or two during the baseball off-season to help get us through the dreary St. Louis winter. We need him.
The 25th Day of September
1911: Ground is broken for Fenway Park. While settling the foundation, workers stumble on the mysteriously frozen body of what would later be known as a thawed Ted Williams.
1933: Yesterday we celebrated Hubie Brooks' birthday and today we acknowledge Hubie Brown. Both with the same first name and similar last name, both with the same birth-week and both with the same jheri curl. God, that thing had a lot of life.
1975: Matt Hasselbeck cried seconds after leaving the womb when mother and father ever so gently passed him across the room in quick-hitting five and seven yard slants.
Drew Rosenhaus - Special Guest, Professional Super Agent, Self-Absorbed Prick - thinking of clients Terrell Owens, Plaxico Burress, and Marion Barber draped in spandex and feeding him grapes.
Okay, it's not exactly an "old friend", it's more like a friend from two weeks ago. Just a reminder to those interested that JoeSportsFan.com is a sponsor for the Cottleville-Weldon Spring Jaycees 2nd Annual Washer Tournament. Buy in is $40 and the money goes to the Fisher House, which provides free housing for military families in time of need.
Even if you don't play and don't live in the St. Louis area, you can still make any donation of your choosing. Make checks payable to Cottleville-Weldon Spring Jaycees @ CWS Jaycees P.O. Box 171 Cottleville MO 63338.
For more info, click here.
The following headline leads us to believe ...
a) being a gunslinger is no longer vogue
b) very few 24 hour diners serve the wonderful mixture of eggs, cheese, onions hashbrowns, hamburger and chilli as a result of rising food costs.
c) the players of today don't flop their weiner on teammates and media in the locker room like Charles Haley once did.
d) the CBS Sportsline photography team saw Matt Hasselbeck ... and he shrank. Happy Birthday indeed.
Behind the Numbers - Forbes Magazine recently released its annual review of the most valuable franchises in the NFL and the Dallas Cowboys top the list. We look into some of their groundbreaking strategies to maximize revenue, increase savings and ultimately pad the bottom line.
JSF Investigates a mysterious advertisement depicting a young Olympian on a balance beam in the middle of a cornfield. Yeah, it's as bizarre as it sounds.
As discussed in this morning's Tailgate, we're adding a new weekly feature to JoeSportsFan, "The Sports Hernia Presents...". See, because the name of their site is The Sports Hernia and they're presenting one of their posts on these here pages.
After extensive research and months of soliciting on Eharmony, JoeSportsFan and The Sports Hernia realized they were a perfect match, so we've developed a relationship. Now you can find one weekly JSF feature on the Sports Hernia pages, and vice versa. What we're trying to say is that if you're not spending your time here, spend it wisely. Spend it at The Sports Hernia. Their our cyber homeboys - and they want to be friends with you too.
The outrageous antics of Boo Weekley were quite refreshing, but they weren't the first shenanigans to take place on a golf course. Here's a look at some of our favorites:
- John Daly fills up his golf bag with beer and promptly chugs it after sinking a 4-inch putt.
- During his later years, Chi Chi Rodriguez replaces golf club with dong for his cherished swordsman routine.
- David Duval botches his 72nd straight putt, forcing him to put himself in a vicious Piper sleeper hold and passes out on the 16th hole.
- Chris Berman and Phil Mickelson have a little too much drink at a celebrity golf tournament, inspiring their ill-fated wet tshirt contest, with Berman's tits getting booed mercilessly.
- Down 15 strokes at Sawgrass, Fred Couples arrogantly wears outfit made up entirely of $100 bills and proceeds to light himself on fire before jumping into the lake at 17.
- A classic golfing faux pas occurs when Sergio Garcia pulls a giant dildo out of his bag instead of his putter, bizarrely causing everyone to pull dildos out of their own bags and begin jousting with them.
- Up by 22 strokes, Jack Nicklaus finishes the back nine dressed as Giant Panther.
Sports Illustrated is currently running a photo of Olympic gold-medalist, Shawn Johnson, which seemingly highlights her Iowa roots.
If you're anything like me, you may be wondering...what's creepier than featuring a 16 year old girl tip-toeing across a balance beam above dead corn stalks?
Well - here's your answer. Take focus to the bottom left-hand corner of the photo and notice the ominous hand emerging from below. No, that's not photoshopped...and yea, it's more than a little strange.
We couldn't help but wonder...whose hand is it? Who would have the motive? We observe the possibilities...
Bela Karoyli - Former United States Gymnastics Coach, Recent YouTube celebrity
No harm or ill-intent coming from Bela. Bela feverishly deems it necessary to give his girls a spot whenever they get up on that bar, even if it's just a photoshoot. Truth be told, he's probably just hiding from Bob Costas.
He Kexin - Chinese gymnast
Looking for dropped passport which reveals she's actually 9 years old.
Valeri Luikin - Father and Coach of Gold Medalist, Nastia Liukin
Still angry about his daughter taking silver to Johnson on the balance beam in China. Looking to grab ankles on the dismount.
Tim Daggett - Former Olympic gold-medalist, current NBC Gymnastic Commentator
Due to legal constraints, Tim isn't allowed within 150 feet of the balance beam during competitive matches. As Tim will gladly tell you, this is *not* an official competition, and he can take his camera with a telescopic lens where ever he pleases.
Ray Kinsella - "Field of Dreams"
Stumbled upon the gymnastic apparatus after his daily marijuana-induced stroll through the cornfield looking for Ray Liotta, and "that black guy that sounds like Darth Vader".
For whatever reason, football analysts more than any other subset of media folk love to state the obvious. Whether the obvious statement is due to the analyst's perceived lack of intelligence of the viewing audience or due to said announcer's actual intelligence level remains to be seen. Week 3 provided us with two examples of an obvious description, courtesy of Fox's Matt Vasgersian and NBC's John Madden (obvious JSF statement: you're not surprised Madden was responsible.)
For Vasgersian, his play-by-play of Julian Peterson's sack, forced fumble and fumble recovery led to his announcement that Peterson just completed the trifecta. That in and of itself was fine; but then Vasgersian felt compelled to explain what he meant by the trifecta. The TV replay surely couldn't explain it through moving pictures, and we had never watched a football game prior to Sunday, so his description of Peterson's trifecta followed a smooth, step-by-step explanation.
A few hours later at Lambeau Field, John Madden analyzed Adam Jones' forced fumble and fumble recovery off Ryan Grant as a "two-for", 'Ya know, because he forced the fumble and he recovered the fumble.'
Last and never least, Chris Berman narrated highlights of the Vikings' Antoine Winfield sacking Jake Delhomme, forcing and recovering a fumble, and running it in for a touchdown. It was football's version of the 3-point play.
And there we were, watching from the couch engulfed with knowledge. Feeling stronger with our every breath that we too could put this complex lesson into practice. With nothing left to do, we picked up the remote, turned off the television and walked out of the room.
Ask your fellow football fan what player John Madden man-loves the most and odds are you'll get the standard F***e answer. After watching Sunday night's game from Lambeau Field, we - and John Madden - have something to say about that. That being the Cowboys tight end.
Yes, after sitting through one quarter of the second half, we came to the unanimous conclusion that if given the chance, Madden would direct, distribute and write an adult video featuring Jason Witten.
The evidence:
"You know he's special."
The type of special player and special person that kindles that special kind of romance.
"That's when I knew he was my guy."
A big, athletic football player running without a helmet on can sweep anyone off their feet, John.
"He does everything that a tight end has ever done."
He shakes his end and has that cute little twinkle in his eye while twisting, doesn't he?
"If I had to choose, I'd take Jason Witten and say 'you come with me and we'll go play. You name the game."
Any game? Any game at all.
"This guy does it all from every position."
Interesting.
Warning: St. Louis Homer Rant Forthcoming (skip down about 800 words if you choose to avoid)
It seems like every year, we are forced to set aside a little chunk of the Media Circus around this time to mock a ridiculous argument for someone other than Albert Pujols to win the National League MVP. Three years ago, it was Harold Reynolds' ill-informed diatribe about Andruw Jones. Two years ago, it was Michael Wilbon and his misconceptions about of clutch hitting prowess of Carlos Beltran.
After a hiatus in 2007, we're back in action again thanks to Fox Sports' Mark Kriegel and his ridiculous suggestion that Manny Ramirez -- he of two months in the National League -- deserves to be the NL MVP. Take it away, Mark...
No one has done as much for a single team this season as Manny Ramirez has done for Los Angeles.
Let's try this again... "No one has done as much for a single team in the last two months of this season as Manny Ramirez has done for Los Angeles." Better.
Not only has he transformed the Dodgers, he's changed the balance of power in the National League.
Indeed he has. Now instead of the Diamondbacks, it will be the Dodgers assuming the role of worst team in the NL to make the playoffs.
Conventional wisdom says the league's most valuable player is Albert Pujols, who is hitting .354 with 34 homers and 104 RBIs. The MVP ballot's first two criteria are, first, "actual value of a player to his team" and second, "number of games played." To be sure, then, a first-place vote for Pujols is not a ballot miscast. But the Cardinals are a fourth-place team in the Central Division.
And if the Dodgers were in the Central Division? They'd be...a fourth place team. Even with Manny.
Now, Ramirez's "actual value" far exceeds "number of games played." The Dodgers were 54-54 the day he arrived, but seemed worse off than that...Then came Manny, who made everybody forget that vast fortunes had been spent on (Andruw) Jones and Jason Schmidt. The Dodgers were hitting .256 that day. According to Stats Inc., they've been hitting .285 ever since. As of Friday morning, they are 80-73, in sole possession of first place, and a lock for the playoffs.
As of Tuesday they were 81-75, meaning that since Manny was acquired, they have gone 27-21, a decent stretch, but they aren't exactly leaving a trail of scorched earth behind them as they climb the standings.
As for the prospective MVP himself, he's batting .400 with 44 RBIs in as many games. He has six game-winning hits. His slugging percentage is .738. His on-base percentage is .485. Even when he has a bad day, as he did Thursday, he walks a couple of times.
Ramirez was acquired on 7/31. Since that glorious day in which the sky opened and God sent his dreadlocked baseball savant to LA, Manny's stats look like this:
Meanwhile, the guy who has been carrying the Cardinals for the better part of the decade was doing his all to drag a marginally talented team into the thick of the Wild Card race. His line from 7/31 on:
Slight advantage goes to Manny across the board. Not surprising since he's been white hot since he forced his way out of Boston by essentially being a dickhead. But here's how they both fared before the trade:
Manny -- he played in the freaking American League
Basically what we're saying is -- why would you vote for a player whose been hot for two months, when his counterpart has been hot the entire season? Unless he was working Joe Torre's bunch like a ventriloquist from 3,000 miles away for the first four months, it's only possible for Manny to have had an impact on 33% of the games played by the Dodgers this season. Pujols has played in 91% of the Cardinals games.
As of Tuesday, the two teams had records separated by one game.
Albert Pujols is not the reason the Cardinals are going to miss the postseason. Albert Pujols is the reason the Cardinals ever had a chance at the postseason to begin with. He is the MVP...again.
Finally, there's this: Dodger home attendance has gone from an average of 44,577 to 48,494, a 9 percent increase since Ramirez arrived.
Well, Mark, you should have led off your argument with this stat. Had we known that the goal was to motivate Los Angelesians to come to the ole' ballpark we would have conceded right away.
At least we aren't alone in our contention that Pujols deserves the award. From Jonah Keri of ESPN.com...
Pujols leads the majors in a slew of categories, from slugging average and OPS to more advanced stats like Value Over Replacement Player and Runs Created. He's one of the best baserunners and defenders in the league at his position. There is no good statistical argument that could possibly favor any other player in the league as more valuable this season.
Cyber fist bump, Jonah.
Steve Tasker is like Rick Reilly with a microphone
CBS analyst Steve Tasker sat alongside Gus Johnson Sunday in Atlanta for the Falcons and Chiefs game. During Michael Turner's touchdown barrage, he proved he might be a fan of the WorldWide Leader's top producer of similies.
Michael Turner is ...
"... like a bowling ball with spikes."
"... like a bowling ball going down a set of steps."
"... all elbows and all knees."
"You'll belly-laugh"
Okay, so the last one wasn't a literary device at all, but the terms "belly-laugh" to describe the experience of watching "Worst Week" makes us laugh. All told, we enjoyed our Steve Tasker/Gus Johnson experience. If we get stuck watching another crappy game on CBS, they'll make it bearable.
Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
Gus Johnson knows a good snapper. He's got the intensity, the wit and he's got the volume level to sell it. God does he have the volume. And being a TV guy, he shares Bob's passion for taking a visual and making sure the listener will never forget it. When Ozzie Smith made a diving catch back in the 80's, you better believe the old Carpster was there with a "Yellowbrick Road" snapper. When Gus Johnson saw Falcons wide receiver Roddy White do a backflip in the endzone after a TD catch, he was taking advantage...
"They're flipping out over ( Matt Ryan), in Atlanta."
Happy humpday everyone. We hope you find your Lucky Charms comforting and delicious. Since you seem to be enjoying it, we're going to take the first bratwurst off the grill and let Wally Joyner scarf it down. No worries; we've got an unlimited supply if you want some later.
Joyner officially ended his reign as Padres hitting coachTuesday on his own accord. Sayeth Wally:
"It bothers me a lot that I have come to the point where it is clear that I need to move on. I came to the job hoping to put my experience and ideas to good use in teaching and coaching the Padres' hitters, but it has become obvious to me in the past few months that the organization's approach is different from mine."
We think what Wally is trying to say is that teaching people like Scott Hairston, Chase Headley, Nick Hundley and Tad Iguchi to hit in a super-spacious ballpark is a daunting task unlikely to end well.
As countless head coaches and front office personnel have proven in the MLB and NFL, it's difficult to step down and leave money and pride on the table. Knowing when to say when is one thing, but actually doing it is another.
So we say to you, Wally, enjoy your Johnsonville brat. Kudos for having the stones to leave a lose-lose situation for the good of yourself and the Padres. If nothing else, you can take comfort knowing you're the greatest player named "Wally" of the past quarter century.
The 24th Day of September
1956- Hubie Brooks entered the world destined to be one of the best jheri curled third basemen in Canadian baseball history
1988 - American gymnast Lisa Wang was born. We're not sure what she competed in but if she would have made the 2008 United States Olympics team, fallen in love with a certain American sprinter and gotten married, she would now be Lisa Gay-Wang. We're childish enough to be amused by that.
2008- The NBA Developmental League's two expansion teams, the Erie BayHawks and the Reno Bighorns take part in an expansion draft. It must really make you feel like crap when you find out that not even an NBDL team is making an effort to keep you.
Jesse Palmer- NY Giants and Former "Bachelor", thinking about that young stallion at Abercrombie and Fitch who gladly tried on that seasonal cashmere v-neck sweater upon request.
The Clubber Lang All-Stars - July 19, 2007
Rarely does a sports movie come without at least one name that makes you think for a split second "dude, if I name my son that, he'll totally dominate in gym class"...
"If you're playing a pick up game and you find out the guy who just buckled your knees with a crossover is named "Steve" you go home feeling like a bum. But if his name is "Jesus Shuttlesworth", well then you just got whipped by Jesus and that's not so bad.
IF THE SPORTS WORLD WAS PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING
By now, you've likely heard the news that Lions vice chairman William Ford, Jr. thinks Matt Millen should leave the Lions. It's too bad for Jr. that a creative team can't script reality like the WWE. If it could, you'd probably see the following transpire ...
William Clay Ford Sr. holds a press conference to announce he's sticking with Matt Millen. Even though it might cause a rift between father and son, Sr. acknowledges he wants to see the season through with the guys already on board; if he needs to, he'll make changes at the end of the season.
Just before the press briefing ends, William Ford Jr. interrupts. He reveals he drugged his father during a financial meeting and used his dad's unconscious hand to pen dad's signature on a document which gave full ownership of the Lions to him, William Ford Jr.
As a result, what Junior wants, Junior gets. He publicly fires Matt Millen in humiliating fashion and pushes his father off the stage and walks off set. For reasons never clearly revealed, Junior returns seconds later with former Lions coach Wayne Fontes. The two of them unwrap the moving contents of a burlap sack and reveal a huge Python. They then place the snake on Sr. to the horror of those in attendance.
Hall of Fame third baseman, Wade Boggs, wants you to know that you're literally one call away from replacing that bald and barren dome with a thick and lustrous head of hair.
At the very least, Medical Hair Restoration will gladly trade your dingy, pastel-colored, Polo shirt for a 100% faux leather jacket and slap you on a nationally-syndicated advertisement that resembles an episode of "Love Connection".
The Media Circus- You probably woke up this morning that thought to yourself, "I bet if John Madden wanted to make a porno with one NFL player, it would be Brett Favre". Not so fast, man. It looks like there is a certain Dallas Cowboy that has caught his eye recently.
The Sports Hernia Presents...- The debut of a new regular weekly feature in which we highlight a carefully selected post from JSF cyber homeboys, The Sports Hernia. Expect ample references to Nintendo Wrestling characters and Chi-Chi Rodriguez's dong.
The Jets/Chargers contest had fireworks galore in a 48-29 slaughtering that was over before the 2nd quarter ended. It's not all bad for the Jets, though, because they clearly and completely comprhended national media cries to "OPEN UP THE PLAYBOOK" and "LET HIM AIR IT OUT!"
The Chargers forced four turnovers, two of which where slinged by Our Favre. Antonio Cromartie had two interceptions and a touchdown and San Diego tallied three sacks in an all-out hiney-whooping. Seeing as the MNF crew revealed that Philip Rivers grew up idolizing Favre, the Chargers sour QB flattered through imitation with an interception that was returned for a touchdown on his first pass attempt. He nearly threw a pick on his second pass attempt too, before completing 19 of his next 23 passes for 250 yards and three touchdowns.
Tony Favre-Heiser announces new meaningless record
The Jets QB threw two touchdowns from inside the five yardline, which prompted Favreheiser to announce that Favre is the all time record holder in touchdowns from inside the five yardline. Really? You mean to tell me that some stat junky working for the NFL actually researched that?
Really? You mean to tell me that the all time leader in touchdown passes is also the all time leader in touchdown passes from inside the five yardline? REALLY? I'll bet he's the all time leader in TD passes thrown from inside the seven yardline, too! And maybe even 11 yardline? Perhaps? Somebody, dig it up and figure it out; we demand answers.
By the way, Favre has never won a game in which his team trailed by more than 14 points. Our cyber-friends over at Cold Hard Football Facts have an excellent take on that and other factual nuggets, such as:
BrettFavre is 160-94 (.630) in the regular season over the course of his career. But in games in which he throws the ball 40 or more times, he's a pathetic 26-43. BrettFavre is also 0-4 in the playoffs when asked to throw 40 or more times, or a combined record of 26-47 (.356) when asked to carry the load. In other words, nearly half of Favre's regular-season losses, yet just one-sixth of his victories, came when he was asked to carry the load. To put Favre's numbers into perspective, consider that Tom Brady is 17-8 (.680) in games in which he passes 40 or more times (including 4-1 in the playoffs). The notion that BrettFavre carried the Packers all those years is, in stark, irrefutable terms, complete bullsh*t.
The guys at CHFF also have a full-length recap of ESPN's verbal fellatio during Monday Night Favreball, which we choose to defer to them for this week (we won the coin-toss and deferred), so get to clickin if you want in on it.
Rams choose aging, concussed quarterback over younger, scatter-brained passer
The Rams benched Marc Bulger for Week 4 at home against Buffalo in favor of Trent Green. In a move sure to send shockwaves throughout Scott Linehan's mind, the Rams may see a spark from a different leader in the huddle. That spark will be eradicated and smoldered, leaving the Rams for dead and Linehan permanently benched as head coach.
The 3-0 Bills are currently 8 point favorites at St. Louis. Honestly, if the Rams keep it within 14 or fewer points, I'll be surprised. The Rams crappy neighbor to the west, the 0-3 Kansas City Chiefs, host the 3-0 Denver Broncos, currently 9.5 point favorites. People, do yourself a favor and parlay a bet against the state of Missouri. If you don't have a gambling pimp or an online gambling account, go over to that Bet US ad and sign up. Your wallet will thank you come Sunday night. I swear, we didn't just make money for that ad shill.
Coming off a broken leg that prematurely ended his '07 season, Shockey revealed he's opting for sports hernia surgery and will be out 3-6 weeks. The Saints are already without Marques Colston, and tackle Jammal Brown, David Patten, Aaron Stecker and backup tight end Mark Campbell are all questionable for Sunday.
For Shockey, it marks the seventh time in as many seasons he hasn't played a full slate of 16 games.
That's probably due to the fact that he always looks like he smells of cigarettes and booze.
[Be sure to check out our new morning feature entitled "The Morning Tailgate" - posted daily in, well, the mornings.]
Our fan hunters did a little investigative journalism in Columbia, Missouri this past weekend when the Mizzou Tigers took down the University of Buffalo, 42-21.
Much like George Constanza's urge to combine the features of food, sex, and television during a single moment in time...we witnessed something this weekend that embodies three of our most-treasured past times: college football, drinking, and wiffle ball.
The Louisville Chugger - cutting the knob off the end of a wiffle ball bat, pouring a beer in the barrel, and chugging away. Brilliant.
Frankly, we had never heard of such an event - but apparently the *movement* is gaining steam across the land. We found this video evidence, which adds an extra element of spinning around post-chug, and trying to successfully hit a moving object.
Every Tailgate has a pecking order. At some point during the pre-game festivities, the grill is broken out, the bratwursts are piled on and by the time they're nice and juicy you've got several meatheads lined up with buns in hand waiting impatiently. But only one person can be in the prestigious position to accept the first one off the grill.
There's something to be said about that. Even if that person only gets to bite into his milliseconds before everyone else, those are some damn satisfying milliseconds.
To open up the Morning Tailgate every day on JSF, we will award our honorary First Bratwurst to whoever in the sports world deserves it....
The best part of watching Gary Sheffield get beat up is...watching Gary Sheffield get beat up. The guy has been amongst the biggest jerk-offs in Major League Baseball since he came into the league in 1988, then known mostly as the nephew of Doc Gooden.
Last Friday in Cleveland, he got drilled with a Fausto Carmona fastball, took exception and eventually got his nose bloodied in the fight he instigated. Naturally, Mr. Sheffield had his badass facade on afterwards...
"I saw the tape. I know who they are. And I guarantee you, they'll have to deal with me...If you take a cheap shot at me, I'll never forget it. I won't forget it until the day I die."
Chilling. Sort of like The Terminator only instead of man-hunting robot, it's coming from a 40-year old malcontent who is hitting .223.
Because he took full advantage of his opportunity to punch Gary Sheffield in the face - like so many baseball fans have dreamed of - we hand the First Bratwurst for September 23rd to Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona.
We have mustard if you'd like, Fausto.
This Day in History (September 23rd)
1943, 1958 - Marty Schottenheimer and Marvin Lewis were born. Ironically, the guy currently out of football has a better chance of coaching in the NFL next season - and the one currently in football has a better chance at visiting a former player in prison, according to 64% of our Mustache Nation poll. 1988 - Jose Canseco became baseball's first 40-40 man. It's unbelievable to think he was once the most highly coveted baseball card in neighborhoods across the country. Now he's a societal nutjob who wears panties on reality television programs.
2007 - the Bills were 0-3, having scored 24 points in three games compared to 2008's uber-fun 3-0 with 78 points. Almost as fun as having a player named "Roscoe".
2011 - EMTs responded to a complaint in Bristol, CT after Steve Phillips reported a 12 hour erection, which paramedics attributed to the celebration of Joba Chamberlain's 26th birthday.
Gratuitious Sports Anchor O-Face
Buck Showalter - Former Yankees manager, thinking of Chuck Knoblauch in compression shorts
Headliners Ball
The parenthesis is the definitive sign that a snappy headline has gone too far. It serves as
headliner code that this play on words is so ridiculous that you probably won't understand what the hell they're trying to say without a little wink. Of course, we're not sure which is worse - the horrible headline or the use of the word "dude" in the paragraph below it. We haven't seen as desperate an attempt to be hip since the last Pringles ad campaign.
Checking In With An Old Friend...
Hey everyone -
Remember me? I'm that dipshit, tank of a human-being that flaunts and flails his sweaty pits all over the end zone at Qwest Field in Seattle. My defining moment in history is endless amounts of television coverage due to my insanely unique and creative "Sea-Fence" sign - which I hold up at any point during the game. What does "Sea Fence" mean? Well, it's a combination of....well, I mean, you've seen the "D-Fence" signs, right? It's like that, only better...because we're in Seattle. Whatever, man. Take a look at these receiver gloves !!!! Bring it !!!
A Memo From Sea Fence, LLC
Later Today on JoeSportsFan
Fan of the Week - 'Tis the season. Saturday college madness. Week Three NFL action. A Brett Favre game on Monday night. All recipes for fun hunting success. It's going to come down to the wire today. Who will prevail? Check back later.JSF's Crystal Ball - In case you miss "Pardon the Interruption" this afternoon and aren't able to hear Mr. Kornheiser's take on the Jets/Chargers Monday Night game, we'll go ahead and tell you what happens ahead of schedule. Phrases such as "he was trying too hard", "interceptions come when you're pressing", "well, someone needs to make plays", and "that's just Brett trying to take over a game" will be stated. Oh, and something about learning a new playbook.
Rather than let this season go to waste, we decided that one way to celebrate the absolutely horrific St. Louis Rams was to put together a simple "diary" every Monday afternoon. That way we can share with our audience the trials and tribulations that come with being a fan of the worst team in football. It's pretty much the exact opposite of a Bill Simmons column.
What a treat for NFL fans in St. Louis on Sunday. Prior to the 3:00 start of the Rams-Seahawks game, CBS chose to air the Kansas City Chiefs taking on the Falcons in Altanta. It was our opportunity to gauge where the Rams stood in the battle to be the worst team in football.
Through two weeks, the Chiefs had an equally impressive resume in pursuit of the consensus 32nd spot in the league power rankings. In Week 2, they single-handedly saved Lane Kiffin's job for one more week, when they got smoked by the Oakland Raiders at Arrowhead.
Meanwhile 250 miles to the east, the Rams were winless and the architects of both the league's last ranked offense and defense. The total package.
The race to be the worst was on.
The Chiefs came out and dazzled early, notching zero first downs in the first quarter, daring the Rams to suck worse than them.
The Falcons took advantage and opened up a 24-0 lead. But just as the blowout seemed imminent, Herm Edwards' bunch closed out the first half with a Tyler Thigpen touchdown pass to Dwayne Bowe and then opened the second half with a lengthy drive culminating in a Larry Johnson TD run.
Two touchdowns in two consecutive drives threatened to undermine their claim as #32, but before they were accused of actually being competitive, the Chiefs offense went back into hibernation and ultimately fell 38-14 to improve to 0-3.
No doubt sensing the challenge, the Rams came out fired up to establish their rightful place as the worst of the worst. They went down 3-0 on the opening drive and then on their first offensive possession Marc Bulger was flattened, coughing up the ball in the process of being planted in the turf by Julian Peterson. Minutes later someone named Michael Bumpus caught a touchdown pass and just like that it was 10-0, Seahawks.
They were off to a rousing start.
Meanwhile, the Rams defense was summed up perfectly by a Julius Jones 30-yard run in which several Rams players literally had no idea where the running back was on the field (hint: he's that guy sprinting towards the endzone with a football in his hands):
The offense put the first quarter to bed with another three and out, tallying an impressive 14 total yards in the first 15 minutes. With 4 minutes left in the first half, on their 26th drive of the season, they finally made an appearance inside the 20-yard line of their opponent.
They could muster only a field goal.
Like the Chiefs, the Rams had a brief spurt in the beginning of the second half in which they looked somewhat competitive. A Dane Looker touchdown reception cut the lead to 27-13, but it was more symbolic than anything - symbolic of the fact that this is still a team which gives significant playing time to Dane Looker.
The Seahawks pulled away in the fourth with 10 more points for a 37-13 win. The Rams defense allowed a staggering 245 yards to a team featuring Julius Jones and TJ Duckett in the backfield.
Total scoring tally for the Rams season: 29-116
In the end, the Rams and the Chiefs both went on the road this week against mediocre teams, got drilled by 24 points and remain true threats to go 0-16. So who is worse?
Only one thing is for sure - the crappiest team in the NFL no doubt resides in Missouri.
Up Next: Scott Linehan takes one more step towards the unemployment line when he leads the Rams against the undefeated Buffalo Bills in St. Louis.
Greetings, kids. We're very excited to roll out the brand spanking new "Morning Tailgate" today. From here until eternity - or until this blog becomes self-aware - we'll be providing you with a daily mix of morning athletic entertainment. No link dumps or recaps. You can get that elsewhere. We'll do our best to keep our morning post fresh, original, and undoubtedly obscure.
Side Note: we're pretty sure when this blog does become self-aware, it's going to make us all grow mustaches.
This Day in History (September 22nd)
1927 - Tommy Lasorda was born. To the surprise of his doctors, Lasorda's umbilical chord tasted of fettucine.
1961 - The fastest white-colored player in RBI Baseball, Vince Coleman, entered the world.
2007 - The Tampa Bay Devil Rays were in last place at 63-92. Today the Tampa Bay Rays are 2.5 games in first at 92-62. The inverse of the Rays would be the Cleveland Indians, who were 91-63 a year ago today. They improved to 78-77 yesterday.
The Monday Football Column - see, because it's Monday and it's a column about football. To celebrate his vastly intelligent decision to name Gus Frerotte Vikings' starter for the rest of the season, Brad Childress dedicated much of his early play calling to what seemed to resemble a passing game. "Seemed" being the operative word.
Sundays From the Cellars - at least from the fan perspective, the Rams are improving each week. Week 1 saw a 35 point loss, Week 2 a 28 pointer and Week 3 a 24 pointer. At that rate, things will be on the up and up by Week 12.
Nothing on the Final Game at Yankee Stadium - "I refuse to talk about it," said Nothing.
Checking In With An Old Friend...
Unconfirmed Player Note: The head of security at Wrigley Field was reprimanded when it became evident that the old lady he escorted off the field before the game turned out to be Cubs pitcher Steve Trout.
Player: Steve Trout
Tags: 1986 topps, chicago cubs, sateen jacket, glasses, looks like a woman
The Worthless Card Collection
What They Should've Said
"I'm not making any guarantees. You can call it what it is. But in my mind, we're going to beat Seattle and we're going to right this ship" - Scott Linehan, before Sunday's game
Meant to Say...
"I'm not making any guarantees. But in my mind, we're going to stuggle to stay within three touchdowns of Seattle and confirm that this ship plowed into a giant iceberg a long time ago."
-----------------------
"You know, the amazing part about it is, I hear all these things about, 'This team is built to win the World Series.' Well, which team isn't built to win the World Series? All teams, when they are put together, are built to win the World Series. Some get a chance to, and some don't." - Lou Piniella, Cubs Manager
Meant to Say...
"All teams, when they are put together are built to win the World Series. Except for Pittsburgh. They're put together to get their ass kicked by everyone."
You've Got Mail
To: " Tiger Woods" [eltigre@billionaires.sports.net]
I just wanted to send you a quick note to make sure you got a chance to see the Ryder Cup this weekend. In case you were too busy "rehabbing" and missed it let me fill you in - we just smoked the Europeans and did it all without your pansy ass. We didn't have to watch as you milked your fake injury after every shot and we didn't have to listen to the media try to give you credit for everything.
And yeah, I know what you're thinking - Mickelson, you got destroyed by Justin Rose on Sunday - and that's true. But what you didn't see is the impact I had on Anthony Kim. I straight up mentored that kid the first two days. Without me, he doesn't beat Sergio and we probably don't win, so I'm pretty much responsible for the victory if you really think about it.
Azinger did nothing.
Which is exactly what you did. Nothing.
Give my regards to your wife. She's wanted me for years.
On Monday, we pointed out an interesting Associated Press nugget where they noted Cubs starter, Carlos Zambrano "woofing" a post-game quotable.
Mr. Zambrano started game one of the weekend Cubs/Cards game and was touched for 8 runs through the first two innings, and as the video below shows, Associated Press columnists aren't the only ones treating Zambrano like a dog.
Get back on that mound, Big Z. Good boy. Good boy.
Wednesday afternoon, JoeSportsFan.com's Matt Sebek and Patrick Imig spent an hour with Bernie Miklasz and Jay Randolph Jr. on the Bernie Miklasz Show on Team 1380 in St. Louis. We've managed to break down the conversation into five convenient segments for your listening pleasure, so have at it and get to clickin'.
Segment I: the business side of JoeSportsFan.com (5:05)
Discussions of how to make money with a Web site and how to start one up. You'll also catch the tail-end of a "preview" for a new segment debuting on JoeSportsFan this coming Monday morning. That was a teaser, people.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN
Segment II: the mainstream media vs. the bloggers (7:12)
It's always a fun and interesting discussion, even more when both parties are represented. Everyone in-studio agrees that Mike Lupica and Mitch Albom suck uncontrollably.
CLICK RIGHT HERE, JERKY
Segment III: JSF content: DeSean Jackson and the Fan of the Week (5:28)
The topic of DeSean Jackson's needed policy of abstinence and Mark McGwire stealing an Illinois man's woman make their way inside.
CLICK IT OR TICKET
Segment IV: the plight of the Rams (5:12)
The Rams flat out suck - worse than Lupica and Albom. We discuss the differing perspectives of the local and national media regarding Scott Linehan and the ridiculous practice of drafting players and changing their positions.
CLICK CLACK, I THINK YOU HEAR US COMING
Segment V: the plight of the Rams, continued (6:19)
While Scott Linehan has been villified, Jim Haslett has slipped a bit under the radar of criticism. Also, Caller Bob chimes in and defends Linehan, something that befuddles everyone with functioning ear drums. The segment of Rams bashing ends with a live-read brought to you by ... ... ... the St. Louis Rams. Awkward. Very.
Having caught just six balls for 95 yards and a touchdown through two games, Lions wide receiver Roy Williams isn't too sure about this whole "Calvin Johnson is way better than me" thing.
"I feel that if I'm not involved in the game and we lose, I'm (ticked) off. But if I'm not involved and we win, hey, it's a great job. And I've been like that since I've been here. I just feel like I can make some plays, as well. ... Three balls a week, that's not going to cut it."
"I don't know, man. It's like a bad year to be Roy Williams right now. I've got two pass interference (penalties) in two games that shouldn't be pass interference by no means. I mean, it's tough right now. But we'll get this thing straightened out."
Roy's never been one to make sense or think things through logically, but I'd have to agree that it's a bad year to be Roy Williams. Not only is the Lions receiver disgruntled, the Dallas safety is injured and out for a month. At least the basketball coach still has Tyler Hansbrough.
I digress, though. Calvin Johnson will end up with way bigger numbers than #11 at the end of the year because a) he's a much better player and b) he has a completely healthy back, unlike his rookie campaign.
As for Roy, this is the same man who doesn't tip the pizza delivery guy, the same guy who guaranteed the Lions would score 40 points a game in 2007, the same guy who said it wasn't even funny how close the Lions came to scoring 40 points in a game where they scored seven, the same man who blamed Jeff Garcia for blaming the Lions receivers in Garcia's one year trial in Detroit and the same man who said his son could run the West Coast offense better than Garcia.
Oh, and the year prior, Roy vowed the Lions would run the table and make the playoffs by finishing the season with a 9-0 winning streak, only to lose in Week 10, the second game of their "9 game stretch of perfection".
What I'm trying to say is, Roy Williams is the NFL's version of Manny Ramirez, sans the dreadlocks and HoF numbers.
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