NEW YORK — The New York Yankees confirmed today that they have sent a contract offer to lefty CC Sabathia, but that unfortunately the pitcher devoured the fax. “It’s no big deal,” said Yanks GM Brian Cashman.

“We’ll just send over a new offer. Apparently sometimes when CC gets excited, he just eats stuff. Last [...]

DALLAS, TXa?"Controversial Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was indicted yesterday by the Securities and Exchange Commission yesterday after it was revealed Cuban sold 600,000 shares in Mamma.com after learning privately that the company was about to have a stock offering, back in June of 2004, for a profit of $750,000. Cuban's lawyers insist, however, that a [...]

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Sunday’s post-game presser following the Philadelphia Eagles’ 13-13 tie was a shocking one in Philly, to be sure, with almost all of the action centered around quarterback Donovan McNabb.

First came the stunning admission by McNabb that he did not know that NFL games were legally allowed to end in ties. Then came [...]

PORTLAND, OR — Scientists at the University of Oregon made a startling discovery this week when they used state-of-the-art techniques to estimate the age of Blazers center Greg Oden.

“We have been able to determine that Oden is about 21 or 22,” said Dr. Denny Gupta of the University’s Medical Center. “21 or 22 thousand, that [...]

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ANN ARBOR, MI — Last week Brian Babbit, 36, was on top of the world. The avid fantasy sports participant won his 12-team fantasy baseball league, raking in a cool $240 in the process.

But one shopping trip by his wife Linda has Babbit furious.

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CLEVELAND, OH — Cleveland Browns left tackle Joe Thomas has taken some unusual steps to protect rookie quarterback Brady Quinn this preseason.

Thomas has been spotted carrying Quinn around in his mouth, throughout the locker room, to the practice field, and onto the team’s planes. He has built [...]

TAMPA BAY, FL — The Tampa Bay Lightning have reportedly fired head coach Barry Melrose after a 5-7-4 start in the coach’s second season, replacing him with Barry Melrose’s mullet.

“Barry Melrose has been a subpar coach for this team, and we felt it was time for a change,” said Bill Davidson, the owner of the [...]

SANTA CLARA, CA — Well, that didn’t take very long.

Former Oakland Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin is happy to announce that he’s landed a new job, just weeks after his summary dismissal from the Raiders.

“My title is assistand director of Human Resources for PetTech.net,” an ecstatic Kiffin told SSNN. “I start on Tuesday.”

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WASHINGTON, D.C.a?"Unsatisfied with Roger Goodell's latest decision concerning their future, the Miami Dolphins have filed an emergency petition with the United States Supreme Court, demanding that the current NFL season be ended immediately, so the Dolphins can finish with a winning record for the first time since 2003.

"This Court must move swiftly if it is [...]

WASHINGTON, DC — Even though Gilbert Arenas can no longer solely lay claim to the nickname “Black President,” he’s still found a way to benefit from the inauguration.

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Arenas, ever the entrepreneur, has put up an ad on Craigslist offering his house for rent during the week of Barack [...]

NEW YORK, NY — It’s taken a few days, but Mike D’Antoni finally was able to get on the phone with President-elect Barack Obama. All he had to say was two words — “Thank you!”

“Look, I owe Barack Obama an enormous debt of gratitude,” D’Antoni said. “He took one of the biggest problems that I [...]

ATLANTA, GA — Off to an amazing 6-1 start, the Atlanta Hawks were thrilled to see that they’ve moved up to the third spot in this week’s Atlanta basketball power rankings.

After the Hawks got out to a 6-0 start, they lost a 103-102 thriller to the Celtics Wednesday. Many felt that they would tumble in [...]

This is a special letter received by SSNN via tablet this morning.

Dear Readers of SSNN:

God here.

Just want to let you know that I indeed was responsible for the victory of the

FOXBORO, MAa€"Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago's Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and Jets quarterback Brett Favre will create the long sought-after ''Hyper-Douchebag Magnetic Pulse.''

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''Strictly speaking, an ordinary 'Douchebag Magnetic [...]

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Emergency medical staff and hospital personnel throughout the Bay Area are on high alert after news broke Tuesday that Tim Lincecum would be receiving the 2008 National League Cy Young Award.

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“Holy crap, you think I got bombed when I was out in NYC for All-Star [...]