Survivor Series happened last night. Cody Rhodes pinning Mason Ryan was the major news coming out of the show, near as I can tell. If anything else happened I’m sure it will get covered throughout this show.
We open with the fireworks. With all the money wasted on fireworks over the years Vince McMahon could afford to pay for three more Scott Hall rehab stints.
Cole just called Survivor Series “controversial.” I like Cody Rhodes, I don’t know what Cole is ******** about.
Booker T is here with Cole and Lawler. With this kind of talent you can see why Jim Ross can’t get on TV without pimping out his body.
Our new WWE Champion CM Punk is out, sadly without Finkel. Punk wanted to be a professional wrestler in first grade. Another child wanted to be Teen Wolf. Crowd obviously not aware of that brilliant MTV program. Punk did things his way, so his success is extra special. Calls himself “the new face of the WWE.” He’s going to use this power to go back to the ice cream bars. He’s also gonna get John Laurinitis fired, which brings out Authority Figure V162.4. John thinks they can be friends, since after all they both just want what is best for the WWE Universe. John congratulates Punk. Crowd responds with a fairly loud “you suck” chant directed at Laurinitis. If this is how I was treated I’d do heelish things too. Punk misses Vince McMahon because he was honest about who he was (an evil money grubbing souless bastard, apparently) while Laurinitis is “like Bill Lumberg from Office Space without the comedy.” All things consdiered, I’d rather work for the second guy. Punk points out that Laurinitis won’t get that reference because he’s out of touch. Mind you, Punk just referenced a movie that came out in 1998. Punk gets back on my good side by making fun of the WWE Universe nonsense. “They’re fans, they’re not a universe.” Punk’s gonna continue to not like Johnny Ace, is the point.
Laurinitis comes back by pointing out he’s upper management, which was a nice line. He can be just as wild as Punk without tattoos and piercings. He proves this by announcing that Alberto Del Rio will get his rematch next week on RAW. That will indeed be wild. Punk is also unimpressed, offering to have the match right now. “If you put yourself in the audience’s shoes you can never go wrong.” The audience apparently wants to see CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler. I’d like to see that as well, but not with Punk stomping Ziggler like I expect is going to happen. Punk calls that match stupid. OH. The point is that the audience wants to see Ziggler and Ryder. I was so very confused as to what the hell was going on there. Ryder is going to face Del Rio tonight. Punk and Ryder can’t beat Ziggler anyway, so this all seems sorta pointless. Punk stalks Laurinitis and makes vague threats to his person before his music hits, and that’s our opening segment.
They show the Rock agreeing with a random “We Want Ryder” chant last night. Ryder out as Booker T informs us that Ryder “is like Tim Tebow.” That’s a backhanded way to call somebody a virgin. Commercial time.
AHHHHHH!! Brett Favre!!!!
We come back to Ryder smiling like he’s trying to **** somebody. I can’t wait for Ryder to do something entertaining on television. It is gonna happen any day now. Ricardo brings out poor Alberto Del Rio. Feels like they have ****** Del Rio up beyond repair, at least in the eyes of the casual fan. Ryder steals the mic from Ricardo and Woo Woo Woo’s.
Zach Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio
Ryder’s hair color alone should disqualify him from this push he’s getting. I’m not going to tell you what is trending on twitter. You already know because that is the most important thing in the world. Nothing two minute match. Ryder gets the Woo Woo Woo Mick Foley Foot to the Face but Del Rio dodges a Ruff Ryder, hurls him arm first into the corner, his an enziguri and locks on the armbreaker for the submission. The announcers are still talking about the petition, which I thought was specifically for a match AT SURVIVOR SERIES. Thus the most powerful petition in the history of Eurasia was worthless. Thus you should stop talking about it. Because it makes me sad.
Del Rio won’t break the hold for a bit because he’s a sad panda.
I don’t understand what they can do with Ryder at this point. His internet show is entertaining, yes. But I’ve seen nothing that indicates he can have good matches and his character is a man who says “woo woo woo.” Yet he’s now incredibly over. What do you do with that guy? I fear the answer is not a lot, and this will harden Vince’s heart towards the internet all over again.
The Rock Rock Bottomed John Cena OMG!!!!LOLLOLYouSUCKJohn!!!
Sheamus. Walking. With a new pimp chain.
Saresh is now on Covert Affairs.
“Yesterday, Survivor Series led all cable TV shows in total activity on social media.” The WWE is like a kid who is always telling you about all the friends he has even though you know he sits alone in the cafeteria.
Since last we talked Sheamus has added racism to his gimmick, filling the hole left by them no longer referring to Mark Henry as a gorilla.
Jack Swagger vs. Sheamus
They have a pretty good little television match, won as you would expect by Sheamus, who hits a brogue kick after escaping the ankle lock. In a world where there was actually more than one viable wrestling company Sheamus would be somebody’s top babyface at this point. Now it feels like he’s just going to run in place while all the momentum he’s currently got slowly fades away.
Kevin Nash is here. He supports the Misfits. This is why Punk’s Office Space reference seems “With it” to much of the WWE.
We get a video recap of Nash murdering HHH with a sledge hammer last month. Whenever I get angry about the ridiculous use of the sledge hammer on WWE programming I remind myself that Abyss and Daniels run around TNA murdering people with screw drivers and nail filled baseball bats.
Nash is talking. He beat Bob Backlund once you know. Every time Nash appears vast changes are made to his hair and beard. He just can’t get that **** right.
Nash inexplicably just kicked 1-2-3 Kid and Aldo Montoya out of the Klique.
Nash is the Klique’s sole survivor. Scott Hall does not appreciate the premature reports of his death. And that’s that? Nash’s video is cars driving in a tunnel. That defines his character.
Cody Rhodes is here! Cody Rhodes went to Europe and came back with an entirely new body, which is definitive proof that socialized medicine is the way to go. Cody losing his mask has given him superpowers. As a lifetime fan of professional wrestling this makes perfect sense to me. Santino’s music interuppts evil laughing time. Santino is about to die.
Cody Rhodes vs. Santino
Garrett Bischoff wrestles just like Santino Marella. This match lasted as long as it took you to read that sentence. Santino misses the Cobra, Crossroads, 1-2-3.
I’m not comfortable with Cody Rhodes in those tights. I’m just saying.
Cody is now feuding with Booker T. Sigh. Cody throws water in Booker’s face and laughs about it. Booker takes it like a *****.
Josh Matthews interviews Ziggler and Vickie in back. I fully support the new policy that Dolph wrestles twice on every PPV. Ziggler and Vickie think that Dolph won two matches last night despite getting eliminated in the Survivor Series match in mere seconds. I like it. Ziggler, not Punk, is the new face of the WWE.
I would honestly be scared to walk down the street in a Great White t-shirt.
Evan Bourne knows that bullying is impossible after you smoke synthetic marijuana.
Booker is not going to allow Cody Rhodes to ruin his natural high.
This starting the top of the hour gives me a lot of hope for the time they’re going to give it.
Dolph Ziggler vs. CM Punk
And indeed this was great. They got fifteen minutes to be awesome wrestlers who wrestle awesomely, and that’s what they did. Sadly they **** up the finish, as Ziggler goes for his Fameasser and Punk was supposed to catch him and get the GTS. He did not catch him so much, so he just picked him up and did the move anyway. Punk’s mouth was busted hardway at some point.
Punk celebrated for longer than I cared to celebrate with him.
Stone Cold gets his 316th DVD set.
At this point Kane gets a video. It was directed by Lars Von Trier. They know Kane’s been a mid carder on their television show more or less nonstop for 13 years now, right?
Big Show is here. Last night he Pillmanized Mark Henry’s ankle with a leg drop. Which is sorta weird. He also was the most legitimately frightened man I’ve ever seen on WWE television, as they made him jump off the top rope for basically no reason. He did not like that. No he did not.
He puts on a brave face about that, which is understandable. He’s angry about Henry taking the easy way out last night by getting himself disqualified. Show’s okay with that since Henry got carted out on a stretcher. Show’s gonna punch Henry in the face when he comes back. And that’s a the whole segment. A lot of perfunctory little items tonight.
Here’s another one. Kelly and Alicia are playing the game they’d really like you to buy. I will never be able to watch a Kelly Kelly match without hearing her say “bam… bam…” in a monotone voice while she throws her fiery babyface punches. Beth and Natalya are here to ruin this display of fun. Oh my god was this awful. The heels would also like you to buy the game but they wished the girls would cry or something. I don’t know. I’ve already blocked it out.
They have invented something else to use on the internet to talk about wrestling. Your options were too limited before.
Wade Barrett is here. He gets a cut in video to teach us about the Barrett Barrage. I support this.
Kofi out. Have they mentioned Bourne’s abscence yet? I haven’t noticed it if they have. I have noticed that Kofi has taken John Morrison’s “here to get my ass kicked” spot ever since Bourne got suspended.
Wade Barrett vs. Kofi Kingston
The Barrett push continues. Barrett had Kofi set up for Wasteland after like two minutes when Orton came out, temporarily disabling Barrett’s motor functions. Kofi breaks out so Barrett goes to the floor to yell at Orton. We went to break off that. Came back with Kofi in control in the ring. They proceed to have a way better match than the first match, but Barrett still wins with the Wasteland, this time while looking at Randy Orton. Orton responds to this by leaving. Barrett gets a microphone and reminds Orton that he won the match. Orton responds by flinching at Barrett. For this Orton gets his music played to signify his victory. (shrugs)
I just realized that we haven’t seen Jonah Hill’s freakish, healthy form.
John Cwena is walking.
We’re back, and now John Cena is walking but on the ramp, so its even better.
Cena and Rock could coexist, because they won. Cena describes the way the crowd reacted to Rock and the way it reacted to him. At this point they show an insanely happy overweight black woman and her kid, both in Cena t-shirts losing their ****. This was the best thing on the show. Cena is very diplomatic about getting treated like a joke and then being Rockbottomed. At this point Truth and Miz interupt. Miz tells Cena that he really oughta be more pissed off than he is about this entire situation. Miz is right. “Don’t tag Cena… Don’t tag Cena.” “You always say “You Can’t See Me… last night nobody wanted to see you.” Truth’s turn. He finally starts breaking Cena’s spirit, so Cena threatens them with painful physical retribution. Now Cena points out that nobody cares about Awesome Truth either. So basically nobody cares about anybody besides the guy who is only gonna wrestle one more match in four months. This does not bode well. Cena keeps talking and somehow tears apart Truth and Miz with his words. hen he leaves. That was abrupt. Truth does not appreciate all this mean Miz talk he just heard. Miz can’t stop himself from pointing out he’s the star of the team. He pushes Truth so Truth punches out Miz. Only then is Miz able to use his words to calm the situation down and convince Truth they should go get Cena. On their way Miz lays Truth out with the Skull Crushing Finale on the ramp. So Truth is presumably turning face? That’s… that’s pretty ******* weird. Show ends with Truth on the ramp.
Wherever Jonah Hill is I hope Brodus Clay is sitting next to him, feeling bad about his inability to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
I’m going to try to make this a regular thing again and hopefully contribute other posts as well but for the most part I can’t be online during the day anymore (and never on Tuesdays past 9:30) so I’m not ignoring you, single commenter CB49er. Your comment is still most appreciated.