BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Ricky Davis takes unnecessary shots at Al Harrington

Dear Ricky Davis,

We were somewhat confused by your call, claiming that you wanted to sue Al Harrington for “identity theft.” Then you sent a fax, with the box score of the Trilogy vs. Killer 3’s game labeled “Exhibit A,” with Harrington’s 9-27 shooting line circled and marked, “There can be only one.” That is, of course, from "Highlander." Even though he took a whopping 54 percent of his team’s field goals, we urge you, please do not cut off Mr. Harrington’s head.

You rightfully consider yourself one of the greatest gunners in NBA history. Much like Ted Kennedy, you’ve never met a shot you didn’t like. Or take. Repeatedly. You yourself put up 19 shot attempts for the Ghost Ballers, hitting seven of them, and stayed true to form by lodging zero assists. (On a side note, how is there a team called the Ball Hogs in the BIG3 and you’re not on it?) Unfortunately, Mo Evans went 4-14, and Ivan Johnson went 2-8. Ivan Johnson even took three threes! His job is to get rebounds, deliver hard fouls and scare children in the stands. He’s the one you need to be upset with, because all of those should have been Ricky’s shots.

Besides, even though Big Al missed 18 shots, his performance was nothing like Ricky Davis. He managed to pick up an assist. And his team actually won.

Shots fired!

BIG Referee Hotline

Stephen Jackson vs. Rashad McCants

Dear Stephen Jackson,

This is the first week of the BIG3, so we want to clarify that this hotline is for questions about officiating in the league. That’s why it’s difficult for us to answer your question, “Isn’t Rashad McCants a little punk?”

Your team, the Killer 3’s, was at a distinct disadvantage with co-captain Chauncey Billups out for the opener, as he tries to decide on the Cleveland Cavaliers general manager job — though it says something about the stability of the Cavs organization that Billups might choose a summer 3-on-3 league over a five-year executive position with an NBA finalist. Without Mr. Big Shot, your team was stuck with Mr. Cheap Shot, Reggie Evans, and foul machine Brian Cook, who contributed only six points to go with his five fouls.

Still, you and McCants did make history by drawing the first double technicals in BIG3 history, shutting up any critics who thought players didn’t care and that the BIG3 wouldn’t have any forearm shivers. If the game did devolve into a brawl, the Killer 3’s might be without peer in this league, and there’s no games in Detroit to worry about! But to answer your question, Rashad McCants is a talented basketball player, even though his last name has “Can’t” in it, like a Scotsman doomed to failure. But you missed 10 three-pointers! You need to focus on hitting shots rather than hitting the first pick in the draft.

Respectfully yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Jason Williams vs. Mike Bibby

Dear Jason Williams,

We have reviewed the footage of the foul that injured you, and we don’t believe it was flagrant or intentional. There was a collision, your knees bumped and you collapsed, like Vlade Divac playing defense in the post. We believe it was simply the usual “White Chocolate” flair — the knee ligaments went behind the kneecap in spectacular fashion! It looks like in getting the shot off, you may have faked out your own meniscus. You’ve broken plenty of ankles in your playing career and, now, perhaps your own.

If Mr. Bibby was truly trying to hurt you, he would have traded himself to the Three-Headed Monsters in exchange for you and then made the franchise relocate to Memphis. As it stands, you should be back in a few weeks but will mercifully miss the league’s trip to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

We’d also like to commend Mr. Bibby for hitting as many four-point baskets (two) as the rest of the BIG3 combined. If the NBA had the four-pointer back in 2002, the world would be a different place. Then again, Vlade Divac probably would have just tipped a rebound out to Robert Horry for a dagger four-point basket in Game 4, while Doug Christie air-balled wide-open four-pointers in Game 7.

Team Dime 4-Ever!

BIG3 Referee Hotline

Ice Cube vs. Good Days

Dear Ice Cube,

We checked out the game footage, and while a lot of players were messing around, no one got a triple-double. The closest anyone came was Andre Owens, who put up 20 points, 15 rebounds and five assists, but Allen Iverson is going to have to play more minutes and hit more jumpers if he can get to 10 assists.

However, if you are serious about a BIG3-themed remix of “It Was a Good Day,” we did come up with some new lines for you:

• I had some cash, she had the most dollars/ The Three-Headed Monsters beat the Ghost Ballers
• No barking from the dog, no smog/ And Rick Barry got pissed coaching the Ball Hogs
• BIG3 editors run deep, so deep/ Because a five-hour broadcast would put the viewers to sleep
• I even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read/ Ice Cube is a wildly successful multi-platform producer and entrepreneur

We’ve also got a mixtape called “That’s What I Call Music Vol. BIG3.” Hit us up for the Soundcloud link!

Musically yours,

BIG3 Referee Hotline