NFL Referee Hotline Bling: The hotline suffers a Brown-Out
The NFL has followed to lead of the NBA and established a phone number where players and coaches can call to complain about calls, get rule clarifications, and generally vent about the arcane world of the NFL rulebook. It's like the telecommunications version of throwing a challenge flag, only with no timeouts attached. We've obtained access to the week's communications, which are about as real as Rob Ryan's chances of being invited to fashion week. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: The Cleveland Browns have gone way over their allotted minutes.
Titans vs. Browns
Dear Marcus Mariota,
There was a controversial play in the Titans-Browns game this week, and for that we’d like to apologize. You completed a pass to Delanie Walker, initially ruled a first down, that was called a fumble after replay review. The Bengals took possession at your 40, and eventually kicked a field goal. Now, the logic used by the officials was sound: Walker did appear to be fumbling before he hit the ground. But we apologize for not considering the consequences: An extra period of Browns football.
So what if the call was correct? Does that make up for the misery inflicted by the Cleveland Browns going to overtime? That’s ten extra minutes of wobbly Cody Kessler passes, half-hearted Kenny Britt catch attempts, and heartbreaking Joe Thomas injuries. One overtime period is enough for Hue Jackson to give DeShone Kizer the starting QB job – and then take it away – three separate times! Why, it’s enough time for the Browns offense to gain nearly six agonizing yards!
We tell the officials, think of the rules, but maybe we should think of the children. The poor, depressed children of Northeast Ohio, prevented by league blackout rules from watching a real game, forced to suffer through this staggering slog of a game. It’s like trying to complete a marathon on crutches! We apologize to you, the Titans, the fans, the league, and even the poor, incompetent Browns. They didn’t ask for this. Next time, maybe they can be put out of their misery and lose –because they’re absolutely going to lose – in regulation.
Apologetically Yours, NFL Referee Hotline
Raiders vs. Chiefs
Dear Marshawn Lynch,
Thank you for calling the hotline to apologize for your actions, though we do wish you’d done it from home, or the locker room, or the car. Oh, wait, you took BART home after the game. But you did call from the stands after you were ejected for shoving an official. We checked, and apparently the NFL forgot to make a rule saying ejected players can’t go watch the game from the stands. Our bad.
It was difficult to follow the thread of your conversation when you were greeting every single fan while also tossing Skittle after Skittle into your mouth, but we took the gist of it to mean that pushing the official was unintentional. You claim it’s involuntary when you get pushed. Well, we checked your medical records, and it turns out that’s true. You’ve got a condition where your body responds to hard contact with a reflexive stiff-arm, shove, or lateral leap. It’s called first-and-tendinitis.
While we sympathize with your malady, you can’t run onto the field. Yes, it may be the only place in Oakland where you aren’t welcomed with open arms, but it’s still not OK during a dustup. You’ll be suspended for one game and you’re officially a bigger Oakland legend than Jack London.
Beast-modally Yours, NFL Referee Hotline
Falcons vs. Patriots
Dear Dan Quinn,
Yes, Bill Belichick rented a bunch of fog machines Sunday night. No, we’re not going to do anything about it.
Sincerely Yours, NFL Referee Hotline
Bengals vs. Steelers
Dear Le'Veon Bell,
You were right to complain about the uncalled kick that Vontaze Burfict of the Bengals delivered after a play. It was a clear personal foul, and should have led to a 15-yard penalty. It’s not that the officials weren’t watching, they were just watching for the wrong thing.
You see, Vontaze Burfict has amassed a lot of illegal hits over the year. He’s hit defenseless receivers, twisted ankles after tackles, hit players in the groin, hit players in the head, administered purple nurples, charley horses, noogies, and wet willies, stomped legs, and we think he made a voodoo doll of Martavis Bryant last year. So while the refs didn’t see Burfict put his feet in Roosevelt Nix’s face, it’s because they were looking for a gun.
Look, the lead official watched "The Last Boy Scout" for the first time Friday night, and he became convinced a player might pull a gun on the field. And does it really seem that out of character for Burfict? So once his hands were empty, the referees relaxed, and for that we apologize. Future Bengals game will carry clear points of emphasis on kicks, knees to the groin, sleeper holds, throwing stars, brass knuckles, and defensive holding.
Cinemagically yours, NFL Referee Hotline
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