The NFL distraction playbook
This week spelled the end of the strangest NFL mystery in recent memory, the whereabouts of Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey. In fact, the resolution only made the controversy more bizarre in retrospect. It turns out two Brady Super Bowl jerseys were missing, including one we didn’t even know about, along with a Von Miller Super Bowl helmet.
That a Mexican journalist is the suspected thief only adds to the intrigue. But of course someone came along to ruin the fun by pointing out this is a frivolous story in the grand scheme, even in terms of sports news. In some ways, being a follower of the NFL is like trying to exist in the horrors of present-day America: As soon as you get wrapped up in a delightfully nutty story, along comes some self-righteous busybody to tell you how you’re actually being duped or distracted. It's as if people aren’t capable of paying attention to multiple things at once.
In this case, that someone was an anonymous NFL agent speaking to an ESPN access journalist.
Respect to some top-notch cynicism, though even I have a hard time believing that the FBI, Houston police and Mexican authorities all coordinated their efforts in such a way that a story about a Super Bowl jersey recovery would only emerge after one of many former NFL players comes forward with a football-related medical condition. After all, there are a lot of those.
Still, this idea of NFL figures planting dumb stories to obscure ugly truths has some recent precedent. The Washington Post’s Mike Jones earlier this month hinted that 'Skins team president Bruce Allen leaked a scoop to NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport during the combine about a potential three-team trade that would have somehow sent Kirk Cousins to San Francisco, Tony Romo to Washington and an indeterminate amount of draft picks to be bandied among the three teams. Even when it was initially reported, the logic of the deal was ridiculous, so it was easy to believe later that Allen had purposely leaked it to distract from the ongoing drama between the franchise and then-general manager Scot McCloughan.
From now on, this strategy of pushing nonsense stories to deflect from damning ones has to be central to the NFL’s spin control. Anytime a reporter drops another exposé detailing Toradol abuse in the league, another vaguely described source comes forward with a report that Marshawn Lynch is considering a comeback. Evidently there’s no lack of them that the public is willing to believe.
Anyway, here’s a a quick cache of NFL distraction stories the league can deploy in the inevitable event of news about how the league is legitimately evil:
- Roger Goodell has secretly been taking up painting over the last decade, and all the paintings credited to George W. Bush were really done by Goodell.
- Colin Kaepernick is spending his time singlehandedly getting all refugees to asylum, so it’s actually a good thing that the league has blackballed him.
- The NFL is considering adding competitive double dutch to its Pro Bowl skills challenge, with the winners getting a free pass to strip naked after a future touchdown.
- The viral Big Chicken going around is J.J. Watt in a costume, and like a real rooster, he’s always the first one up.
- The rebooted Matrix franchise will just be slowed-down highlights of Odell Beckham catches.
- Have the league officially endorse the concept of pineapple on pizza and watch as the Internet spends three years arguing about it instead of CTE.
- Get Aaron Rodgers to talk more about how he believes in UFOs.
- Send an instructional video on how to celebrate properly without getting flagged.
- Finally install full-time referees with actual full-time jobs to enforce the rules of play for a league that makes billions on top of billions of dollars.
- Have the commissioner say he hates all those commercial breaks that allow him to make an obscene amount of money just as much as us average NFL fans, thus absolving him of blame when the commercial breaks don't go anywhere.
- Insert Johnny Manziel story here to run misdirection on just about anything.
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