The week in NFL news as explained by Metallica
The NFL might be, at its heart, an insanely corrupt organization bent on valuing profits above its athletes, its fans, and any sort of sense of common decency, but this week, all of us members of the sports media must grudgingly accept that it has done us a big favor.
No, I'm not talking about the games – the vast majority of the ones played yesterday were meaningless. I'm talking about the fact that most teams felt that Sunday was the perfect time to fire coaches, retire coaches, fire GMs, or do something else to give us something to discuss prior to the Wild Card round. If you missed any of the action because you were in bed hung over from a New Year's Eve party that went a little bit too late, never fear. We'll recap all of it for you, with some help from Metallica.
When news broke on Sunday that Gary Kubiak was retiring, the early story was that it was for health concerns. Happily, this was only partly true. Apparently, the stress and strain of coaching in the NFL simply became too much for Kubiak, and he has made the decision to step away from the game for those reasons.
This leaves the future of the Broncos uncertain. Their defense is still one of the best in the league, and their receiving corps is strong. But their offensive line is porous, and their run game was non-existent all year. Trevor Siemian and Paxton Lynch, no matter how good they become, can't fix that. For now, however, the heavy ring on Kubiak's finger waves goodbye, as Denver thanks him for last year's Super Bowl win.
"Hero of the Day": Aaron Rodgers makes good on his promise to run the table
It's okay to admit it, I will too. In November, when the Packers were 4-6 and Aaron Rodgers said he was confident that the Packers could run the table and finish the season 10-6, you laughed. That's fine! We all did.
And then, despite the odds, it just kind of... happened.
The road to winning the NFC North led them through Detroit, where Aaron Rodgers beat the Lions pretty much on his own. He scrambled, he fit passes into insanely tight coverage, and somehow picked apart a Lions defense that really did appear to be playing pretty well.
But beware, Packers fans. You're off to find the hero of the day, but beware not to fall by someone's wicked way and forget that this team is still the same team that lost to the Tennessee Titans 25-47.
"Fade to Black": The Raiders (and Texans) really don't have any hope in the playoffs
Sure, there was little hope for the Raiders and Texans before this past Sunday, but at the same time, there was that slight, twinkling chance that Matt McGloin and Tom Savage could beat the odds and lead their respective teams to playoff success.
Now their hopes, it seems, will fade away, drifting further every day. The Texans' move to Tom Savage seems like a lateral one, and Matt McGloin simply can't run the offense anywhere nearly as effectively as Derek Carr could.
On the plus side, one of these teams literally has to win next week, since they play each other, so there's no chance of both of these teams completely flaming out. Small comfort, I know.
"For Whom the Bell Tolls": The 49ers and Bills don't really have any hope, period
Let's get this out of the way quickly: I think that the 49ers needed to be blown up in the way that they were. Baalke and Kelly were holding the team back. Now, personally, I think Jed York needs to get lost too, but that's just me. Unfortunately, this means that the 49ers will need to rebuild – and it promises to be a long process even with a resurgent Colin Kaepernick under center.
Far less understandable is the Bills' decision making. Sure, Rex Ryan had to go, but Tyrod too? Any casual observer could tell you that he wasn't the problem with that team. It's not like they have a great QB prospect waiting in the wings – anyone who watched the Bills game on Sunday could tell you that – and even if they do somehow find a diamond in the rough in the draft, he won't have too many tools. If the Bills are truly looking to get rid of Taylor, it's going to be a long few years. For now, let the shattered goal fill your soul with the ruthless cry of a fan of a long-suffering team.
"Sad But True": We're going to get a Patriots-Cowboys Super Bowl, aren't we?
Sure, many of these teams weren't playing at full strength on Sunday, but if you were watching along with me, I mean – did you see a single team in the AFC who could upset the Patriots, or a single team in the NFC that could take down the Cowboys? I didn't.
It's more of a nightmare than a dream, something you shudder to think about when your mind goes astray. You know it's sad, but true. Two of the most hated teams in the entire NFL are likely to go head to head in this year's championship game. And the really crushing thing is that they both deserve it. It seems pretty clear from the regular season that the Patriots and the Cowboys are the best teams in football this year.
But please. Please. Prove me wrong, Packers. Prove me wrong, uh, Dolphins? I'll take anyone at this point.
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