Imagining famous athletes as significant others

In homage to one of our favorite sites ever, The Toast (RIP), we decided to apply one of their best series to sports figures; "If x were your y" – a play on imagining famous people in our own lives as parents, boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses. Happy Valentine's Day!

If Martellus Bennett were your boyfriend…

He would say hi and give you a warm smile, causing you to immediately tell him your phone number and your deepest darkest secret, knowing it would always be safe with him. For your first date, you would do something fun and educational. All your dates would always either be fun and educational, or fun and beneficial to your community. He would call you just to say he loves you and remind you that you are worthy. He would listen to all your stories about your day and your friends, agreeing with you that your friend deserves better than her current boyfriend and she just needs to have more confidence.

If Antonio Brown were your boyfriend…

He would convince you to give him your number by looking intensely into your eyes and quoting W.B. Yeats. Your first date would involve a ride in a hot air balloon and a gourmet picnic. Your fashion sense is impeccable, but you would still look woefully underdressed next to him at all times. Anyone who wronged you would get a withering look from your boyfriend that they would never recover from. He would express his love for you by shouting it from the rooftops, eventually proposing to you through an elaborate public Snapchat story.

If Bryce Harper were your boyfriend…

He wouldn’t bother trying to impress you, he would just walk over and say, “Hey, wanna go out tonight?” and you would say yes. He would take you to a movie for your first date, and the movie would be about baseball. He would spend hours telling you what he did at the gym every day. He would wear a suit to meet your parents, but not say a word all evening. For your birthday, he would get you a framed picture of a baseball or a ballpark or a baseball bat. Every year. Bryce Harper as a boyfriend would be like Tim Riggins from "Friday Night Lights" as a boyfriend. His proposal would just be him saying, “Hey, wanna get hitched?” and you would say yes.

If Hilary Knight were your girlfriend…

Your first date would be to a movie like "Inside Out" or "Despicable Me" and you would both tear up during the movie and then tease each other about it. She would laugh at all your jokes even though she’s heard way funnier ones. She would help you with your job applications and encourage you to believe in yourself. You would have matching flannel shirts in every color and pattern. She would borrow your car and return it with a full tank of gas every time. She would teach you how to skate, skateboard, surf, and generally be chill.

If Kevin Love were your boyfriend…

Your first date would be at one of those cafes where you paint a mug or vase while you eat your sandwich. He would call you exactly three days later, and wait the exact prescribed time before being the first to say “I love you.” He would bring a fancy salad to your work for lunch once a week and never complain about your Pinterest experiments, whether they be cooking projects or baking projects or redecorating projects for your shared condo. He would always help with the chores without being asked and read The New York Times with you in bed every Sunday morning. He would let you shout out the answers first when watching "Jeopardy!" together.

If Anthony Rizzo were your boyfriend…

Your first date would involve hot dogs from a food cart on the street, followed by a romantic movie such as "John Wick 2." He would try to impress you by crushing a beer can on his forehead and hurting himself in the process. Dating him would be like having a puppy that doesn’t need to go outside to pee. You would meet his extended family three weeks into dating him, and they would later text him that he should marry you as soon as possible. It would take him seven years to propose.

If Jonathan Toews were your boyfriend…

You would first meet him at a house party and dismiss him as a total bro. He would then add you on Facebook and share five articles a day about living a purposeful life and having a positive impact on the world. Your first date would be a nature walk, during which he would remind you that our time on earth is fleeting and ask you what you planned to do to protect the environment for future generations. Your friends would always ask you if he is stoned and you would always respond, “No, he’s just like that.”

If Russell Westbrook were your boyfriend… 

Your first date would be a weekend in Paris because when you met you told him it was your dream to go. You would attend Fashion Week together, because during your date in Paris you told him you’ve always wanted to go. You would go shopping together, and he would tell you how amazing you look in everything. You would text him to tell him about a cool new restaurant, and he would text back “already made us reservations, babe.” He would charm your friends and your parents effortlessly and always know how to make you laugh.

If Serena Williams were your girlfriend…

Hold it right there. Never in a million years will any of us mere mortals ever be good enough for Serena Williams, and we shouldn’t even bother to try. Let’s all just sit back down.