Special guests teams should have announce draft picks
For several years now, NFL teams, no doubt encouraged by the league office, have turned to an array of special presenters to announce picks in the second and third days of the draft. This makes sense since it makes for better TV in the later rounds of the draft, when the name recognition of the prospects is far less pronounced for casual fans.
Often, this special presenter can be a well-known former player or a lucky fan. On the third day of the draft, teams make their picks remotely from notable locations, including military bases and landmarks associated with their home markets. As is becoming increasingly the case, teams are getting downright silly with it.
Case in point: This year, the duty of announcing the Buccaneers’ fourth-round pick will belong to a real, live parrot.
It’s not even the first time an animal has announced a pick during the draft. Last year, the Colts had Rocky, an orangutan from the Indianapolis Zoo, announce the team’s three fourth-round picks. The orangutan pressed a touch screen in its enclosure, revealing that the Colts had selected offensive lineman Zach Banner from USC. For what it’s worth, Banner was cut by the Colts in early September and spent his rookie season with the Browns, appearing in eight games. The other two picks announced by Rocky, running back Marlon Mack and defensive lineman Grover Stewart, are still with the Colts.
A parrot is just a tad bit more thematically appropriate for the Buccaneers than an orangutan is for the Colts, but really, it’s all about entertainment value. The presenter can make sense for an organization, and that’s all well and good. Something engaging will work regardless of whether it syncs with team iconography.
With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for special guests to announce team draft picks.
Eagles: Larry Poff
Poff’s postgame rant from the 2006 season somehow became an online rallying cry for Philly fans during what ended up being the franchise’s first championship of the Super Bowl era. All you have to do is get him to drunkenly stammer “listen” a few times before mentioning the pick.
Rams: A kid thrashing a Jeff Fisher pinata
Look, I can’t explain the logistics of getting pieces of paper bearing the name of the player the Rams end up drafting at a specific pick in the pinata before a kid smashes it with a stick. That’s for the eggheads in the NFL office to figure out. All I know is it would be incredible TV for a kid to bash a Jeff Fisher pinata, only for little slips of paper with a draft pick’s name to fall out. Also the Rams don’t have a pick until no. 87 in the draft this year, so it would be a great way to kick things off for them.
Vikings: Some guy who just wants to rant about Philly fans
Minnesota fans are still having a hard time dealing with their blowout loss in the NFC Championship Game. While Eagles fans are undoubtedly among the rudest in the NFL, the fact that Vikings fans are still bellyaching about what happened feels like sour grapes. That will be all the more apparent when a Vikes fans doesn’t even bother to announce a pick and instead trash talks Eagles fans.
49ers: Elizabeth Holmes
The Niners are on the rise, but that doesn’t mean they should forsake the Silicon Valley scammers who comprise a good deal of their market. Holmes is long discredited, so it will be more amusing than troubling when she claims to have developed a football helmet that prevents concussions before announcing one of San Francisco’s picks.
Browns: A dog
Cleveland has an official dog mascot so it would hardly be difficult to arrange. Knowing the Browns, it would almost certainly relieve itself when the time comes to make the pick. Let’s not pretend like we want anything else anyway.
Chargers: Philip Rivers’ eight kids
Their dad’s playing career is drawing to a close within the next few years. Frankly, it would be best if one kid was picked to announce each of the Chargers’ seven draft picks. The neglected one would likely feel spurned enough that he or she would grow up to be quarterback of the Raiders.
Bills: Hologram Tim Russert
The NFL had to scrap plans of unleashing a Prince hologram on everyone during the halftime of this past Super Bowl. You know someone is itching to use the technology. The 10th anniversary of the passing of the "Meet the Press" host is likely excuse enough.
Patriots: Marjory Stoneman Douglas students
Bob Kraft lent his team’s plane to MSD students to attend the March for Our Lives rally in Washington, D.C. For even more exposure, they can announce a New England draft pick. Knowing football culture, at least one of the TV pundits will unleash a minutes-long rant about how he or she wants to go after David Hogg.
Packers: Kato Kaelin
The O.J. story had its comeback in the form of documentaries over the last few years. Perhaps that moment has passed, but Kato has surely earned his stripes as an overzealous Packers fan on social media.
Dolphins: A porpoise
Half the purpose of wild stunts is driving conversation, and little will stoke discussion of a draft pick than a seeming error. If nothing else, people on social media thrive on correcting others and trying to prove their superiority. Using the wrong species in a draft pick stunt will surely solicit plenty of engagement.
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