The NBA goes courtside to curbside: Drinks and rides for discerning fans

Because it's difficult to watch Dwight Howard play basketball sober, the Atlanta Hawks have announced  Courtside to Curbside , a partnership with Jack Daniels and Uber where fans get discounts on rides from the arena. Granted, Atlanta is where the players play, and they ride on dem Ubers like every day, but other NBA teams are planning to follow suit.

Let's take a look:

Golden State Warriors : The Dubs new open-air curbside bar features four different expensive, award-winning top-shelf liquors. Charles Barkley hates it, but everyone else loves all the outside shots.

Oklahoma City Thunder : Having lost most of their bar staff to the Warriors in the offseason, the Thunder announced "Triple Double," where Russell Westbrook will make you a cocktail, drive you home, and also give you a fashion makeover. It's very exciting but probably not sustainable for a full season.

Cleveland Cavaliers : "Get In the Car With J.R." Cavs fans can get a ride from Quicken Loans Area from a member of J.R. Smith's entourage. The ride is free of charge, but you aren't allowed to wear a shirt.

Toronto Raptors : "DeMarre's Car Roll" The first 25 fans who sign up on swingman DeMarre Carroll's list get a discounted ride home from the arena. Unfortunately, his fleet of cars is constantly in the shop with nagging problems, and this promotion disappears when the Raptors play the Cavs.

San Antonio Spurs : "Get It Popping" Sponsored by Pop Chips, this promotion lets one lucky fan ride home with Coach Pop himself! Annoyed by chatty Lyft drivers? Coach Pop only gives terse, angry answers to your stupid questions and you will ride home in silence.

Boston Celtics : The Celtics released a ride-share app called "iPitino," but instead of showing the driver's name and picture, it simply tells you which Boston legend will not  be picking you up. "Larry Bird's not driving through that door.  Kevin McHale's not driving through that door." It's confusing, especially since Dave Cowens actually is an iPitino driver.

Los Angeles Clippers : "Wining to the Officials" Enjoy a glass of merlot as Chris Paul and Doc Rivers berate a sommelier.

Houston Rockets : James Harden will flop in front of a cab and threaten to call the cops unless the driver takes you home for free.

Charlotte Hornets : This isn't exactly a promotion, but after every home game, Frank Kaminsky will sit outside the arena drinking a 40.

Utah Jazz : Fans get to chug an O'Doul's before Australian point guard Dante Exum drives them home. Will he remember to drive on the right side of the road? Will the 0.4 percent alcohol by volume make fans crazy? It's the most exciting thing to happen to Utah since Mitt Romney played HORSE with Howard Eisley.

Chicago Bulls : Robin Lopez serves you a shot of Malört and then throws celery salt in your face before shoving you into an elevated train.

Memphis Grizzlies : "Z-Bo Stuffs Out DUIs" Even though drunk driving is basically legal in Memphis, Zach Randolph will feed intoxicated fans barbecue until the meat sweats sober them up.

Milwaukee Bucks : Free jello shots for anyone who can correctly spell "Antetokounmpo."

Minnesota Timberwolves : The Wolves had high expectations for this year's ride-share partnership with Lunchables, but many of the promising auto prospects they hired are too young to get a driver's license.

New York Knicks : "Noah Way Out" You pay way above market value for wine that started to go bad five years ago, but you have to commit to drinking it for the next four years.

Portland Trail Blazers : After the game, a bass-playing stripper with her own Etsy shop tells intoxicated fans that they should have rode a bike to the arena instead.

Brooklyn Nets : The Nets will make excessive, lucrative offers to Lyft drivers only to have them opt for more successful passengers instead.

Los Angeles Lakers : Previous partnerships with Uber failed because Kobe Bryant wasn't willing to share. but this year's effort is sponsored by Hennessy and Sanyo. Drink cognac while D'Angelo Russell secretly films you saying embarrassing things!

Philadelphia 76ers : The Sixers have banned all ride-share vehicles from the arena, except for tanks. Apparently they're trying to preserve cab space.