Matt Ryan is now Mr. Pick-Two
On Sunday, an important piece of NFL history was set. No, not Tom Brady winning his 201st game. Quarterback wins is a useless stat, after all. The history I mean is the first-ever interception returned for a two-point score, thrown by Matt Ryan.
Ever since defensive two-point scores were allowed beginning in 2015 we’ve waited for this moment. And now we get to bask in the sheer ignominy that Ryan now suffers.
But wait, it was mostly forgotten how embarrassing it was for Ryan because it was a good thing for Eric Berry, who returned the two-point score after already posting a pick-six earlier in the game. It was Berry’s day and rightly so, it being his first football trip to his hometown since being treated there for lymphoma two years ago.
But we mustn’t forget this is as much Matt Ryan’s moment as it is Eric Berry’s. Ryan is a deeply boring individual, even this year when he’s arguably putting together an MVP season. Just crushingly dull. And this is our chance to remedy that slightly. It's not that there's nothing on Ryan. There is the that try-hard “Matty Ice” nickname, though its implied aggro tone is at odds with Ryan's placid nature. Even the bad things are tough to make stick with this blank slate.
So we might as well get him on this. Eventually, a pick-two would come and we would mercilessly mock the quarterback responsible. It just so happens that QB is Matt Ryan, who could use something else to set himself out from the pack. That thing is being Mr. Pick-Two. Atlanta could still blow the division lead to Tampa Bay, but if not we need to ensure there’s a reference we can amuse ourselves with in the playoff game or two before the Falcons are eliminated.
Sometimes it’s nice when Dallas is good
The Cowboys are cruising through 13 weeks and seem like the unbeatable juggernaut ready to charge through the NFC playoffs, especially now that the Seahawks will have to forge ahead without Earl Thomas. But things don’t always work out that way. Whether the Cowboys can return to the promised land after 20 years away has little to do with whether one fan got a tattoo proclaiming it, but it’s just another thing that will make falling short of that mark extremely satisfying to the rest of us.
The Titans and Browns have cleat causes too
After initially hilariously making a hash of a slam-dunk PR move like allowing players to finally wear customized cleats, the NFL reversed course. At first, the customized cleats would be limited to Week 13, never mind that a few teams were on bye. The NFL was determined to keep all the fun confined in Week 13 where it couldn’t hurt the ridiculous solemnity of the game or potential sponsors. For a bit this week it looked as though RGIII might start for Cleveland, there’s little doubt Griffin would have an elaborate cleat look to match his socks.
Mike Zimmer is ready for the second remake of "True Grit"
The Vikings coach has returned to Vikings practice sporting an eyepatch after undergoing emergency eye surgery last week. It’s about time we had an eyepatch coach in the NFL. It would make the most aesthetic sense for the Raiders, but the Vikings works too. Just because the logo isn’t missing an eye doesn’t mean actual vikings didn’t actually look them sacking towns and whatnot. Anyway, it’s a badass look for an NFL coach. Having to look at a dumpy guy like Ben McAdoo would eventually make you crave a weathered, deformed, battle-weary leader.
Red Zone bathroom pass
NFL watchability ratings are generally pointless. Everyone has access to the same prime time games and their quality typically corresponds to the night they’re broadcast. Sunday night is the best, Monday night is next, then there’s Thursday night.
Instead, here’s my expectation of how many bathroom breaks you might be able to get away with during a slate of games on Sunday. It’s generally going to be more difficult during the early slate because the NFL still insists on frontloading most of their Sunday nights into the early slot.
Early slate: Pittsburgh at Buffalo / Denver at Tennessee / Washington at Philadelphia / Arizona at Miami / Minnesota at Jacksonville / Houston at Indianapolis / San Diego at Carolina / Cincinnati at Cleveland / Chicago at Detroit
Expected breaks: Three. Four. I dunno, take as many as you need. There’s not a whole lot going on here, unless first place in the AFC South means a lot to you, which it shouldn’t. Otherwise, if you’re a Steelers, Broncos, ‘Skins, or Lions fan you’re just holding for dear life if your game gets close and your team possibly screws up a good thing.
Late slate: New York Jets at San Francisco / New Orleans at Tampa Bay / Atlanta at Los Angeles / Seattle at Green Bay
Expected breaks: Two. You’re going to want to avert your eyes from that Jets-49ers game, so that’ll be one early on. The Seahawks-Packers game has significance, and with the Packers playing better the last few weeks, could actually be decent. Be sure not to go anywhere as the games end as you could miss your chance to see Jeff Fisher make history by tying Dan Reeves as the losingest coach ever. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
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