NBA Weekend Awards: Who will take a bite of the Snow White Crystal Apple?
The NBA Playoffs surged through another weekend, racing headlong towards a seemingly-inevitable Warriors-Cavs matchup. But the Celtics put a little doubt in the minds of fans, raising the slim possibility that the Finals trilogy will be derailed, or at least, that we won't have nine basketball-free days after the conference finals. And while America waits to see who gets the Larry O'Brien, and the league continues to hype an awards show that's over a month away, we prefer to live in the present, and honor the heroes of this playoff weekend.
Snow White Crystal Apple: For coming back from the dead thanks to a kiss.
The Celtics have had an up-and-down postseason. Rajon Rondo was supposed to take them out in the forest and cut their hearts out in Round One, but he couldn't do it. After his injury, the Bulls decided to play with no heart instead.
Then the Celtics played a wacky series with Washington. Kelly Olynyk got Grumpy, wearing funeral clothes to a game they lost was Dopey, getting his teeth knocked out made Isaiah Thomas Bashful. And there was even an embarrassingly petty 2008 Celtics reunion in Area 21, featuring Glenn Rivers. I mean, Doc.
Against Cleveland, they couldn’t stop LeBron James, the fairest basketball player in all the land, as he whistled while he worked. Fans began leaving the arena at halftime of Game 2, although maybe they were Sleepy. The team appeared dead, but they still appeared in a glass case on TNT, preserved for their eventual Fishin’ trip. However, Brad Stevens and the team took a long look in the mirror mirror, Marcus Smart wasn’t Bashful about putting up threes, and eventually Avery Bradley’s game-winner kissed off the rim and gave Boston the upset win, making Celtics fans very Happy. Could they take the whole series? There’s Snow way.
Wilt Chamberlain Trophy: For scoring. Relentless scoring. Scoring almost done just to prove you can do it, and no one can resist. To Kevin Durant, who went on a tear in the third quarter of Game 3. The Kawhi-less Spurs had been keeping it close, but once KD and his wingman David West went to work, he was unstoppable. He put up 19 points in the quarter, racking up numbers like Jack Nicholson in the '70s. And in the spirit of Wilt, on and off the court, there were plenty of rebounds.
Warren Beatty Medal: For scoring a lot, even though you’re old. To Manu Ginobili, who became the second player 39 and over to put up 20+ points in the conference finals. People were writing off Ginobili after the 2013 Finals, when he turned in a flaccid performance against the Heat. But he kept at it, proving you can score in a variety of ways. Some old guys can barely get shots up in the second round, but Manu is still playing hard well into his third matchup. Honestly, it’s not surprising that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the other old guy to score 20+ when he’s old — baldness is a sign of high testosterone and virility.
A.C. Green Purity Ring: For total refusal to score. This goes to LaMarcus Aldridge, who has disappeared as an offensive threat since Kawhi’s injury. One reason the Warriors came back from 25 points down in Game One was that Aldridge couldn’t counter their offense, racking up more turnover than made baskets after he became the Spurs’ primary threat. After Game 2, Coach Pop had to plead with LMA to stop passing up shots, as he finished just 4-11. To paraphrase Mary J. Blige, what’s that, hun? He better not be waiting until he gets a ring, because that’s not going to happen unless he cracks 20 points.
The Del Close Award: For excellence in space object work.
This goes to J.R. Smith, who responded to a heckling Celtics fan by miming sweeping the floor. A ref tried to block him, but J.R. stayed in the scene and continued his routine. Apparently J.R. has really worked on his improv skills since joining the Cavs, completing the full series of classes at “Yes, Anderson,” Anderson Varejao’s improv studio. He also joined a Harold team last summer, though he was confused by the concept — he thought it was a pickup league with Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner. Regardless, he’s dedicated to the principles of improv, and flexible enough to adjust his own ideas. That’s why when a fan suggested “Boston” as a location where two teams could meet for Game 5, he accepted.
The Paul Pierce Memorial Wheelchair: To David Lee, who left the court in a wheelchair, as a homage to Paul Pierce in the 2008 Finals. Unfortunately, he then emulated everyone else who has ever needed a wheelchair besides Paul Pierce, and stayed off the injured left leg.
Sorcerer’s Apprentice Golden Broom: For being swept so intensely that it feels like brooms are magically manifesting all around you. To the Spurs, who conjured up a great game plan in the first game of the series, only to lose Kawhi Leonard in the third quarter. Since he’s been gone, the Warriors have outscored San Antonio by 73 points and the series has gotten out of control. There’s too many Splash Brothers, too much splashing, and the series has turned into a flood. It’s gotta especially sting Coach Pop that it’s his own apprentice, Mike Brown, leading the broom brigade. Could they rally to win Game Four? That sounds like a crazy fantasia to us.
The Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam Award: For best performance by a Jonas. This goes to Jonas Jerebko, who put up 10 and 5 off the bench in Game 3, including two clutch three-pointers. He also threw Kevin Love to the ground, though Jerebko shouted “That’s a 3D Concert Experience!” at Love as he fell. Because he thought it was a flop.
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