The Mini-Mulligan: Why America needs Coach K
Mike Krzyzewski had a rough month. He came back from back surgery only to lose in the second round to seventh-seeded South Carolina. Grayson Allen keeps kicking people. Harry Giles and Jayson Tatum are turning pro after one year at Duke. And to make things worse, Roy Williams and North Carolina won another national title – more titles than Coach K and Duke have since Roy came to Chapel Hill. Does Coach K need a mulligan?
Honestly, no. No one is calling for his head. There is not yet a thundering noise of stomping boat shoes as future investment bankers storm the dean’s office to demand a firing. The Cameron Crazies are still drinking the Coach Kool-Aid as they camp out for season tickets in the expensive tents their dads bought them. If the team continues to disappoint, maybe we’ll see some pressure, but right now there is hair to gel, floors to slap, Tucker Max books to re-read.
But a mini-mulligan? He could use one. Losing early in the tourney with a team stocked with future first-round draft picks is rough. Note that we didn’t say “future NBA stars.” Coach K coaching definitely prepares players for getting drafted in the NBA; just not necessarily succeeding. Just look at Trajan Langdon, or Nolan Smith, or Shelden Williams, or Jahlil Okafor. Kyrie Irving is one of the best players in the league – probably because he only played eight career games for Coach K, thus avoiding that Singler/Scheyer stink.
He’s an acclaimed, famous coach, but Mike Krzyzewski has remained at the top of his profession by recruiting the top Caucasian high school players in America, motivating them, and occasionally calling plays. Duke teams play hard, foul efficiently when they’re trailing, and get lots of calls. His biggest upset ever was when Duke beat UNLV – and he did it with three future NBA lottery picks, plus the son of an NFL player.
Coach K is also famously undefeated in international play – coaching perpetual basketball underdog, the United States. Only with the steady leadership of Coach K could an NBA All-Star team defeat a powerhouse like Serbia in the Olympic final! His ingenious strategy – “Never take Kevin Durant out of the game” – was unstoppable, as was his bold decision to play Paul George over Harrison Barnes in crunch time. Sadly, he’s losing that job, as USA Basketball decided to replace him with some jabroni named Gregg Popovich. Most troubling of all for Mr. Krzyzewski is that people are starting to question how a 70-year-old man still has a full head of jet-black hair.
How is Coach K going to recover, and how will he fill the void in his summers without Team USA? First, he needs to make more six-figure motivational speeches about how coaching at Duke is like being a CEO, or how to slap the floor of success or whatever. Then he needs to recruit a few more McDonald’s All-Americans to play for one year, and start training Grayson Allen’s replacement. Luke Kennard had the right kind of complexion and facial punchability, but he’s going to the league. Maybe there’s a sharpshooting white point guard in the Midwest somewhere who looks exactly like a young Steve Bannon. If the recruit hesitates at all, go ahead and promise him unlimited sunscreen to seal the deal. Then sit back, yell at some referees, and cruise to an undeserved #2 seed. And cash those Nike checks, baby!
It’s not like announcers have ever stopped worshipping at the altar of Coach K, so this mini-mulligan might be unnecessary. Now that it’s Master weekend, Jim Nantz has already forgotten everything about the tournament this year. No one ever remembers all the times that Duke lost to way less talented teams. Like when Duke lost to Lehigh. Or Mercer. Or VCU. It doesn’t matter. Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas have a Pavlovian response to Coach K – they see a sweaty white point guard take a charge against College of Charleston and immediately start drooling uncontrollably. He’ll be fine! And also, America needs him right now.
These are some of the most divided times for our nation in almost a century. People are blocking lifelong friends and beloved relatives on social media due to politics. There are massive public protests every single weekend. Our president displays open disdain for the press and the government itself. The Senate is nuked the filibuster (note: “filibusting” is not something that happens to your bracket when there’s a lot of upsets.) The one thing that can bring us all together? Rooting against Duke.
We need Coach K. We need the most privileged white in the history of white privilege. In the midst of an obesity epidemic, the aerobic activity of leaping off the couch and shouting at Coach K could literally save lives. Sons who haven’t talked to their estranged fathers in years will pick up the phone to complain about Grayson Allen tripping everyone. Cousins who can’t have a civil conversation about health care for more than 30 seconds can spend hours debating whether Coach K looks more like a rat, or a weasel, or a vole.
People say March Madness is great because of Cinderella teams, but no one really cares about Butler or Wichita State. The key is really the Cinderella’s stepmother teams: the powerhouses that get a comeuppance when the clock strikes midnight. Honestly, Cinderella is just a maid who got a makeover – the wicked stepmom is a an epic figure, whose daughters play the game the right way. Duke is what Nietzsche imagined when he wrote about the “Uberdog” in his famous NCAA Tournament treatise, “Thus Spoke Billy Packer.” (This was the same book where he controversially stated “God Shammgod is dead.”)
There’s simply nothing like seeing a man with five national titles, three Olympic golds, and a multi-million-dollar shoe deal losing when a mid-major team you’ve never heard of gets hot from three. And he never, ever takes it well. America needs his scrunched-up face, his profane referee tirades, the sweat beading below that unsettling-dark hair.
Are millions of people losing their health coverage? Yes, but at least we can all enjoy how angry Coach K gets when Jayson Tatum loses his man in pick-and-roll coverage. Is our economy collapsing? Yes, but so is Luke Kennard, and gobs of spit are dropping out of Coach K’s mouth, just like the Dow. Imagine how well a “One Shining Moment” made up entirely of Duke failures and Coach K’s reaction would do – we’ll call it “One Whining Moment.”
So give Coach K a mini-mulligan. Coach K will be coaching long after Harry Giles has washed out of the NBA, after Jabari Parker’s last piece of knee cartilage is gone, after the lacrosse team’s inevitable next scandal. He’s a legend. There may be more hateable coaches, but let’s be real: Steve Alford is getting fired real soon.
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