The best names in college hoops

The college basketball season is getting into full swing, and it’s time to learn some of the most important names to pay attention to this year; not the best players, or the NBA prospects – literally the best appellations attached to college basketball participants. Only some of the players on this list are superstars, but they all have superstar names. 

Here are the 15 most mellifluous, ridiculous and vigorous names for players hooping it up in 2018. And believe us, it was hard to limit the list to only that many — when Dhamir Cosby-Roundtree can’t even earn an honorable mention, you know it’s a great year for names.

Honorable Mentions 

First, we want to recognize some great names that didn’t quite crack the top 15. There’s Fatts Russell of Rhode Island, who weighs only 165 pounds. There are evocative basketball-related names like Sincere Carry of Duquesne, Jock Perry of St. Mary’s and Immanuel Quickley of Kentucky. (He’s very fast.) Remy Martin of Arizona State could have a lucrative endorsement career ahead of him, as could Tyler Cheese of Akron. New Williams is in his second season with Fresno State, so he might need an updated name, while Frankie Ferrari of San Francisco, Jazz Johnson of Nevada and Sammy Friday IV of Siena should probably plan a casino heist together if they haven’t already. 

Prince Ali of UCLA is a genie with the ball, Walter Whyte of Boston University is the one who knocks, Bol Bol’s game is so nice that he was named twice, and Chancellor Barnard of Binghamton has a job in academia if hoops don’t work out. These are all great names that barely missed the cut. 

So without further ado, here are the best 15 names in college hoops.

Unique McLean, UMass: He’s a sophomore guard for UMass and the only player in the NCAA with his first name, obviously. The only thing more unique than his first name is his prodigious dunking talent.

Seventh Day’Vonte Woods, North Carolina: Woods wears No. zero at North Carolina, because No. 7 would be a little on the nose. God may have rested on the seventh day after he created the universe, but Woods is playing quite a bit in the Tar Heels backcourt, alongside…

Leaky Black, North Carolina: Born Rechon Malik Black, Leaky Black has already played all five positions his freshman year, thanks to his lanky frame (he’s 6-foot-7 and 185 pounds). And “Lanky” is his other family nickname! He’s Lucky he wasn’t a latchkey kid or the nicknames would never stop coming.

Shizz Alston Jr., Temple: In high school, he was Levan Shawn Alston Jr., but at Temple, the dynamic senior guard and team captain has always been Shizz. He had a career-high 31 points this week, and if he keeps scoring like that, Temple is going to the Big Dance. Fo shizzle.

Tacko Fall, UCF: Tacko Fall is a center for Central Florida who stands a whopping 7-foot-6 — which means that a taco that fell from his height would surely be destroyed. Fall’s full name is Elhadji Serigne Tacko Diop Fall, he’s an engineer with a 4.0 GPA and despite his need to consume 7,300 calories per day, it doesn’t seem like tacos are part of his diet.

San Antonio Brinson, NJIT: A forward for the New Jersey Institute of Technology, San Antonio Brinson sounds like he could be an Old West gunslinger. Or maybe his parents had a feeling he’d grow up to be 6-foot-8 and wanted to get him on Gregg Popovich’s radar early.

Pookie Powell, La Salle: The redshirt senior guard is currently a graduate student at La Salle, and Pookie is not a nickname. Apparently his grandmother though he looked like a “pookie” after he was born, and that became his legal name. We don’t know what a pookie is, aside from a fantastic basketball name.

Jamuni McNeace, Oklahoma: “Jamuni McNeace” is a euphoniously named center at Oklahoma — pronounced “Juh-Money.” According to Fran Fraschilla, McNeace will be getting his money as a professional someday.

Zaquavian Smith, Savannah State: Zaquavian “Qua” Smith is a guard at Savannah State, his third school in three years — probably because those schools can’t handle the absolute majesty that is his name. “Zaquavian” could be the name of a Babylonian king and not just that of a guy who got buckets at South Georgia State.

Shabooty Phillips, Longwood: He was born Lorenzo Phillips, but everyone calls the Longwood point guard “Shabooty.” That’s appropriate, since he was mentored by Rafer “Skip to my Lou” Alston while growing up in Houston. This year, the referees seem to respect his game more, so Shabooty is finally getting some calls.

Phlandrous Fleming Jr., Charleston: Phlandrous Fleming is such a beautiful name, that, of course Phlandrous Fleming Sr. would want to pass it on to another generation. Phlandrous Jr. is a guard at Charleston Southern, where he’s making everyone fall in love with his game. Ironically enough he has low assist totals, which means Phlandrous needs to start spreading it around more.

Pauly Paulicap, Manhattan: Pauly Paulicap is a power forward at Manhattan College who has seven brothers and sisters. None of them even has a name starting with “P," much less the beautiful combination that is Pauly Paulicap. It’s basically a double-double in name form, which may have inspired Paulicap to log five of them himself last year.

Admiral Schofield, Tennessee: It should come as no surprise that Tennessee forward Admiral Schofield’s father was in the Navy. Schofield currently anchors the Volunteers; intimidating defense, where in the lane, he’s about as tough to move as an aircraft carrier. Schofield has a brother named O’Brien Schofield, who won a Super Bowl with the Seahawks, and a little brother named, what else, General.

Justinian Jessup, Boise State: Cowboys guard Justinian Jessup is a sweet-shooting guard with an amazing combination name. His first name is a Byzantine emperor, his last name the same as Jack Nicholson’s Marine colonel in "A Few Good Men." Justinian waged war on the Western Mediterranean, Colonel Jessup ordered the code red, and Justinian Jessup got into a fight against New Mexico last year. This year, he, with his world-class name, is doing damage from behind the three-point line instead.

Quinndary Weatherspoon, Mississippi State: He’s twice been second team All-SEC, but he’s first-team All-Name in our books. “Quinndary” and “Weatherspoon” flow together so smoothly that the whole name is a gorgeous, five-syllable poem, more concise and more beautiful than a haiku. He’s the only Quinndarry in the world, as far as we can tell, and his brothers are basketball players, too — named Nick and Brandon, because their parents wisely didn’t bother to try and match the glory of Quinndarry.