20 movies millennials inexplicably like

“All children, except for one, grow up.” Those words, or words to that effect, begin J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan. It feels fitting as an open remark here, as we can’t imagine anything but nostalgia leading to fond feelings for what is perhaps Steven Spielberg’s worst film (which includes 1941). The cast is great, led by Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman. The execution falls entirely flat. Shout “Rufio!” at us all you want. We aren’t budging.

At least The Witches, a source of nightmare fuel for many young millennials, has some panache. It’s decidedly weird. Hocus Pocus is not bad but is thoroughly mediocre. We would have forgotten it entirely if not for the inexplicable love emanating from ‘90s kids, which earned the movie an entirely unnecessary sequel premiering on Disney+ in September 2022.

Banality, thy name is Remember the Titans. This facile, feel-good sports film is about as generic as it gets. And yet, for years, any football player with long, blond hair probably got the nickname “Sunshine” thrown at them. Hey, just because it killed some time when a sub put it on during your eighth-grade English class doesn’t mean it’s good.

Hey, every few years, a new crop of teenagers emerges, and they have their minds blown by a “trippy” movie. Then, you grow up and realize that the movie in question doesn’t hold up in any way, shape, or form. Unless you are some millennials still clinging to the idea Donnie Darko is anything other than a self-satisfied mess.

In the 1950s, melodramas — sometimes called “women’s pictures," sometimes called “weepies” — were all the rage. They were also heavy-handed and overwrought, though a director like Nicholas Ray might occasionally deliver one that stands the test of time. If you want a more modern take on that genre, check out some of the work of Todd Haynes. If you want a mediocre bit of treacle (or to see Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams kiss in the rain, which, hey, fair enough), watch The Notebook.

Juno warns you! It warns you! Diablo Cody’s script pulls no punches from the beginning, letting you know you are in for an obnoxious movie where characters talk like no human being because, if people talked like that, they would be getting yelled at to shut up every waking moment of their days. There are bad movies, then there are aggravating movies, and Juno is the latter.

Personally, 90 percent of the films ever made with Judd Apatow’s fingerprints on them qualify as overrated. Superbad takes the cake, though. The popularity of this awful comedy baffles me. There was a lot of talk in the promotion for the film that Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg had started writing when they were 13. No kidding! It plays like a movie written by two 13-year-old boys, and that is as far from a compliment as we can get.

Perhaps this movie is the equivalent of the Dead Milkmen song “You’ll Dance to Anything,” a provocation made from a place of contempt. This is a romantic comedy about two awful people who are awful to each other but get together in the end anyway. And you are supposed to be happy about it? And for a lot of millennials, it worked.

What is it with millennials and mediocre movies about witches? A sleepover favorite, The Craft is the kind of film you should grow out of. If you haven’t, we can’t help you. We don’t know any spells that can do it because we haven’t memorized The Craft.

Twilight is polarizing. It gets as much love as it does hate. As such, we feel no need to pile on. There is nothing to add to the rhetoric. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have become quite good actors. Twilight is a bad movie.

Shrek is a meme favorite, not just for millennials but for Gen Z. The first film? Pretty good! The rest of the movies? Not so good! Any affinity for Shrek 2 and beyond is questionable. Honestly, the memes are rather played out, too.

Robin Williams is back. Hey, Mrs. Doubtfire and Jumanji deliver what they promise. Flubber, on the other hand, was never good. Liking it in 1997 as a kid was a sign of questionable taste, and now, it’s even more puzzling.

Space Jam is bad. It’s that simple. We’re tired of hearing anybody try to argue otherwise. The discourse surrounding the Michael Jordan vehicle when the belated sequel came out has sapped us of our energy related to the topic. It’s a bad movie. Always has been, always will be.

In the 1990s, Will Smith starred in a great sci-fi movie where he battled aliens. That film is Men in Black. Independence Day, though, is a mediocre movie with a couple of good set pieces and not much else. It was a huge hit, and seeing the White House blow up back in 1996 was cool. Now? We can acknowledge all the flaws in Roland Emmerich’s film.

In time, the Harry Potter movies got good because they got better directors. The first film is pretty rough. Daniel Radcliffe and company were super young and had bad kid-actor habits. Plus, Chris Columbus is a workmanlike director, lacking the substance and style to make this movie stand out.

Borat became annoying after it was quoted to death. Napoleon Dynamite was always annoying. The movie is obnoxious, a pebble in your shoe in movie form. It’s so self-satisfied with its aesthetic, even though it’s total trash and not impressive.

Yeah, people poke fun at Garden State. However, it made $35.8 million from a $2.5-million budget for a reason. Many millennials were charmed by the movie, listening to the Shins and what have you. The film was always a very vanity project, though. Sorry, Zach Braff.

There are some pretty decent kids' movies from the 1990s. Inexplicably, The Sandlot seems to be the most popular of the bunch. Why? It’s not good. It’s not funny. It has that A Christmas Story vibe but in a baseball film. That is not a compliment.

Even the presence of Rick Ducommun can’t save this silly comedy. A kid gets a blank check and ends up living a life of luxury. He also maybe woos a grown adult woman? Is this supposed to be some sort of wish-fulfillment fantasy? Blank Check is a total misfire deserving of no affinity.

You know what ‘90s kids movie starring Christina Ricci is better than expected? That Darn Cat! Oh, and the Addams Family movies have their charms. Casper is mediocre. It puts the “C” in Casper. That’s not bad, but any millennial still talking up the quality of this film is being haunted by the ghost of nostalgia.