Billy Crystal was so desperate to get rid of raccoons that he peed on his garden

The Kelly Clarkson Show has a segment called "Epic Story Time," and Billy Crystal delivered when it was his turn for Thursday afternoon's episode.

The 73-year-old actor, comedian and filmmaker unraveled a seven-minute winding tale about the raccoons who once drove him to desperation after consistently and ruthlessly destroying his garden before his daughter's wedding. Crystal got so desperate, in fact, he peed all over his garden.

"I'm really angry, so I got on the internet to see raccoon deterrents," Crystal said. "What can you do to deter a raccoon? And they say, 'Get coyote urine.' ... So, Kelly, my luck, I'm out of coyote urine. I don't know how that happened. Must've been the holidays."

Crystal learned that raccoons are scared of coyote urine because coyotes are a threatening predator.

He continued: "So, I think, if they're scared of a coyote, they'd be terrified of me. So, I peed in the garden. Every place I possibly could. And I'm an older man now, so it took me about 45 minutes or so to get everything covered."

The raccoons were not deterred, however. The ultimate fix was the most obvious fix from the start: Crystal called someone named Trapper Joe to humanely catch the raccoons and release them back into the wild.

Crystal, who returned to directing after a 20-year hiatus and co-starred with Tiffany Haddish in new film Here Today, also dispensed marriage advice and recalled practicing comedy bits on students as a substitute teaching during his time with Clarkson. Watch it all below.