No fear: The least terrifying movie monsters

Primarily, this list will avoid monsters that are not really intended to be scary. However, we wanted to make an exception for this dynamic duo. Mike and Sulley are the main characters in “Monsters Inc.,” as well as “Monsters University.” While their job is to scare children, they are designed not to actually be scary to the audience. Randall Boggs, on the other hand…

Now, in the “Ghostbusters” cartoon, Slimer, aka Onionhead, is a friend of the Ghostbusters. In the film, though, he very much is not. He’s a real menace to hotel patrons in New York, and he slimes Venkman. However, beyond sliming, he doesn’t do much, and he isn’t the threat of, say, Gozer. Also, owing to special effects at the time, Slimer can look a little silly.

The horror-comedy “Gremlins” spawned many imitators.” While the gremlins themselves were funny, they were also scary, even if sunlight could kill them. The imitators got more and more iffy, though, and “Munchies” really took the sting out of the conceit. Also, in what is surely a total coincidence, the editor of “Gremlins” directed “Munchies.”

Look, the mutated rabbits of “The Night of the Lepus” are many in number, and they do kill. Were a bunch of killer rabbits on the loose in real life, we would not exactly be chill. In terms of movie monsters, though, they are, you know, rabbits. It always feels just a bit silly. Maybe Monty Python is to blame for that.

Rabbits aren’t scary, but at least they can move around. In “The Day of the Triffids,” they had to invent a type of plant that could walk, and also happened to be carnivorous. And yet, to make things scary enough, they also had a meteor shower blind most of the people in the world for good measure just to give the plants a leg up in this battle.

This is the one exception we are making for a made-for-TV movie. Plus, this SyFy original was released on DVD and Blu-ray, and “Sharktopus” spawned two sequels. All that being said, “Sharktopus” is also produced by Roger Corman, and did we mention it was made for SyFy? Yeah, this shark/octopus hybrid looks goofy as all get out.

The mummy that went up against Brendan Fraser? That guy is scary. However, if we go back to the Universal monsters, and the original “The Mummy,” let’s be real. The dude may be back from the dead, but he’s wrapped in bandages and he’s super slow. That’s not exactly spooky. Even zombies at least know how to use teamwork to be scary.

There are elements of the Blob that are scary. It can kill you, and it grows with every living thing it consumes. Scary! On the other hand, in terms of visual terror, the Blob is…a blob. It looks like congealed jelly. Plus, you can freeze the Blob and that’s that.

Frankenstein’s Monster is sometimes more of a tragic figure, though other times he is a movie monster who looks scary and has some penchant for violence. Herman Munster is not such a version of Frankenstein. Hey, did you remember Rob Zombie directed a “Munsters” movie? Yeah, weird. The whole game with Herman is that he scares people because, well, he’s a Frankenstein, but he’s actually just a jovial gentleman.

We are of the opinion that the movie version of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is better than the show. Of course, that’s because it’s silly fun. It’s not exactly a big-budget offering. Many of the vampires look goofy. They look like extras in an ‘80s music video being asked to “be scary.” Instead, it’s just funny.

The couple of “Goosebumps” movies they made with Jack Black as R.L. Stine? Unexpectedly enjoyable! Many “Goosebumps” baddies are in the mix, but Slappy the Dummy emerges as the main villain. However, he’s also a ventriloquist dummy. Plus, the character is one of those villains who likes to crack quips, which ramps up the funny, but pulls back the throttle on scary.

Werewolves fall into the “monsters” category, even if ‘80s teen comedies. Michael J. Fox is a teenage werewolf (baby), and he mostly uses it to make friends, get girls, and be awesome at basketball. Plus, he rides on top of a van! Although, you know what’s the real scary thing? Vehicular negligence. Think about it.

We enter the “MST3K” corridor of this article. They got to “Robot Monster” early, which made sense, as it was already considered one of the worst movies ever. Also, it’s only 66 minutes, so barely a movie, which made it easy to fit into the show’s runtime. Ro-Man is an alien robot, but in actuality, he’s a guy in a gorilla suit with a space helmet on his head. You can never take him seriously, and – spoiler – in the end the whole thing turns out to be a dream, which really cuts into Ro-Mans’ resume as a killer alien robot.

In the 1950s, the Atomic Age was making all sorts of things giant. Sometimes, you got a “Them!” or “Godzilla” out of the mix. Other times, you got “Attack of the Giant Leeches.” In addition to being relegated to one body of water in the Florida Everglades, would you believe the budget on this Corman movie was low? Reputedly, the leech costumes were made either from raincoats or garbage bags.

Man, if you were watching “MST3K” in 1992, you were in for a bad-movie-monster treat. One week after riffing on “Attack of the Killer Leeches,” Joel and the bots got to “The Killer Shrews.” This time, the monster creation is quite clear. Either the shrews are obvious hand puppets, or they are clearly dogs in the cheapest “shrew” costumes imaginable.

By all accounts, Vic Savage, who produced, starred in, and directed “The Creeping Terror,” was a real nut. He clearly had no clue how to make a movie, or craft a movie monster. The monster…seems to be a rug? Yeah, we’ll go with rug.

OK, so we technically have two “Gremlins” rip-offs on this list, but we had to include “Hobgoblins.” One, it is at the center of one of the best “MST3K” episodes. Two, cheaper puppetry has rarely been featured in film. The hobgoblins look laughable, but that’s great for “MST3K.”

Based on the “Fouke Monster,” an Arkansas version of Sasquatch, the original docudrama horror film “The Legend of Boggy Creek” actually was fairly well received. Then, several years later, the director of that film Charles B. Pierce decided to direct a follow-up, and also write it and star in it and give his son a key supporting role. This time, Pierce ended up with a film that landed on “MST3K.” The Legend of Boggy Creek turns out to have a kid, and they both have the look of a Halloween store costume.

Hey, sometimes a killer’s blood ends up in a gingerbread man, and said cookie comes to life and starts killing people. And maybe he’s voiced by Gary Busey and looks quite a bit like him as well. Now, to be fair to the folks behind “The Gingerdead Man,” they seem to have some sense of how silly it all is. Even so, they do play up the horror movie elements too, and on that front, the Gingerdead Man looks ludicrous.

Godzilla has fought some imposing enemies. Even with somewhat-limited special effects and all the clear “guys in rubber suits” moments of many of the Godzilla movies, most of the monsters we’ll let slide. Not the Smog Monster (aka Hedorah), though. We’re all for environmentalism, but this heavy-handed…to call it a “metaphor” would presume a subtlety the film lacks entirely, combined with the absurdity of the “Smog Monster” conceit gets it a spot here.