Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Pure Livid

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6.5/10 – Took 70 minutes for Kasper to field the ball with his hands, which resulted in a clutch then a sprightly piece of alert creativity with a 40-yard throw to send JK on his way to create the second, killer goal. Capped a focussed afternoon of experienced keeping with a fine tip over to maintain the clean sheet.

JACKIE MAC – 6.5/10 – ‘Not ready yet’? Whit? A man who stopped the corrupt lot’s Ten? Who’s resurfaced nearly three decades later, his consciousness transplanted in the body of an agile left-footed Asian full-back?Not ready? – Jackie was born ready. And resurrected ready…One blip aside, this new bhoy impressed like in the close-season as a perfectly-capable SPL stand-in for KT. Mobile, smart, crisp with his passing and not afraid to give the myopic, sleekit MIBs a mouthful of sinister Yakuza intentions.

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 –  A born Celtic warrior. Battering around and getting battered. The perfect foil for SPL jobbers’ thuggery and a fine experienced head to throw in when needs must. No fear about Tony going to Outer Jibrovia on Tuesday and seeing us through.

GREAT – 6/10 – Another competent outing from the youngest Dane in the side. Still afflicted by the ocassional youthful lapse in concentration – too much TikTok… – but recovered his own mistake today with a terrific goal-saving tackle, earning him plaudits from the keeper he knows as ‘Dad’.

OF JUSTICE – 7/10 – The Barndarigg Beckenbauer, The Ginger Baresi, The Wicklow Wonder… Now, The Gaelic Godfather as he takes the skipper’s armband and maintains a 100% record…Haters gonna hate because they’re easily-triggered crowd think automatons, but Liam HAS stepped up when the pressure’s on and threw in another fine display of defensive nous, cover, organisation and a bit of passing range. Captain composure.

THE TERMINATOR – 6/10 – Plenty of ‘nearly’s with Arne and this outing too was shaping up to maybe define his new-season reputation. There was dynamism and courage about the bhoy; willing to drop, take, get involved, dictate. Just found his edge fading slightly and the final ball sharpness lacking at opportune moments.

SAINT BERNARDO – 6/10 – Lacking match-time in those legs, the ‘Swarthy Calmac’ was able enough, sitting in the Skip’s role. Kept the door firmly closed on Livi counter ambitions and trekked around the middle with quiet effect.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 4/10 – Not a good Luke; big chance; poor display. Off his passing, turning over possession, timing flawed, getting knocked about and finally kicked out of the game by a rogue-ish advertising board; won’t be ordering FC26 for his Playstation anyway… One to forget.

NEGAN – 7.5/10 MOTM –  All long limbs and frustration for about half an hour then his rhythm clicked and we got a sense of why 2 million may seem a bargain. Had them on toast throughout the second half, becoming the
difference-maker we required to get the points with another two goals to put him top-scorer. Half of everything the Zombies own will be his soon (see what I did there, Walking Dead fans?).

YING – 7/10 – Another late starter, yet when he came alive after measuring up their full-back, along with Negan, we began to open the cracks into fissures; only denied an opener by a flaming wonder-save from a keeper seemingly able to teleport. Eventually, Yang’s persistence paid dividends as he pinged in a shot leading to the crucial first goal. His positivity and direct intent was match-winning.

FEIN – 6.5/10 – What the hell is going on here? A striker prepared to put in the yards, move like Jagger, create space and find space? What a novelty. And, surprise, surprise, he’s another Japanese devotee of inspirational teamwork. Deserved a goal himself, but very encouraging to watch.

SUBS –

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – Daizen comes on to warm-up for Tuesday, brings an edge, gets an assist and now won’t stop running until Tuesday midnight.

JAMESY – 5.5/10 – So eventually Jamesy appears and we score more than once, know what I mean? Coincidence, I think not…

KENNY JOHNNY – 6.5/10 – That’s how to make an impact. Haircut by Cleetus R. Redneck, but feet by Speedy Gonzales; instantly in about them with intent and rewarded with a fine finish. Looks sharp.

MELLOW YELLOW – N/A – Young Blackadder gets a deserved home debut after his summer exploits.

CALMAC – N/A – “Don’t get injured, don’t get injured, don’t get injured…” Phew.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – So to priorities…Gave us a raft of changes, alarming to many, but the CL is the main event. And if you’re a Celtic squad player surely you’re A) good enough to take on Livi, and B) ready to impress with your big opportunity. To The Brodge’s relief, most of his deputies were able and ready, some enlighteningly so. And certainly will have given him reasons to be cheerful and even to review his own assessments amid the current simmering chaos backstage. Now, look to the big match you’re well-paid to navigate Celtic through. Get the job done.

MIBBERY – 4/10 – Missing blatant jersey-tugs, underhand thuggery, clear yellows, and tolerating soul-crushing time-wasting antics. All in a day’s masonry for the circus clowns in charge.

OVERALL – 7/10 – Well, got to give the Bhoys compliments on a cohesive victory with the number of changes. Upon the return of Davy Escobar to Paradise after a suspended sentence of a year in Championship rehab, you knew Livi would try and bludgeon their way to a point and you knew we were going to have to break that down like the DEA and the CIA did with the Martindale Cartel ‘s mansion doors.*

Took a while for the afternoon to catch fire – the most excited onlookers must have been Glasgow City Council
shanks, ready to pin a congestion charge on Livi. But we got there in the end, with the bonus of witnessing
two strikers on show whose combined mobility, determination and invention eclipsed everything we’ve seen from big Idah all season. If it’s a meritocracy, Tuesday’s line-up will be interesting.

Just go win it, Bhoys.

*Only kidding, Davy. Don’t send the Enchilada Twins round…

Go Away Now

Sandman