The Academy Awards...but for sports

There's a flood of candidates for Best Actor this year, awarded to the player who exaggerates contact most egregiously. The field includes:

Defending champion James Harden, who participated in a ground-breaking double flop with Jae Crowder during the playoffs.

LeBron James, who made his case as the flopping G.O.A.T. with two blatant dives in the playoffs.

Marcus Smart, who tried to out-flop LeBron in the Conference Finals.

But the winner is Neymar Junior of Brazil, who had a World Cup full of dives, grimaces, and occasionally actual contact. His tour de force came against Serbia, where he rolled so hard exaggerating his non-injury against Serbia that he turned himself into a meme.

The Oscars honor the nest animated films of the year, while we are more interested in animated players: the most enthusiastic, effusive athletes of the year. Nominees:

Yasiel Puig: The baseball playoffs were a huge showcase for Yasiel Puig of the Dodgers and all of his bat-licking, dancing enthusiasm. Now he's been traded to Cincinnati, where Skyline chili should fuel even more antics.

Jimmy Butler: Jimmy Butler's most intense performance this year didn't come in a game, but on the practice court in Minnesota, when he screamed at his teammates and team executives, led a team of reserves to a victory, and demanded Karl-Anthony Towns post him up. He didn't particularly inspire his team, but Butler did force a trade to Philadelphia.

Winner: Carolina Hurricanes: The team has begun increasingly elaborate victory celebrations like "the limbo" and "human bowling," infuriating commentators like Don Cherry, who called them, "a bunch of jerks." But the Carolina Hurricanes aren't backing down, and in fact started selling "Bunch of Jerks" shirts on their team site.

For the sport event that could have benefited from leaving something on the cutting room floor.

NBA Season: NBA action is undoubtedly fan-tastic, but did we need 82 regular-season games and two months of playoffs just to tell us the Warriors were the best team?

Le'Veon Bell's holdout: After the Steelers placed the franchise tag on star running back Le'Veon Bell, he insisted he wouldn't play again without a long-term contract. And while there were rumors he'd come back for Week 1, then after the bye week, Bell sat out the whole season and the Steelers missed the playoffs.

Bryce Harper's free agency: Baseball's slow free agency period – and possible collusion – meant that Manny Machado didn't sign with San Diego until mid-February, and at Oscars time, Bryce Harper still hadn't signed anywhere.

Winner: World Series, Game 3: The Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Dodgers battled for 18 innings in Game 3 of the World Series, before Matt Muncy ended it with a home run. It went 7 hours and 20 minutes, which is longer than "A Star Is Born," "Roma," and "Bohemian Rhapsody," combined, plus all the nominees for Best Animated Short.

The real Academy Juvenile Award hasn’t been given out since Hayley Mills got one in 1961, but it works for our purposes to honor the best young performer in sports.

Jayson Tatum: Won the Skills Challenge and the Rising Stars Game MVP, and was in approximately 157 trade rumors. He’s so young!

Trevor Lawrence: Freshman quarterback Trevor Lawrence won the starting job in Week 5,  one week before his 19th birthday. He proceeded to go undefeated and win the national championship in a dominant, MVP performance over Alabama.

Juan Soto: Rookie Juan Soto of the Washington Nationals hit 22 home runs, drew 79 walks, and slugged over .500, all at the age of 19.

Winner: Kylian Mbappé: Mbappé became the only teenager to score a goal in a World Cup Final since Pele, and dominated France’s win over Argentina, scoring two goals and drawing a penalty in the box that led to a third. 

For the most unique scoring play of the sporting year.

Odell Beckham Junior, Quarterback: No offense to Eli Manning, but the best quarterback on the Giants roster may have been wide receiver Odell Beckham, Junior. He found Saquon Barkley for one TD against Carolina, but his pass to Russel Shepard was even better, with OBJ faking a run and then throwing the ball 50 yards in the air, without his feet set.

Bears Ride "Santa's Sleigh" To The End Zone:  During their upset win against the Rams, the Bears ran “Santa’s Sleigh." They threw to an offensive lineman Bradley Sowell for a two-yard TD, on a play which featured four defensive linemen and six offensive linemen.

Steph Bounces an Alley-Oop: Steph Curry threw one of the best passes in All-Star Game history, slamming a bounce pass high over Kevin Durant's head to a high-flying Giannis Antetokunmpo for a dunk. Special commendation to Joel Embiid for getting the play started with a half-court underhand pass to Curry.

Winner: Miami Miracle: The Miami Dolphins needed to scored a touchdown from their own 31 with just 7 seconds left. After three laterals, they managed to get into the end zone, thanks to some creative defense from tight end Rob Gronkowski. The score cost the Patriots home-field advantage in the playoffs, not that it mattered.

This award goes to the best sporting song of the last calendar year.

Vegas Golden Knights: The new NHL franchise was known for its elaborate pre-game videos, but the most dramatic was the "Flight of the Valkyries" intro before the Stanley Cup Finals.

LeBron James and Kevin Durant - "It Ain't Easy":  During the 2011 lockout, Kevin Durant and LeBron James went into a Cleveland recording studio and put together a track called "It Ain't Easy." Under mysterious circumstances, the track finally surfaced this year, proving that hip-hop is not easier for either one, but just like in the Finals, Durant comes out on top.

Philadelphia 76ers: The catchiest NBA team song is the 76ers' "12345 Sixers," a disco anthem from 1975 that was reborn as the team's 2018 Playoffs soundtrack. They should keep it this year, because after trades fro Tobias Harris and Jimmy Butler, Philly is stacked from 1-5.

Winner: Alex Song, Sion: Cameroonian midfielder Alex Song endured a nightmare year playing for Rubin Kazan, a Russian team that first made him live at the training ground, and then stopped playing or paying him. Thankfully, he made it out and onto Swiss team Sion, and he still remains the best Song in sports.

To the player, city or organization that provided the most memorable celebration following a championship.

Warriors spend $500K on booze: Were the Warriors jaded after a third title in four years? You wouldn't know it for the reported half million ownership spent on alcohol for the championship parade. That didn't keep Jordan Bell from taking a bottle of Hennessy from a fan along the route.

Red Sox fans throw beer cans: During the Red Sox championship parade, Boston fans couldn't stop throwing beer cans at their own players. We think it was out of love, and hope that the players got as drunk as them, but one can hit manager Alex Cora, and another damaged the World Series trophy.

Clemson players channel Suge Knight: After winning the national championship, Clellin Ferrell quoted Suge Knight while his teammate gave Dabo Swinney a wet willy. Pretty effective recruiting.

Winner: Alex Ovechkin: When the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, Alex Ovechkin was a one-man championship parade. He had so many adventures with Lord Stanley's Cup – he took it to Russia, to a Nationals game, for a swim in the fountain, and he also filed it with champagne, and did a keg stand into it. He loved the trophy so much, he even took it to bed.

Alec Baldwin is a former Best Supporting Actor nominee and a former Oscar host, but he's perhaps best known for a voicemail he left his daughter, Ireland. So the Alec Baldwin Award honors the worst call by a referee or official all year.

Kevin Durant goes way out of bounds: In a hotly contested game against Houston, Kevin Durant saved a loose ball, leading to a Warriors bucket. On replay, it was clear he took FOUR steps out of bounds saving the ball, which is four steps too many. The basketball gods intervened, and James Harden followed it with an impossible game-winning three.

Mexican League Umpires Blow A Call: In a Mexican League game, a batter clearly swung and missed, yet the home plate umpire called it a ball. When the catcher appealed, the first base umpire confirmed the terrible call. Later, both umpires were suspended for the season.

Winner: NFC Championship: On a third down with less than two minutes left, Drew Brees threw a pass to TommyLee Lewis, who got obliterated by Nickell Robey-Coleman. It was also a helmet-to-helmet hit, but went uncalled. Instead of icing the game, the Saints kicked a field goal and eventually lost in OT. It was such a bad call, fans filed lawsuits, but unfortunately court cases are not subject to video review.

The Academy Awards only honor Best Directors, but we are going to acknowledge the worst directors: the coaches who made the worst decisions in the sports year.

Craig Counsell: Facing the platoon-heavy Los Angeles Dodgers in the NLCS, Milwaukee Brewers manager Craig Counsell tried to exploit this by announcing a fake starter for Game 5. He had left-hander Wade Miley start, who walked the first batter and was immediately replaced by a right-handed reliever. But having replaced his starter after one batter, Counsell then left his reliever in way too long, and the Brewers had nothing to show for their chicanery but a 3-2 series deficit.

Frank Reich: Colts coach Frank Reich went for it on 4th down, with time running down in overtime, and did not get it. There was very little upside to the gambit, with the Colts in their own territory, and the effect was to essentially handed the rival Houston Texans their first victory. They might have fired their coach; instead, Houston won the division.

Jon Gruden, generally: Jon Gruden got a ten-year contract to coach the Raiders, and proceeded to trade the team's best defensive player, All-Pro Khalil Mack, and then go 4-12. The Raiders got outscored by a whopping 177 points on the season, and Gruden has roughly $90 million left on his deal.

Winner: Jim Boylen: Jim Boylen took over for Fred Hoiberg for the Chicago Bulls, and immediately became a tyrant. Players had to run wind sprints during two-hour-plus practices, sat through endless film reviews, and were benched en masse by Boylen twice in one game. Within a week, he'd caused a near-revolt, the team was booed off the court twice, and Boylen was scrambling by forming a player "leadership committee." He is currently 9-25 as a head coach.

The Oscars recognize short films; we are recognizing short players.

Tarik Cohen, Chicago Bears: The Bears' Tarik Cohen stands only 5'6" tall, but he still recorded 71 receptions, fifth among all running backs.

Tony Kemp, Houston Astros: 5'6" Tony Kemp played four positions for the Astros last year, and was a big contributor in the playoffs. Unsurprisingly, he drew a lot of walks.

Winner: Kyler Murray: 5'10" Kyler Murray disproved the idea that quarterbacks have to be tall, leading Oklahoma to the College Football Playoff and winning the Heisman Trophy. In fact, he was bold enough to turn his back on a baseball career and enter the NFL Draft.

This award goes to the player who's not the star, but who supports the stars in important events.

Nathan Eovaldi: There's being a team player, and then there's pitching six thankless innings of relief in Game Three of the World Series. His teammates couldn't score a run for him the whole way, and Eovaldi lost his chance to start Game Four. Hopefully, he can console himself with a World Series ring.

Klay Thompson: Klay Thompson injured his knee in Game 1 of the NBA Finals, then came back and played 45 minutes. For the series, he shot 43% from three-point range and played lockdown defense during Golden State's sweep. That's why Klay considers himself the G.O.A.T. of "living my best life."

New England Patriots Defense: Tom Brady won his sixth Super Bowl ring in a game where he didn't play particularly well. Instead, his defense stymied Todd Gurley, harassed Jared Goff, and held the vaunted Rams offense to a field goal in a 13-3 win.

Winner Donte DiVincenzo: Donte DiVincenzo didn't start the national championship game against Michigan, but he dominated it. The "Michael Jordan of Delaware" scored 31 pints on 10-15 shooting, with five three-pointers. He made layups, he dished out assists, and he delivered two blocks on his way to earning Most Outstanding Player in the Final Four – without starting a game.