The 28 craziest ballpark foods for the 2017 season

Fans of the bloody mary know that the reason the drink is so great is that you not only get a delicious cocktail, but most of the time an entire meal as garnish. Target Field went the extra mile here, topping its bloody mary not just with meats and cheeses, not just with a slider, not just with a stick of celery, and not just with a buffalo chicken wing, but with all of the above. 

This monstrosity, presumably invented after a hungry Astros fan was watching a "Before and After" puzzle on "Wheel of Fortune" while eating fried chicken, has been a mainstay at Minute Maid Park for years. It's not hard to see why — chicken tenders, hot sauce and mashed potatoes are always tasty, and the waffle-cone food delivery system means that you won't need a tray. Well, until you take that first bite and the whole thing crumbles into your lap.

Oh god. There's a lot going on here. Two burger patties, slathered with not only cheddar cheese slices, but also melty Merkts cheese, and then, as if that weren't enough, the whole thing is topped with "Chi-Town Pico," which appears to be a mix of pico de gallo and giardiniera. If that's not your style, you can always get the bacon on a stick.

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that are best. The Orioles must know this, given the fact that they're offering a hot dog that is standard in every single way — except for the gigantic, super-thick slab of bacon on top.

In case you really, really wanted your baked potato not just loaded, but as fully loaded as Herbie the Love Bug (how's that for a reference?), Reds fans will be able to enjoy theirs topped with a healthy (figuratively, not literally) portion of buffalo chicken, celery and blue cheese.

One-pound burgers aren't just for "Man vs. Food"-style eating challenges anymore. The Grand Slam Burger comes with four patties, four slices of cheese, "gooey" sauce and fixings. You can't spell cardiac arrest without 'Cards (kind of)!

I'm not sure if any visiting Quebecois would see this and recognize it as poutine, but by replacing fries with churros, cheese curds with ice cream, and gravy with hot caramel sauce, the mad geniuses at the Rogers Centre have created an insane dessert that I really want to eat right now, actually.

Take my word for it, somewhere under that pile of pork, cheese, aioli and long hots is a bed of East Coast-approved boardwalk fries. Personally, I like to imagine what would happen if some lucky fan caught a home run in this dish — preferably in slow motion — as delicious bits of meat and fries kaleidoscopically fly into the air.

If you're a fan of the Detroit Tigers' Class A Minor League Baseball affiliate West Michigan Whitecaps, boy do I have some news for you. They recently held a fan vote to help decide on some new menu items for 2017. And though the items are still under consideration, one of the contenders was this... thing, a tube of fried bubblegum that appears to be filled with frosting. You can see the rest of the entries here, and trust me, you'll want to — if only to see the deep fried, Dorito crusted peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Vegan food doesn't have to be dry and flavorless anymore. This Big Mac-inspired burger from PNC Park will reward vegan fans with a sumptuous meatless patty slathered in special sauce, topped with bread and butter pickles, tomatoes, and lettuce.

For the past two years, the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers have held a contest where fans can submit their culinary creations to the team, and the winner is added to the menu when the season begins. left to their own devices, well... this is why we can't have nice things. 

The Dinger Dog is a bacon-wrapped frank topped with nacho cheese, fried onions and barbecue sauce. Hopefully they have defibrillators over at Fox Cities Stadium.

At first glance, this sandwich seems pretty tame. Steak, shrimp and vegetables on a roll? Yeah, makes sense — especially for Red Sox fans. The reason this makes this list is that when you look closer, it's a weird hybrid — both a kebab and a sandwich. See that skewer there? It confuses me. Why is it there? Why not just remove it? Or if you're in love with the skewer, why put it in a roll? I don't understand.

From afar, this gustatory delight probably looks like any other ham and cheese sandwich, albeit on a particularly toasty pretzel bun. Get closer, however, and you'll realize that that dark-brown shell around the baguette is not simply the beautiful egg-washed color of a pretzel bun, but a protective, delicious layer of bacon armor.

I can't stop laughing. I mean, I know that it probably tastes great, that the mac 'n' cheese is creamy and luscious, and that the bratwurst is smoky and rich, but the presentation of the "Macaroni with a Brat" dish is just... amazing. They didn't even bother to slice the sausage! I almost wish that they stuck the bratwurst in vertically, kind of like a flag.

OK, now this is more like it. Look at that bratwurst in the background, eyeing this hot dog wrapped in a burger patty wrapped in bacon strips with jealousy. Incidentally, this monstrosity isn't even all that expensive. It'll run you just under $9 (a steal for stadium food). That said, it'll cost you in other ways; it clocks in at a belt-busting 890 calories.

This is not a patty melt, and I can't even find the pulled pork. That is not what this sandwich should be called. I'm very confused. This eldritch horror of baseball stadium food is, in actuality, a pulled pork sandwich (oh, there it is, under the bacon) topped with fried onions, bacon and cheese, sandwiched between two funnel cakes. And then they throw a fried jalapeno pepper on top, because if you're ordering something like this, you deserve all the gastrointestinal stress you're going to get.

No true roundup of insane ballpark foods would be complete without at least one dish that features just a whole bunch of stuff piled on top of fries or tater tots. Red Sox fans can look forward to enjoying their fries topped with fresh lobster, cheese curds, bisque in lieu of gravy and a liberal sprinkling of chives, so you can at least try and look classy while you're shoveling food down your gullet.

This might not be as heartburn-inducing as the rest of the options here, but it is nonetheless surprising that the hipper Dodgers fans out there will be able to get themselves an honest-to-goodness poke bowl at a baseball game.

I'm wondering if they're calling it the Dodger burger because you'll have to dodge a coronary after you eat it. Yes, baseball fans, that is a burger topped with barbecue sauce, two hot dogs and onion rings.

I'll go ahead and spoil it right now — no less than five of 2017's wildest offerings come from the home of the Arizona Diamondbacks. If the Chicken and Waffle Cone wasn't your style, stroll on down to Chase Field and try the funnel cake chicken sandwich, complete with cheese, a tangy chutney, dipping sauce and a light sprinkling of powdered sugar — as if the sandwich wasn't already over-the-top enough.

Despite its punny name, this Wrigley Field creation will attempt to court hipsters and slider lovers alike by creating a bite-sized pulled pork sandwich on a steamed bao bun.

Much like the pulled pork patty melt, for the Diamondbacks' chicken enchilada dog, a sane name belies an at once horrific and awe-inspiring creation. The ingredients here are straightforward: cheese, sour cream, seasoned chicken, tortilla strips and salsas, but that's almost beside the point. I mean, look at it. If the D-Backs run out of baseball bats, they could sock one of these in the freezer for a few hours and just use that.

Don't worry, vegans! You too can enjoy bad-for-your-body-but-good-for-your-soul insane ballpark food! Chase Field (of course) has the Sonoran vegan burger on offer, which comes complete with vegan pepper jack, vegan chipotle mayo, guacamole, soy chorizo, cowboy caviar dip, all atop a gigantic vegan burger patty. 

This dish will not answer the question of whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich, but it does do its best to ask its own new questions: Namely, is a hot dog a taco? Should a hot dog be a taco? What mad genius decided to put taco meat on top of a hot dog and then put it in a tortilla?

This isn't ice cream. Don't be fooled. Everyone knows that cookies are best before they're baked, and apparently somebody thinks that Mets fans will agree.

This appears, to my eye, to be an ice cream sandwich made with chocolate babka and rye bread. I'm not sure what is inherently Washingtonian about this, but what I can tell you is that my mouth is watering and I should probably move on before I drool all over my keyboard.

At first, this might seem like a pretty standard try-hard, over-the-top ballpark dish. In a post-Horse Collar Sausage world, are apple pie nachos really all that crazy? Well, in a word, yes. Sure, the cinnamon sugar chips and apple pie filling are standard, as is the whipped cream topping, but… There's no other way to say it. That orange stuff that looks like cheddar cheese? It is cheddar cheese. 

I'm not even sure I really need to tell you why this is insane. It's a chocolate churro, in a hot dog bun, covered with ice cream, cookie crumbs and strawberry syrup. As an added bonus, after eating this, your hands will be sticky enough to snag any foul ball that makes its way into your section.