BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Charles Oakley slams the phone — and his opponents — down

Dear Mr. Oakley,

Congratulations on your playing debut in the BIG3 this weekend. You delivered just about everything we could expect from a 54-year-old Oakley: relentless trash talk, hard fouls on literally every play and jumpers where it looked like you were throwing a medicine ball at the rim. Calling your shots bricks is an insult to hard-working masons and third little pigs everywhere. You were about as accurate as J. Jonah Jameson editorial about Spider-Man. If your outside shots were a Janet Jackson song, they’d be “Miss You Much.”

You called to dispute the flagrant foul call, saying it was “some soft-ass bullcrap.” The refs whistled you for the flagrant after you backhanded Al Harrington during an out-of-bounds play and knocked him to the ground. You said that wouldn’t have even been a regular foul during the '90s, and we respectfully disagree. That’s a foul in any era of basketball and comes perilously close to violating the Geneva Convention. While we appreciate that you cited experts, Anthony Mason and John Starks aren’t exactly unbiased observers. Keep in mind that you weren’t ejected from the game. The BIG3 would never kick out Oak! We are a respectable, well-run basketball organization! What do you think we are, the New York Knicks?

While we believe that, at 54, you might still be the most fearsome player in the BIG3 (well, besides Ivan Johnson), the problem is you are also easily the slowest. It’s hard to maintain a “no layups” philosophy when you can’t move fast enough to foul the guy at the rim. However, once Ice Cube launches his 50-and-up two-on-two league — the BIG2 — you’re going to be the first overall pick.

Flagrantly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

LaVar Ball vs. Ice Cube

Dear Mr. Ball,

We were shocked — shocked — to see the results of your four-point shootout with Ice Cube. When we saw that you were taking the court against the league commissioner, we figured that Cube had no chance against a man who could beat Michael Jordan one-on-one. This contest was shooting from distance, and you trained Lonzo Ball, who you said was better than Steph Curry. You had free rein to shoot as much as you wanted, like LaMelo going for a record or really, in any of his high school games. Plus, you were wearing a $60 Big Baller Brand shirt, the best high-performance 40 percent polyester T-shirt available. It should have been a wrap!

Imagine our surprise when you lost and then called the hotline to complain about the officiating. You said you made a four-pointer that was credited to Ice Cube, which is clearly false based on the video. Just because you celebrated the make doesn’t mean it’s actually yours! We are absolutely shocked that you, LaVar Ball, would take credit for someone else’s accomplishments just because you happened to be near that person at the time.

Not only did you complain, but you demanded that the referees be replaced. Also you said that LeBron James’s kids would never make a four-pointer, that LiAngelo could beat up Charles Oakley, and that the “real BIG3” was Lonzo, LaMelo and LiAngelo. Nevertheless, we would have returned your call, but the callback number you left was a Big Baller Chat Line that costs $9.99/minute.

Still, we are happy to see you supporting the league, and if you want to back up any of that big talk, tryouts for the 2018 BIG3 season are just eight months away! Think about it: BIG3 Baller Brand could be huge!

Ballingly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline 

Brian Cook vs. Chauncey Billups 

Dear Brian Cook,

Congratulations on your impressive game on Sunday! Your personal 13-0 run electrified the crowd and dragged your team back into the game. That one stretch of BIG3 action may be the most points you’ve ever scored at Staples despite playing for the Lakers for four years. On the strength of that performance, you notched the second-best net rating in the entire league. And then Chauncey Billups benched you for the rest of the game, which, despite your claim, was not a blocking foul.

You used a colorful noun ahead of “blocking,” but the point remains the same. No matter how questionable it seemed for Mr. Big Shot to sit his most effective player in favor of a rageaholic 54-year-old who shot like a drunken Continental soldier with a rusty blunderbuss, that’s not illegal. Yes, you would be within your rights to question the judgment of a man who benched a scoring machine for a foul machine and traded outside shots for cheap shots. This is a man who turned down an NBA GM job to coach a two-win BIG3 team. But it’s not against the rules of the BIG3!

And to answer your other objections, it also wasn’t “out of bounds” or a “double-cross dribble.” But yes, Charles Oakley did commit an illegal touching violation. And also illegal punching. And we think he may have been wearing brass knuckles. So cut Chauncey some slack — Oakley knows where his family lives.

Cautiously yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline 

Fans’ Patience vs. BIG3 Referees 

Dear Fans,

We all appreciate you coming out to support the BIG3 at the Staples Center, but we strongly object to claims that the games were unnecessarily long. The integrity of summer three-on-three basketball is crucial, which is why there were five extended video reviews during the afternoon. How are the officials supposed to keep track of the fast-moving BIG3 action without the help of multiple video angles? There’s only FIVE refs, after all!

Now, do we need as many mandatory timeouts as the NBA? Do we need to take long, extended breaks for TV timeouts, even though the games are shown on tape delay? Do we need to have snail races at halftime of every game? Yes, yes and yes. For our money, there’s no more exciting or crowd-pleasing halftime song than “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,” and,yes, we will be doing that in all the playoff games.

The BIG3 is already a great, affordable, family-friendly entertainment option, and frankly, we want people to get the most value per-hour as possible. That is why next weekend in Seattle is going to last seven-and-a-half hours. You’re welcome, fans!

Painstakingly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline