NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Blake Griffin is roaming

Dear Blake,

We wanted to thank you for your lovely goodbye call, though we want to assure you that they still have phones in Detroit. They have TVs, they have computers, they have electricity, and drinking water. Well, the last part is getting better at least. And while we aren’t terribly familiar with the improv schools of Detroit, we are fairly certain that you won’t have to start at the 101 level again. We would however recommend that you take some time to settle in before pitching Coach Van Gundy on your improv streetball project, the Yes-And-1 Tour.

To answer your other question, it is not illegal for the Clippers to trade you. Yes, they put you on a T-shirt with Nelson Mandela and Gandhi. Yes, seven months ago they talked about making you a Clipper for life, with your jersey retired. But as he is wont to do, Doc Rivers called “backsies” before you signed your contract. It’s the same thing he did when DeAndre was going to sign an offer sheet with Dallas in 2015 – he called backsies before Mark Cuban could yell “locked for life.” It’s not illegal, but it is pretty crappy.

But we think you’re going to love Detroit. Think of yourself as a reverse Axel Foley, moving from Beverly Hills to Detroit, getting into all kinds of hijinks and culture shocks. If you miss your pal J.J. Redick, well, there’s a slow white Duke guard who shoots threes here, too! Are you worried about not having an overpaid guard that no one likes now that you’re separated from Austin? Meet Reggie Jackson. Your old friend Reggie Bullock is here, and this time he actually plays in the games! Coach Stan’s high voice is much easier to understand than Doc’s throaty rasp. And to help you adjust, your new center has agreed to go by “DeAndre Rummond.” Plus you are not going to believe how easy it is to make the All-Star team in the East! It’s like taking candy from an assistant equipment manager!

Disloyally Yours, NBA Referee Hotline
 

Kenny Atkinson 

Dear Coach Atkinson,

We appreciate your apology for charging Tony Brothers during the Timberwolves game. Though it doesn’t excuse your actions, it was sweet of you to say that the officials “do a great job,” but we do take issue with you blaming fatigue for your outburst. Yes, NBA teams can be tired at this point in the season, but you guys are professionals! Yelling at the refs shouldn’t be exhausting you! That’s why we are recommending the Skiles Workout.

The Skiles Workout is a comprehensive, full-body workout for the frustrated NBA coach. Scott Skiles developed this program during one of his work “sabbaticals,” when he found his yelling muscles were falling out of shape. Plus he’d been kicked out of every gym in his town for berating personal trainers. Here are the core principles:

S: Stomp. Attach fifteen-pound ankle weights for shuttle runs in the coaching box, taking care to stomp your feet heavily with each step. K: Kick. Kick everything – a heavy bag, chairs, doors, walls, water coolers, ball boys, anything. I: Interval Training. Instead of one long tirade, yell for shorter intervals, more often, at higher intensity. L: Loosening. Don’t neglect the smaller muscle groups! Build hand strength by tightening and loosening your necktie, which will open up the larynx for louder shouting. E: Energy drinks. The only Bulls Scott Skiles will endorse are Red Bulls. S: Self-Awareness...is for losers. Avoid this.

The Skiles Workout guarantees you’ll lose ten pounds – or your NBA head coaching job in the first month. Assist yourself – Skiles Style!

Cardiovascularly Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Kevin Love 

Dear Kevin Love,

We wanted to clarify that this hotline is for genuine questions and complaints about officiating. It is not for calling in sick from games or practices. Not only is it the wrong venue, but your performance was thoroughly unconvincing. Your coughs were very obviously fake, your tiny “I’m sick” voice was inconsistent, and your symptoms were pulled word-for-word from the WebMD page for black lung disease. Also you panicked and said you’d get a note from “Dr. Love,” which is both a KISS song and your own last name.

As a result, we are requesting a closed-door conference call so we can clear the air, but mostly yell at you. We are inviting your teammates and coaches on the Cavs, plus your old teammates on the Timberwolves, plus the Uncle Drew makeup artists, plus Beach Boys adjunct drummer John Stamos. LeBron isn’t going to participate, apart from sending passive-aggressive texts to the whole group and reaching way down to hand Isaiah Thomas his phone like he’s a tiny child.

We hope that this is a lesson about being a good teammate, respecting the hotline, and drinking your chocolate milk. It’s OK to ask for a day off – just don’t throw it in everyone’s face. Also, we want to pre-emptively say, we don’t need a doctor’s note or disgusting photos of your broken hand. We believe you. For now.

Distrustfully yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Devin Booker 

Dear Devin,

Thank you for you remorseful call, apologizing for shoving Enes Kanter. We always appreciate a thoughtful explanation from one of our team’s young stars. And we know that playing for a losing team is difficult and stressful. However, when you have a run-in with one particular player, you really don’t have to get into that much: It’s Enes Kanter.

Kanter has a long-running, one-sided feud with LeBron James. Last year he got into it with a folding chair. He’s still acting like he’s on the OKC Thunder despite them trading him away, and he’s the only NBA player to have beef with an authoritarian dictator. Of course you shoved Enes Kanter! Playing against Enes Kanter is a constant struggle to avoid slugging Enes Kanter!

Devin, the next time Enes is bothering you, just walk away. And block him on Twitter. And Instagram. And don’t answer the phone for any unfamiliar numbers. And avoid any stores near Madison Square Garden that sell mustache wax.

Cautiously Yours, NBA Referee Hotline