NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Doc Rivers cancels his family plan

Dear Glenn,

We checked the language closely as per your request, and no, the collective bargaining agreement does not have any provisions for putting your son up for adoption. We aren’t even sure how that would work: Austin is 25 years old and a legal adult. Even if he was adopted by another family or, we guess, another NBA coach, his contract would still be on the Clippers’ cap — you know, the $36 million contract you gave him.

You also aren’t allowed to hold back his “allowance,” because that is an NBA paycheck. You could put him on restriction but only if it’s a minutes restriction, and if you ground him, that just means you have to start Sindarius Thornwell. Is that really punishing Austin, or is it punishing everyone who has to watch the game? With all your injuries, can you really afford to make Chuck the Condor your backup shooting guard?

In addition, we saw your comments blaming Lonzo Ball for Blake Griffin’s knee injury, and we feel those were inappropriate. You’re no longer the Clippers' team president! Only a president can take cheap shots at the Ball family as a distraction from his failures!

Familially Yours, NBA Referee Hotline

David Fizdale

Dear Coach Fizdale, 

We wanted to give you some clarification on why you were fired. You see, Mike Conley’s injury has torpedoed this team. He missed 26 games two years ago, suffered a broken back last year, and that’s why the Grizzlies are firing their training and conditioning staff. 

Wait, no, they’re staying. Oh, it’s the draft. You see, the last four first-round picks from Memphis are Tony Wroten, Jordan Adams, Jarell Martin and Wade Baldwin IV. Baldwin has already been released. The Grizzlies picked Hasheem Thabeet No. 2 in 2009 and the year before traded Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo. That’s why the Grizzlies are firing their director of scouting.

Wait, sorry, he’s also keeping his job. It’s probably all those contracts. Chandler Parsons signed a four-year max deal last summer and may have been the worst player in the NBA last year — when he could even play. Brandan Wright played 40 games in the first two years of his deal, and he’s hurt again. Mike Conley has $126 million left on his contract. That’s why the Grizzlies are firing their general manager. 

Wait, he’s staying? Really? How? Well then you must have been fired because your owner really likes firing coaches — and because Marc Gasol told him to. 

Don’t Rook Us! NBA Referee Hotline

Gregg Popovich 

Dear Coach Pop,

First, thank you for the wonderful bottle of wine you sent accompanying your apology call. However, we are concerned with your recent belligerence. That’s two ejections this month! You’re using unacceptable foul language, you’re being far too confrontational and, most shocking of all, the Spurs are still third in the conference without Kawhi Leonard. And your explanation does not hold water.

It’s simply unbelievable that you “thought the ref was a sideline reporter.” First of all, the ref is clearly in uniform and not holding a microphone. Refs don’t do interviews mid-quarter either. But also, we wish you would treat the officials like you treat reporters — using very few words and getting away from them as quickly as possible. A good exercise is to visualize all of the refs wearing loud, bright-colored jackets, so you treat them with the same respect/disdain as you do the sideline reporters.

We have a theory about why you have been so agitated. Sure, the Western Conference has gotten tougher, sure you haven’t had Kawhi and, sure, it must drive you crazy to watch LaMarcus Aldridge shoot from six inches inside the three-point line every single day.

Encouragingly Yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant 

Dear Russ and Kevin,

We are writing back to both of you because passing messages back in forth is getting ridiculous. Kevin, you called to insist that you shouldn’t get fined for trash talking Russ because you don’t care, and we should tell him that. Then Russ called to tell us he was sure Kevin was mad, but that he himself was laughing and thinks it’s funny. Then Kevin called to say he also thought it was hilarious, it was so dumb and he cared even less — and Russ wears dumb outfits. Then Russ called and said to tell “the cupcake king” that he can’t believe how mad Kevin was and… well you get the point.

Is this going to keep happening every time you two play each other? It’s getting really tedious, especially when Kevin calls and talks about himself in the third person. Kevin, you have to remember to use a burner phone when you do that, not your own cell. Everyone knows it’s you! Both of you have wonderful teammates you should focus on instead of this feud. Russ, have you gone hat shopping with Melo yet? And Kevin, have you secretly recorded Nick Young saying embarrassing things even once this year?

Get over it, you two. Or actually fight! We promise we won’t suspend either of you — but tell Zaza and Steven Adams they have to stay on the bench.

Thunderously Yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Joel Embiid 

Dear Joel,

We appreciate you calling up with health updates, though that’s really not our department. First, you told reporters you were at “69 percent” conditioning, and then you trolled Jalen Rose by saying you were at 81 percent. But as per your request, we have come up with a few more numbers for you to use.

You could say you’re at 88 percent — “shouts to Marty McFly” — though you might want to save that for a game where the Sixers wear throwback uniforms. “94 percent and firing away like John Starks” is perfect for rubbing salt in the wound after defeating the Knicks. And if Nick Lachey ever comes to a game, obviously you’ve got to go with 98 percent.

Still, we think you should save this bit for when you get named to the All-Star team and finally get a chance to date your famous crush. That’s the point when you break out the big guns. Shout out another dominant center from Philadelphia, and say your conditioning is at “20,000%, just like Wilt.”

Conditionally Yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Blake Griffin 

Dear Blake,

We got your call, and we’d be happy to write you an absence note so you can leave the Clippers to film "Space Jam 2." Look, we aren’t sure the sequel will do well at the box office, but it can’t be as big of a disaster as this Clippers season, so go for it. You're already shelved for a while with an MCL sprain, so it shouldn't take too much convincing.

We also have a pitch for "Space Jam 2" if you’re still working on the script. Our hero, “Drake Griffin,” is an ordinary KIA salesman who gets beamed into space. There, he joins a basketball team with Pepe Le Pew, Henery Hawk, Speedy Gonzales and more — you know, the less popular Looney Tunes characters. Kinda like the Clippers in L.A.! They’ve got to play against a bunch of aliens who have stolen Chris Paul’s talent. Honestly, they’re pretty undersized, but they’re so good at flopping, the Looney Tunes guys keep fouling out. And Michigan J. Frog is amazing in practice, but he can only dunk when just Drake is watching.

The off-brand Toon Squad comes back, thanks to a heroic effort off the bench from comedian Joe Mande, and at the dramatic conclusion, Drake Griffin faces his greatest challenge yet: passing a routine physical.

If you like it, feel free to use the ideas, and I’m sure we can add a part for Kendall Jenner, too. We just want five points on the gross, 2 percent of merchandise sales and Kevin Hart’s autograph.

Cinematically Yours, NBA Referee Hotline