Tankapalooza: Winners, losers of the NBA's race to the bottom

Tankapalooza is dead. Long live Tankapalooza! With a weaker 2019 draft class and more even lottery odds coming, this season may have presented the low-water mark for tanking. Teams were running themselves aground even before Halloween, but remember, Tankaplooza is a long process, a monument of failure built brick by brick. Especially for the Orlando Magic, who missed 19 three-pointers per game.

The quest for the worst record took twists and turns, even into the season’s final day. So let’s look back at the Tankapalooza’s slap fight to the finish, to see whose G Leaguers were the most awkward, whose coaches the most shameless. Because as any Shirley Jackson fan will tell you, the lottery is brutal.

WINNERS

Phoenix Suns: There were teams with less talent. There were teams with worse coaching. There were teams who had more injuries, and sat out more healthy players. But the Phoenix Suns were the NBA’s finest tank column, start to finish. They were last in offensive rating, and last in defensive rating. They lost the season opener by 48 points. They fired their coach three games into the season, and suspended their best player the same day for tweeting "I Don't wanna be here." Three weeks later, they traded Eric Bledsoe for Greg Monroe. By the time they released Monroe, they were a poorly-oiled machine, capable of breaking down anywhere. They lost ten games immediately following Monroe’s release, then lost 15 straight after that. For the entire months of February and March, they won one game. Winning in the NBA often comes down to desire, and in the 2017-18 season, nobody wanted it less than the Phoenix Suns.

The Suns hit rock-bottom at the perfect time. By finishing dead last in the NBA, they earned a 25 percent chance at the No. 1 pick, plus a a 21.5 percent shot at the No. 2, and 17.7 percent for No. 3. Next year, they’d only have a 14 percent chance at each. Plus, they’ll have to start trying to win eventually or they’ll ruin Devin Booker. They also clinched the worst record with a game to spare, so kudos to them for displaying more hustle than usual.

There’s a drawing on Friday which could make this week extra sweet for Phoenix. The NBA breaks ties for draft order by random drawings for teams with the same record, like Miami and Milwaukee, who both potentially owe Phoenix their first round pick. They get the Heat pick (from the Goran Dragic trade) regardless, but the Bucks’ pick (from the Eric Bledsoe deal) is protected 1-16. Meaning, if the Heat win the drawing, the Suns get No. 16, and Milwaukee’s No. 17 goes to Phoenix. If Milwaukee wins, they keep No. 16, and Phoenix gets it next year, when Giannis Antetokounmpo is a year older, a year bigger, and a year more dominant. The Suns also got a 2018 second-rounder in the deal, but it’s protected 31-47 – meaning Milwaukee just barely keeps it, since their GM is apparently psychic.

Dallas Mavericks:  They kept the brake to the metal down the stretch, losing their last four straight and 12 of their final 14 games to tie for the NBA’s third-worst record. Some of these were real beer-gut-checks: losing to a squad of Orlando Magic G-leaguers, running their offense through Aaron Harrison and Dorian Finney-Smith to lose in overtime against the Pistons, and losing to the Phoenix Suns, at all. They’ll go into the offseason with a high pick, one more year of Dirk, and plenty of cap space. We hear DeAndre Jordan could be available...

Chicago Bulls: The tank was revved up once the team decided to deal Jimmy Butler and buy out Dwyane Wade in the summer, but it started rolling even before their first game when Bobby Portis put Nikola Mirotic in the hospital. They were headed to the cellar, when a poorly-timed three-game winning streak almost rocketed them to the top of the tanking pile. Coach Hoiberg managed to wrong the ship, and they finished weak with a four-game skid, including two crucial losses to Brooklyn that let them slip below the Nets. Now they’re 6th-worst, and are likely to pick no worse than 7th. That’s where they got Lauri Markannen last year, and they seem pretty pleased with that. And though it’s been 20 years since the Bulls won it all, no one in Chicago is sweating it after the Cubs went all the way.

The Bulls also deserve special commendation for the most minutes played by a terrible lineup. Their combination of Kris Dunn, Justin Holiday, Denzel Valentine, Markannen, and Robin Lopez was outscored by six points per 100 possessions, and yet it was easily their most common lineup, playing over 500 minutes together. That’s just over ten full games of suck! Of course their second-most common lineup, with Jerian Grant in for Dunn, was even worse, and they played nearly 200 minutes.

Cleveland Cavaliers: The Cavs were probably hoping for a top pick when they got Brooklyn’s 2018 first-rounder in the Kyrie Irving deal. But Brooklyn was better, threatening to reach the 30-win mark. So even though the Cavaliers had an outside shot at the three seed, they wisely rested their entire team against the Knicks, effectively throwing the game. That meant the Knicks would finish one game ahead – and one lottery slot below – the Nets, and the Cavs nearly doubled their chance at a top-3 pick. Which they’ll then trade for whoever LeBron tells them to get.

DeAndre Ayton : Ayton’s childhood was to make big money playing basketball in Arizona. And now that he’s already done that in college, he might as well move the 100 miles to Phoenix and play for the Suns.

LOSERS