The NBA playoff matchups of our dreams

This may not happen until the second round, but it’d be another classic matchup of Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, who betrayed the Thunder by leaving town. In the aftermath, the Thunder sent Enes Kanter, Victor Oladipo, Dion Waiters and Serge Ibaka out of town, because loyalty is a one-way street in the NBA. The Thunder are looking for revenge for the 2016 Western Conference Finals, for Durant leaving, for Zaza Pachulia falling on Westbrook and for California’s opposition to fracking. But there’s more.

KD vs. Russ: It’s the NBA’s greatest feud where one person pretends there’s no feud at all. Westbrook has scored 127 points against the Dubs this year; Durant has scored 126 in those games. They’ve split the series 2-2, and they won the All-Star Game together on Team LeBron. Durant has said publicly that he and Westbrook are cool, but his burner accounts tell a different story.

Draymond Green’s knees vs. Steven Adams’ privates: We may see a changing of the guard, as the role of clumsy enforcer for the Warriors has passed to Pachulia. With the Warriors’ surplus of awkward big men, don’t be surprised if we see JaVale McGee clotheslining Patrick Patterson or Kevon Looney giving Nick Collison a wet willy.

China Klay vs. Hoodie Melo: Carmelo Anthony is unstoppable when working out in a hoodie, while Klay Thompson is eminently stoppable but unbelievably charismatic when he’s in China. The games will be played domestically, in basketball jerseys, so both their powers will be neutralized. Unfortunately for Oklahoma City, American Klay is far superior to Tank Top Melo.

Charred Durant jerseys vs. soon-to-be-charred Paul George jerseys: Thunder fans torched and shot at their old Kevin Durant jerseys when he went to the Warriors, so this is the last time for them to wear PG-13 jerseys before incinerating them when he signs with the Lakers this summer. Although the more analytically inclined fans will burn Melo jerseys when he opts in to his $28 million deal for next season.

Houston-Los Angeles Clippers 

This is a potential 1-8 matchup that features teams that made a blockbuster trade and had an unprecedented locker room invasion. Since then, the prime instigator of the madness, Blake Griffin, was shipped to the basketbrawl capital of the NBA, Detroit. However, the Rockets probably still hate Austin Rivers, and Sam Dekker and Lou Williams still know the secret entrances to Houston’s locker room. 

A Rockets-Clippers showdown is important, because no matter what, either Chris Paul or the Clippers will not choke away a playoff series. One of them has to win! We’ve also got the alley-oop-off between DeAndre Jordan and Clint Capela, Milos Teodosic and James Harden’s dueling matador defense, and Boban Marjanovic’s field trip to the Space Center. Plus, if Tobias Harris hits a game-winner, he gets to take over Blake Griffin’s Kia commercials or his set at the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal.

Portland-Utah

The Trail Blazers and Jazz are two teams with great defenses that play in two of America’s biggest cities for polyamory, so everyone on the court — and in the stands — is adept at switching. The teams may not have a rivalry yet, but Salt Lake City and Portland certainly should. Portland stands for everything that SLC hates: coffee, beer, strippers and veganism — though they should find common ground in their love of the outdoors, loose-fitting plaid shirts and cheering for white players. No matter how the series goes, the Blazers could probably trick Utah into trading for Meyers Leonard, especially if they add random diacritical marks to his name to make him seem foreign. Both teams hate playing on Sunday, because it interferes with church and brunch.

Damian Lillard played his college ball at Weber State, so this is a homecoming for him. Half of the Jazz roster didn’t go to college at all, but doesn’t it feel like Ricky Rubio’s hair and beard are from Oregon? We’ll also get to see Jae Crowder face the guy who should have his three-and-D reputation, Al-Farouq Aminu, and we’ll see if the mythical “Derrick Favors” is a real player and not just an inter rumor/hologram.

San Antonio-Minnesota

It’s a rite of passage for emerging powerhouses to get their asses kicked by the Spurs. It happens to everyone: The Warriors, Cavaliers, Mavericks and Lakers all had to suffer a thrashing from Gregg Popovich before ascending to the NBA title. Now it’s time for Andrew Wiggins and Karl-Anthony Towns to visit the woodshed so they can come out older, wiser and properly terrified of leaving Manu Ginobili open at any age. 

Jimmy Butler’s coming back and Kawhi Leonard definitely isn’t, but that’s why the Spurs have Davis Bertans and Kyle Anderson. This is also the type of series where the NBA’s least exciting superstar, LaMarcus Aldridge, destroys younger opponents with a barrage of 21-foot two-pointers. Step outside the three-point line, LMA!

We’ll also see the clash in coaching styles between Popovich and Tom Thibodeau. Pop likes wine and fine dining; Thibs likes to eat beef jerky and chug Diet Coke as he watches film until dawn. Popovich likes to give his stars nights off during the season; Thibodeau likes to play guys 45 minutes on both nights of a back-to-back. It’s Team Rest vs. Team You Can Sleep When You’re Dead, OK? Plus, coach Pop will be going to Minnesota to campaign for the special election to fill Al Franken’s seat, so he might as well coach some playoff games, too.

Cleveland-Miami

Cavs-Heat will be billed as LeBron James facing the team he abandoned back in 2014, but the only players left from that team are Udonis Haslem and Dwyane Wade, who was LeBron’s teammate two months ago. And the fans he abandoned? Half of them already bailed on him before Game 6 of the 2013 Finals was over. Clearly, Wade can block LeBron at will, but can the plucky Heat really stop the King’s path to his eighth consecutive NBA Finals? Yes, but it will take a few things:

1. Kevin Love gets badly sunburned visiting South Beach
2. Khloe Kardashian attends every playoff game
3. George Hill freaks out when he has flashbacks of playing in Sacramento
4. Kevin Love’s sunburn gets slapped by Kelly Olynyk, knocking him out of three games
5. Bam Adebayo and Larry Nance Jr. get into a week-long dunk-off and miss most of the series.
6. The ball keeps slipping out of Kevin Love’s aloe-vera-coated finger
7. The referees call traveling

Even so, Miami probably can’t topple the Cavs, but the Heat might cause LeBron to lose a first-round game for the first time since 2012.

Boston-Washington

Last year, these two teams took turns dressing in black when they played the other because they were “funeral games” — the loser would be buried, and presumably Jeff Van Gundy would deliver a meandering, off-topic eulogy at their service before Mark Jackson interrupted to say, “St. Peter, there goes that man!” Of course, the Celtics lost Game 6 after going black, and the Wizards had a resurrection game. This year, if the Wizards get a closeout game, they should wear rumpled clothes soaked in beer and leave without telling the media for an Irish goodbye game. The Celtics should dress as the Balrog of Moria, because that’s who sends Wizards to their deaths.

It’s also a rare matchup of identical twins in the NBA playoffs, with Marcus Morris joining Boston to face his brother Markieff with the Wizards. Jason and Jarron Collins never squared off in their decade in the league, nor did Harvey and Horace Grant. The Morris twins will be tempted to do identical twin shenanigans like switching jerseys, doing each other’s press conferences or beating a guy up in the parking lot, but they’re committed to one thing: winning. Well, two things: winning, and getting their divorced parents back together. Straighten out their mess with togetherness, Markieff and Marcus!

Toronto-Milwaukee

Raptors-Bucks would pit the best team in the East against the best one-man team in the East. Toronto has a solid starting lineup and a strong young bench that goes 11 deep, whereas Milwaukee’s roster is so shallow the Bucks occasionally start 40-year-old Jason Terry. Toronto has two All-Stars and the second-best point differential in the league, but the Raptors don’t have the Greek Freak. 

Aside from LeBron, Giannis Antetokounmpo is the player who can most swing a playoff series by himself. He’s seven feet tall, dribbles like a guard, dunks like a thunder god and swats away shots like a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. He could win two playoff games by himself, which is also the number of games the Bucks coaching staff could lose by itself.

Philadelphia-Indiana

The Sixers are the famous “rags to riches” story in the NBA this year, but the Pacers are more of a “clothes from the Gap to bitcoins that surprisingly quadrupled in value” story. Philly didn’t want to be stuck at the eight seed, so the Sixers ditched their stars, gutted their team, lost for four straight years, and rode Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid to a three, four or five seed. Indiana was the eight seed last year, so the Pacers ditched their star, Paul George — and immediately rose to a four or five seed. The real process might be trading for the best young players whom Russell Westbrook won’t pass to.

This could also be a Thaddeus Young revenge series, as he returns to his old Philadelphia stomping grounds. “Stomping” in this case means winning two games in a first-round series broadcast on NBA TV. Thad could get his revenge, but if the Sixers win, Embiid gets a date with his favorite Indiana musician: John Cougar Mellencamp!