How The Grinch Stole From The NFL

Los Angeles Chargers

I may be jumping the gun here, but if I had to guess, the green guy is plotting to snatch Jesse Minter from the Chargers and plug him in at a coaching vacancy.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

It appears he has stolen their ability to play on offense. The team has not hit the 20-point threshold in three weeks. Luckily, they are in the NFC South, so hope is not lost unless you are New Orleans or Atlanta.

Cincinnati Bengals

Er, rather, Joe Burrow. It appears he may have stolen Burrow’s happiness and love for the game. In a press conference last week, Burrow candidly said, “If I want to keep doing this, then what am I trying to do with myself? You know, if it’s not fun, then what am I doing it for?” We do have to imagine he will find that spark once his team gets back to being more competitive.

Green Bay Packers

He has stolen two Pro Bowl-caliber ACLs in Tucker Kraft and Micah Parsons. I think the Grinch may hail from Chicago (lol). Right when they were launching into full-fledged December football, the Packers’ star edge rusher went down in a game against Denver last week. This greatly deflates fans as the postseason looms. Now, all the pressure rests on DC Jeff Haley to motivate his defensive unit to move forward without their pitbull.

Los Angeles Rams

Apparently, the monster stole years off of Matthew Stafford because the MVP frontrunner is playing like he is ten years his junior. He has all but closed in on the top seed in the NFC.

(P.S. This is my plea for the Grinch to stop by Puka Nacua‘s home and steal his Wi-Fi.)

San Francisco 49ers

Based on the little to no clout the Niners seem to publicly receive (despite having a quietly great season at 10-4), it looks like the Grinch stole all PR for the 3^rd place team in the dominant NFC West.

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones will definitely be paying the Grinch to steal Defensive Coordinator Matt Eberflus. He oversees a bottom-of-the-barrel defensive unit. Dallas ranks last against the pass, second-last in points allowed, and fourth-worst in total yards allowed (per Sports Illustrated). Owner Jones made some blunt comments that insinuate a potential departure of the DC sooner rather than later.

What are some other “things” the Grinch has taken from teams? Let’s hear your best! Shout us out on Bluesky or Twitter.