Paul Finebaum Hates America - Here's Why

America the Underdogs

Finebaum's exact same argument would have made Paul Finebaum a Loyalist sympathizer leading up to the American Revolution. And while Finebaum is certainly old enough to have met George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and the rest of them, America's chances of surviving the first winter, let alone winning the war were far slimmer than Tulane covering the spread against Ole Miss are.

But if Finebaum had been around to make this argument in the newspapers back in the 1770s, his response would've been something to the tune of "We don't need those people with gripes against the King. I don't really care about James Madison."

Switching the topic back to sports, here are just some of the historic upsets that have taken place in the United States and around the world that Paul Finebaum would never have allowed to take place in his perfect world:

• The Miracle on Ice: The United States hockey team were 20-1 underdogs with some people putting them at 1,000-to-1 to win the gold medal and upset the vaunted Soviet Union. Would Paul Finebaum have called for the US to simply stay out of the tournament and let the Soviets win?
• Super Bowl III: Joe Namath (Finebaum's longtime guest) led the New York Jets to an historic upset win over the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III that set the stage for the AFL-NFL merger (which likely saved both leagues from collapse down the road). Would Finebaum has supported the idea of excluding AFL teams from the Super Bowl as so many others did at the time? Would Finebaum have allowed the entire sport of pro football to suffer on the altar of keeping a massive underdog out of the biggest game ever?
• Buster Douglas def. Mike Tyson: Would Paul Finebaum have even let Buster Douglas step into the ring against Tyson? Or would he have preferred to see Tyson fight someone else since Douglas was a 42-1 underdog?
• Literally every NCAA tournament ever: UMBC, Fairleigh Dickinson, Saint Peter's, the 1983 NC State team, Loyola-Chicago, Villanova's 1985 team. These are all teams that went on historic runs with wins over heavy favorites in college basketball. Would Finebaum have allowed them to compete over some of the many big name schools that got left out of the tournament in those years?

Finebaum would, of course, state that he would support all of those great things happening. But now that he's made the nonsensical argument that underdogs shouldn't even be allowed to compete, he absolutely cannot be taken at his word.

If underdogs that have met every qualification to simply compete for something, they have the right to either lose on their own merit or attempt to spring an upset. They'll most likely fail, but America will root for them as they do for all underdogs. Because we are a nation that loves the underdog story.

But Paul Finebaum hates underdogs. The greatest achievements in American history have been achieved by underdogs. Therefore, Paul Finebaum hates what built America and by extension America itself.

Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire.