Suchat Pederson-USA TODAY Sports

Philly 101: How to ungrease a pole in five days

By Bruce Ewing | Last updated 2/13/23

Philadelphia’s loss to Kansas City in Super Bowl LVII leaves Eagles fans with many questions. How much money will QB Jalen Hurts get in a new contract? Who will call plays when offensive coordinator Shane Steichen leaves for Indianapolis to become head coach?

More importantly, who’s going to get the grease off all those poles?

For many years, city officials used cooking oil, specifically Crisco, to deter overzealous fans from climbing street lights to celebrate Philadelphia’s championship milestones. For a long time, this was never an issue. But recently this created two problems.

First, coating poles with cooking oil never really worked. Type the phrase "Philadelphia pole climbing videos" into Google and in .41 seconds, you’ll get thousands of entries about oil-soaked fans blissfully working their way up lampposts.

Grease the Poles….. #FlyEaglesFly #3WordSuperBowl pic.twitter.com/GS2iMFnmQ7
— Casey Mangano (@gimmesome_FINN) February 9, 2023

Also, science teaches us that oil and water don’t mix. Water is a polar substance. Oils and fats are nonpolar. That means you can’t simply wait for the rain to wash away the Crisco. One rolls right off the other. Maybe that’s why the city tried something new for Super Bowl weekend.

According to Market Watch, Philadelphia now opts for a "biodegradable solution" that is slicker and less messy. Unlike Crisco, "it washes off with rain or a hose and is safe to use," according to Joy Huertas, a city spokesperson.

So there’s your answer. This new "biodegradable solution" washes away easily with rain. Philadelphia has an 80% chance of precipitation Thursday. Problem solved. The Eagles should have had such an airtight plan against the Chiefs.

If you’re curious about the nature of this "biodegradable solution," it’s actually hydraulic fluid — "Bio-Bottle Jack" hydraulic fluid, to be exact. It's an eco-friendly product known to cause "little to no skin irritation."

That’s good. Then again, what’s a little skin irritation among Eagles fans?

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