Happy holidays, Patriots and Cowboys fans! After a week of action that seemed tailor-made to ensure a Super Bowl matchup between America's two most hated football teams, here we stand.
But hey, it's not quite New Year's yet, so let's not look that far forward. There were plenty of other newsworthy items both big and small from the Christmas weekend slate of games, so we've appropriately chosen Biggie Smalls music to help us explain the action to you. So cover the little ones' ears: this is the week in NFL news, as explained by Notorious B.I.G.
"Big Poppa" - Dontari Poe throws for a touchdown
Nobody thought this would happen, myself included. But apparently, for the Browns, Cali is a great place to visit. Thanks to a last-second missed field goal, the Browns earned their first victory of the season over the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers. In December.
No, I still don't really believe it either, but there it is. 17-20, Browns win.
Now, don't be too hasty here – this was much more a case of the Chargers losing than the Browns winning if you look at the statistics, but that doesn't change the fact that this was a huge upset, and a huge boost for the Cleveland Browns. And hey, the Cavs won on Christmas too, so there you go, Cleveland. Happy holidays.
"Things Done Changed" - Everyone interesting is injured
Hey, you guys remember when the Raiders were going to go into the playoffs with a real chance at toppling the Patriots, and when the Titans were going to have a legitimate shot at the division?
Well... things done changed.
Derek Carr and Marcus Mariota, two of the league's most legitimately exciting young quarterbacks are now injured. The Titans' playoff hopes have been all but completely shot down, and oh man, Raiders fans, I hope you're ready for the Matt McGloin experience.
In short, these injuries are devastating not just for fans of the Titans and the Raiders, but for NFL fans who have wanted to see different teams pose legitimate threats in the playoffs.
And jeez, I haven't even mentioned that Tyler Lockett injury yet. Ugh.
"Mo Money Mo Problems" - Somehow, neither of last year's Super Bowl teams will make the playoffs this year
I had to look this up because I wasn't sure – it has been 14 years since the last time the defending AFC and NFC champions have both missed the playoffs. This has only happened five times in the Super Bowl era. And the funny thing about this year's situation is that the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers are both largely unchanged from last year. Sure, Denver has a new quarterback, but their success last year was in spite of quarterback play, not because of it. As for Carolina, the core of their defense was still there for most of the season. Was Josh Norman really that important?
Perhaps it'll be good for these two teams to miss the playoffs this year, as Cam Newton has said. It should give them some bulletin board material for next year. Nothing is a better motivator for success than failure.
"Somebody's Gotta Die"- Dallas makes next week very interesting
Thanks to their drubbing of Detroit on Monday night, we actually have a must-watch game next weekend. Because the Lions lost, their matchup on Sunday against the Packers turns into, essentially, a bonus playoff game. Despite its brutality, this win-and-you're-in-lose-and-you're-out matchup will be necessary, since literally every other playoff spot will have been sewn up.
So, sorry, Packers fans. And sorry, Lions fans. We NFL fans demand blood. And one of your teams will be spilling it on New Year's Day.