Rangers v Celtic – Time for Some Definitive Ratings

VINDALOO – 8.5/10 – Gentlemen – and laydeez… – we have a goalie. Acid test day #2. Particularly extreme lab conditions today given the lack of familiarity ahead of him in shape and capability; he watched his team-mates flounder and facilitate 24 shots and 2400 crosses to be fired in on top of him. He’s undoubtedly got the hands and cohoes for the Celtic keeper slot. Everything stuck, and what was punched stayed punched. Excellent timing and command of his box under severe pressure from a dozen deep corners.

Showed the anticipation of a grizzly waiting for a leaping salmon to put in a nerve-shredding tackle outside his box to thwart a fortunate Zombie breakthrough. Icing on the Vindaloo was the masterful, rousing, vocal sledging of their penalty bottlers at the shootout, causing Tavpen and Gasbag to burst into tears and spitefully kick their attempts into the Onion Brats smelly enclosure behind Vinny’s goal. People might say Kasper’s finished. No, that’s the new goalie…

Thank you. I’m here all week. Well, next week.

Here the Unique Angle from Celtic TV…

AZTECO – 7.5/10 – Mad Bhoy. Loveable rogue who’s completely bought into the vibe during his time up here. Was the focus of diabolical Zombie attention all 120 minutes as they tried assassination, abuse and entrapment. He held his nerve, played his game; defended like a demon and pushed up when possible, which was rare. Wonderful ending to a torrid day for him – as the winning pen hooked in and players made for big Tam, the Cartel Agathe hared towards the Free Broomloan and his adopted new familia.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 9/10 MOTM –  Well, the word magnificent is seldom used accurately. Except among the ladies of old Prestwick town when Jamesy’s name comes up, curiously. This afternoon the maligned American
powerhouse had his game of the season, among other fine contributions since his return from Rodgers-isolation. Slammed out of recent vital matches by the pathetic authorities for… Well, nothing at all really, here he was to haunt the scurrilous Zombies on their own patch. Physical, smart, towering; their forward line got the rough-housing they’d escaped last week, and we got extra insurance which surely won the game.

Not only that, the big lefty centre back stepped up and nonchalantly slotted home the pressure penalty of his career after 120 exhausting minutes performing a rearguard that’s had Davy Crockett requesting a Trusty Hat and Knife merchandise from the club shop. That word again – ‘magnificent’. Yup.

PENDRAGON – 7/10 – Bit louder than the EPL nobodies, big Bhoy? Took him a shaky little while to settle and to adjust his nausea given the surroundings and the offensive smell of ragin’ bigotry. Understandable. But when he was properly in tandem with the big Yank, timing and combat were effectively good. Quite an experience for him – the biggest contest of his career to date – which he ultimately handled quite admirably.

OF JUSTICE – 7.5/10 – Captain for the day, which seemed to annoy many online Playstation FIFA virgins, though God knows why; if there’s one cool (red) heid who can cut it in the heat of the Ninth Circle Of Hell, it’s the Ginger Baresi. Also asked to be the Magenta Maldini today and fill in at fullback. He shirks no task, however arduous. Lapses today were confined to the wings and miscommunication with his makeshift cohorts.

Mercifully, anything dangerous in the box was pinpointedly snuffed out by Liam as he excelled in thwarting the Zombies’ tactic of rolling up their berserkers at every opportunity for a high ball, of which there were more than I ever want to witness again. Played a proper Captain’s role in a memorable triumph.

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