5 Violent Games Re-imagined As Cozy Experiences

The undisputed champion of violent epic power fantasy, Kratos is a one-man army laser-focused on enacting his revenge against the divine. But maybe we can instead get our angry boi some MUCH-needed therapy? Nothing cozier than emotional equilibrium, am I right?

Let’s change Athena’s role into being his emotional support, guiding him through his grief, and helping him channel his anger in healthier ways. What better way to let out that frustration than some Minecraft-style landscaping? Rather than giving him hordes of enemies to combo through, he can rage and scream his badass threats to inanimate objects as he builds himself a box-shaped log house.

“Um, what about the quick-time events?” Goodness, Frank, I was getting to that! Continuing the pseudo-Minecraft experience, whenever Kratos goes to his crafting table, he has to place the right materials in the correct places, as well as press the correct buttons shown on-screen. If he does so flawlessly, you will still get epic shots, but instead of dramatically gory finishers, we get cool shots of him violently (gasp!) putting together mining picks. “I will conquer this mining pick! And as its master, I shall destroy this impudent cube of stone! GYAHHH!”

#3 Deadspace

The primal cosmic fear of the endless void of deep space is already horrifying, but now I have to worry about messed-up space zombies? Slashers and Lurkers and Brutes, oh my! Let’s make Isaac Clarke’s life a little more suited to his actual job: Engineering!

This cozy reimagining takes our resourceful engineer to a ship NOT condemned by a ravenous plague of necromorphs. There are no survival aspects, no blasting and weaving through corpses that sometimes pretend to be dead. Instead, Mr. Clarke gets to sit on a cozy wheeled chair that’s not only ergonomic, but very fun to spin around in! As he does so, we as players get to solve low-key puzzles in order to help keep up with the maintenance of the ship. See? No longer a violent game!

“Gabriel…GABRIEL! What about the-” PATIENCE, FRANK. Sheesh, I was just about to mention that you will still be able to use the cool-looking repurposed mining tools. Not only that, but now you’ll also be able to use more tools of his trade previously unseen in the game proper. Frank, my man, calm down. We’re being cozy, remember?

#4 Grand Theft Auto

Another violent video game icon, GTA, has shared the spotlight with Mortal Kombat in the heated “violent video game” drama of the ‘90s and ‘00s. And in their own way, they paved another path for how violent games can get. So let’s have fun with this one.

We still have the sandbox style open-world we’ve all known and loved. But we’re trying to be cozy here. So what’s my take? Two words: Conflict Management. Sure, it’s fun to cause insurmountable chaos in the street just to see how many stars you can get running from cops and the military. But instead of causing chaos, let’s be the facilitators of conflict resolution by running around the city and lending a helpful hand to our fellow citizens!

Attempted robbery? “Well, son, how are things at home? Ahh, you were laid off from your job of 10 years. That’s rough, buddy! Let’s see if we can find you a solid job. I know a guy!”

No notes, Frank? Frank?

#5 Call of Duty

Pew pew! Bam bam! We adore fast-paced shooters, watching the enemy team’s bodies hilariously rag-doll into awkward positions. But that’s VIOLENT! We’re going for COZY here! So let’s make some FPS nerds angry!

Don’t you worry, Frank, we still got guns! But they’re not shooting metal projectiles traveling in excess of 1,2000 feet per second, though. Nope. Here at Call of Cozy, we’re shooting Nerf Darts! Not only will this cause players to get MUCH closer to each other in order to hit their targets, but you also get to say “Hello! Hi! Ploink Ha! Gotcha!” Wholesome and cozy. That’s what we’re going for.

No Russian? How about “No Rushin’!” We don’t want you to scrape your knees, fella! We’re here to have a cozy ol’ time. And would you look at that, our buddy Frank got so cozy, the hooligan fell asleep. I take that as a job well done! Violent games are rad, but cozy games? They have their place, too.