The Complete Flat Kairoser Mission Guide: Why Skeptical Sam is Borderlands 4’s Most Lovably Unhinged NPC

Skeptical Sam isn’t your average quest giver. This lunatic has set up camp in Cuspid Climb, convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that the planet Kairos is flatter than a pancake that’s been run over by a Technical. The man has charts, theories, and enough conviction to make you wonder if maybe – just maybe – he’s onto something. Spoiler alert: he’s absolutely not, but watching him try to prove it is comedy gold.

You’ll find Sam hanging out under a rock arch in the western part of Cuspid Climb, probably muttering about government cover-ups and spherical propaganda. The guy’s persistence is almost admirable, if it weren’t so completely bizarre. But hey, his delusions are your gain because this mission rewards you with some pretty sweet loot and cosmetics that’ll make your vault hunter look absolutely ridiculous – in the best possible way.

Getting Started: Meeting Your New Favorite Conspiracy Theorist

Before you can dive into Sam’s world of geometric impossibilities, you’ll need to complete the main mission “A Lot to Process.” Trust me, the game wants you to have a firm grasp on reality before it lets Sam completely shatter it.

Once you’re eligible, head to Sam’s little shack and prepare for one of the most entertaining conversations you’ll have in Borderlands 4. The man will literally hand you a “Flat Kairos” model – because apparently, visual aids are crucial when you’re trying to convince someone that basic physics is a lie.

The Globe-Stomping Ceremony That Started It All

Here’s where things get beautifully stupid. Sam wants you to take his flat planet model and then – I kid you not – climb onto his trailer and slam-dunk a globe into oblivion. It’s like he thinks destroying a representation of spherical planets will somehow alter the fundamental nature of reality. The physics are questionable, but the satisfaction of that ground slam? Chef’s kiss.

This isn’t just mindless destruction (okay, it totally is, but it’s meaningful mindless destruction). It’s Sam’s way of initiating you into his flat-world cult of one. And honestly? After dealing with all the serious vault-hunting business, there’s something therapeutic about just smashing things for a conspiracy theorist’s approval.

Following Sam Through His Natural Habitat

After you’ve successfully committed globe-icide, you’ll need to follow Sam around his territory. This guy moves like he’s constantly being watched by “them” – whoever “them” might be. Pro tip: kill any Kratch that get in his way because Sam apparently hasn’t figured out how to defend himself against basic wildlife. For someone who claims to understand the “truth” about planetary geometry, he sure struggles with simple survival.

The journey takes you up through grappling points to reach Sam’s shrine. Yes, the man has a shrine. Because of course he does. At this point, you’re basically enabling a very elaborate mental breakdown, but the XP is good and the entertainment value is through the roof.

The Wreck of Big Carl: Where Things Get Real

Sam’s conspiracy deepens when he directs you to the Wreck of Big Carl to collect surveying equipment. This is where the mission shifts from pure comedy to “comedy with extreme violence” because the area is absolutely crawling with enemies. We’re talking Rippers, Psychos, Badasses, and Wildhorns – basically a greatest hits album of things that want to murder you.

Collecting Survey Equipment Like a Deranged Scientist

You’ll need to grab three pieces of equipment while dodging bullets and explosions:

1. First piece: Located by a porta-potty in the northwest corner (because nothing says “scientific precision” like equipment stored next to bathroom facilities)
2. Second piece: Hidden underneath a ruined building in the north (Sam’s organizational skills are questionable at best)
3. Third piece: Perched on the wing of the wrecked ship (requiring some parkour skills that would make Mirror’s Edge jealous)

The combat here can get intense, especially with multiple Badasses breathing down your neck. But hey, at least you’re fighting for science! Terrible, misguided, completely wrong science, but science nonetheless.

Setting Up Sam’s “Proof”: The Surveyor Launch

Once you’ve collected all the equipment and cleared out the hostile welcome committee, it’s time to head southeast to set up Sam’s grand experiment. You’ll place three atmospheric surveyors at designated spots and activate them. It’s like a twisted version of science class where the hypothesis is fundamentally flawed, but everyone’s going along with it anyway.

The surveyors launch into the sky, presumably to gather “evidence” of Kairos’s flatness. Watching them take off while knowing they’re about to prove Sam completely wrong is like watching a train wreck in slow motion – you can’t look away, and you feel bad for everyone involved.

The Great Balloon Hunt: Chasing Sam’s Delusions Across the Map

This is where the mission goes from local conspiracy to planet-wide wild goose chase. The surveyors deploy balloons carrying their data, and naturally, these balloons end up scattered across creation. Your job? Track them down and retrieve the evidence of Sam’s inevitable disappointment.

First Balloon: The Straightforward One

The first balloon is relatively easy – it’s just chilling near some pink trees north of Cuspid Climb. Shoot it down, grab the data, and move on. This is the calm before the storm of absurdity that’s about to unfold.

Second Balloon: When Reality Fights Back

The second balloon gets destroyed by the Order before you can reach it. Even the game’s enemies seem to understand that Sam’s experiment needs to be stopped. But don’t worry – there’s a backup balloon that you can shoot down and a third one that gets stuck on an antenna. Because of course it does.

At this point, you’re essentially playing tech support for a conspiracy theorist’s failed science experiment. The balloon gets tangled, you grapple it free, and somehow this passes for meaningful scientific research in Sam’s world.

The Final Confrontation: Truth Meets Delusion

The climax of this beautiful disaster takes place at the Gilded Drop, where Sam has apparently relocated his base of operations. You’ll need to grapple up to his hideout (the man loves his elevated positions) and help him upload the photos gathered from the surveyors.

Here’s where it gets both hilarious and slightly heartbreaking. The first photo shows the globe as expected – round, spherical, very much not flat. The second photo reveals… well, let’s just say the results aren’t exactly what Sam was hoping for. Watching this man’s worldview crumble in real-time is like witnessing the most expensive therapy session ever conducted.

Why This Mission is Pure Borderlands Genius

The Flat Kairoser mission perfectly encapsulates what makes Borderlands special. It takes a real-world conspiracy theory that’s already pretty ridiculous and cranks the absurdity up to eleven. Skeptical Sam isn’t just a parody of flat-earthers; he’s a fully realized character whose delusions feel genuine and oddly endearing.

The mission structure brilliantly mirrors actual conspiracy thinking – start with a simple premise, ignore contradictory evidence, keep moving the goalposts, and when reality inevitably proves you wrong, just double down harder. It’s social commentary disguised as a fetch quest, and it works because it never takes itself too seriously.

Rewards That Make the Madness Worth It

Beyond the entertainment value, completing Flat Kairoser nets you some genuinely good rewards:

• Experience Points and Cash (because proving conspiracy theorists wrong is profitable work)
• Eridium (the universal currency of vault hunters)
• A Pistol ranging from Green to Purple rarity (Sam’s way of saying thanks for enabling his delusions)
• Vault Hunter Style: Flat as a Fritter (cosmetic proof that you participated in this beautiful disaster)
• ECHO-4 Paintjob: Flat as a Fritter (so your device can commemorate your contribution to bad science)

The cosmetics alone make this mission worth completing. Nothing says “I’ve seen some stuff” quite like wearing gear that celebrates one man’s spectacular failure to understand basic geometry.

Final Thoughts: Embracing the Beautiful Chaos

The Flat Kairoser mission is everything I love about Borderlands rolled into one perfectly chaotic package. It’s funny without being cruel, absurd without being meaningless, and action-packed without losing sight of its core message. Skeptical Sam might be completely wrong about planetary physics, but he’s absolutely right about one thing – this mission is an adventure you won’t soon forget.

Whether you’re a longtime Borderlands veteran or a newcomer to the series, this quest represents the franchise at its weird, wonderful best. It’s a reminder that sometimes the best stories come from the most unlikely places – even if that place is the delusional mind of a conspiracy theorist living under a rock arch in the middle of nowhere.

So grab your gear, prepare your patience, and get ready to enable some truly spectacular bad science. Skeptical Sam is waiting, and trust me – you’re going to want to see how this beautiful disaster plays out.

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