WWE Royal Rumble 2019 preview

Kickoff Show: Rusev (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, for the United States Championship (SmackDown)

The story: Despite automatic rematches no longer being a thing in WWE (for now), this is Shinsuke Nakamura’s automatic rematch for the United States Championship that he lost on Rusev Day (aka Christmas Day, aka actually Rusev’s birthday, aka the most Rusev Day of all Rusev Days).

Prediction: Rusev retains, probably on the Kickoff Show, unfortunately. But it should be a fun match—their match where Rusev defeated Nakamura for the title was amazing and a good way to close out 2018. 

Kickoff Show: Buddy Murphy (c) vs. Hideo Itami vs. Akira Tozawa vs. Kalisto, in a Fatal 4-Way match for the Cruiserweight Championship (205 Live)

The story: The past few weeks on 205 Live, there has been a tournament to determine who would be in this Fatal 4-Way match against “The Juggernaut” Buddy Murphy. He wanted a challenge, and now he definitely has it against one-third of the Lucha House Party—and in a 4-Way, it’s no DQ so Lucha House Rules could reappear at any moment—a former Cruiserweight Champion, and a man who very much wants respect and seemingly nothing else.

Prediction: “The Juggernaut” will find a way to outsmart and overcome this challenge, especially when you consider Itami—the other favorite to win—will probably be too busy screaming “RESPECT ME!” to focus on getting the win. You’ve gotta keep your head on a swivel during these multi-person matches. 

The Bar (c) vs. The Miz & Shane McMahon

The story: After Shane McMahon (ugh) won the Best in the World tournament (ugh) and trophy (ugh) at WWE [REDACTED] (hey, they’re the ones refusing to say its name after the fact)—after he filled in for a too-hurt-to-compete (ugh) Miz—The Miz decided that he and Shane are co-holders of the “Best in the World” title. Because this is WWE and friendships are for jerks, a lot of this story is just the hilarious idea that Miz and Shane are a sitcom married couple. (And Miz is, of course, the too-good-for-him sitcom wife.) Oh, and The Bar are the Smackdown Tag Team Champions.

Prediction: The Miz and Shane McMahon are going to win because as good as SmackDown’s tag team division actually is, this is still WWE.  

Asuka (c) vs. Becky Lynch, for the SmackDown Women’s Championship (SmackDown)

The story: “The Man” Becky Lynch lost her SmackDown Women’s Championship at the TLC pay-per-view, thanks to an assist (in the form of a ladder push) from RAW Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey. But she was able to earn her rematch by defeating Charlotte Flair (basically her favorite hobby at this point) and Carmella in a Triple Threat.

Prediction: Asuka wins, and Becky enters the women’s Royal Rumble. Becky then wins the women’s Royal Rumble and challenges Ronda Rousey for the RAW Women’s Championship at WrestleMania. Everyone cheers. Well, maybe not Charlotte, but Asuka gets to keep her title and Becky gets to win the Rumble. 

Daniel Bryan (c) vs. AJ Styles, for the WWE Championship (SmackDown)

The story: Daniel Bryan cares about the Earth and the people, and AJ Styles doesn’t. For some reason, Bryan is the one that’s booed. Because the WWE Universe is FICKLE, just like Styles and Vince McMahon and—you get the picture. But Styles has also found his RUTHLESS AGGRESSION or whatever, and now he’s going to try and win the WWE Championship back. Even though Styles’ run as WWE Championship proves nothing good happens when he lets his emotions drive him like this.

Prediction: Daniel Bryan retains, and AJ Styles proves himself to truly be FICKLE. FICKLE. FICKLE. And just to make matters worse for Styles, he doesn’t pull a Becky and enter the men’s Royal Rumble. He’ll just be a complete loser this night. 

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Finn Balor, for the Universal Championship (RAW)

The story: Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but Finn Balor was the first-ever Universal Championship. He had to relinquish the title the following night on Monday Night RAW, but it’s true. And now, with the power of Balor Club behind him, he’s taking on “The Beast” to become the champion again. You know who doesn’t like that? Braun Strowman, who was supposed to be facing Lesnar in this match (after he defeated Baron Corbin at TLC) but screwed that all up by ruining Vince McMahon’s limo that didn’t even exist before Strowman destroyed it.

Prediction: Hehe. Please. Brock Lesnar. Strowman honestly might interfere in anger, but regardless, the outcome is Brock Lesnar retaining.

Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Sasha Banks, for the RAW Women’s Championship (RAW)

The story: Well, this all started as a matter of respect. Now it’s more about Sasha proving she really is “The Boss” and that Ronda’s not the only one who can tap women in the WWE out. Oh, and also there are some Four Horsewomen vs. Four Horsewomen hostilities brewing.

Prediction: As much as Sasha Banks deserves to be on top again, Ronda is just unstoppable right now. It would sure as hell be one way to kickstart the Road to WrestleMania if Sasha won though.

30-Woman Royal Rumble, for a guaranteed RAW/SmackDown Women’s Championship match at WrestleMania

The story: It’s the Royal Rumble match, but it’s the women’s version. Over the top rope and all that jazz.

Prediction: I already predicted Becky Lynch and the scenario. But it’s possible it’s Charlotte as well. Or it’s someone who will leave an opening for a Rousey match at WrestleMania because they’ll just go for Asuka’s title.

30-Man Royal Rumble, for a guaranteed Universal/WWE Championship match at WrestleMania

The story: It’s the Royal Rumble match, but it’s the men’s version. Over the top rope and all that jazz, once again.

Prediction: Well, R-Truth is coming in at #30, so obviously he obviously has the highest chance to win. Actually, no—that’s actually patently false when it comes to the Royal Rumble. But you might’ve heard, Seth Rollins is “The Kingslayer.” Now he’s going to win the Rumble and go on to WrestleMania to become “The Beastmaster.” (He’ll at least be in the final four.)